I’m baaaaaaaaack! Whether you like it or not!

So….after the Death Valley of Television and the Least Exciting Bowl Season Evah for two year long weeks….FINALLY we get back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Kicking off the new year (and I mean that literally) is Superstars of Dance. And I have this to say about that. Exposure to Global Dance Culture = Gooood. Global Dance Culture = Contest. Laaaaaaame.

As a spectacle and an exhibition of dance culture around the globe, I found it interesting, entertaining, occasionally enlightening and pretty much good fun. But pitting Shaolin Monks against South African Gumboot dancers and Russian Tango Artists to determine who is “the best?” WHY? Why would be want to decide something like that? I’m assuming that the lame powers that be (Yes, Uncle Nigel, I’m looking at you) thought that the only way to force culture down our supposed too-dumb-to-appreciate-it throats, is to make in a contest where there is a winner. Dumb viewers LOVE contests. But we’re too dumb, apparently, to be allowed to have a say in the contest. So, instead, we get the cultural equivalent of the Olympic Judging Panel of Dance!

Which… was interesting, oh, for a whole one round of dance. Then I was all done with them. We can’t give them all air time to explain their scores, and because I have a hard time believing the Argentinian judge (Ms. Crankypants? show of hands?) can really quantify why she’d lowball the gumboot guys, it’s just as well they spit out their scores and keep the camera moving…

Because that’s the other thing. Did they blindfold the camera men, spin them around three times, then force them to film while dizzy? Because….you certainly could have fooled me with that explanation. Generally speaking, rule of thumb…say if the dance is tap, and that’s, you know, a dance that is almost exclusively about the feet….um, show us his damn feet. Just sayin.

Beyond that, there was the dance itself. They don’t bother to explain the rules or how each of the 8 countries competing selected who made their “superstar” team. We barely get their street credentials (and no one bothers to really explain much about the judges street cred) or why/how each country determines who from their “team” (composed of 2 soloists, 1 duo, and 1 team/league/village) will compete each night since only two divisions from each dance, but not the same ones from every country…confusing, I say!

But I also say, who cares? Contest = laaaaaaaame. So I’m not even going to comment on the scoring of anyone by anyone, because it’s beyond not mattering. Watch the dance, kill the stupid contest.

Oh, and Mr Lord of the Dance Flatley(who is from Chicago but sounds like he just bounced off a box of Lucky Charms) as our host is somewhere on the par of excitement and genuine charm with….I’m sorry, I nodded off. What was I saying? Oh, right…and Miss America makes Samantha Harris look coherent. That’s scary, people.

The dancing itself, if taken as an exhibition, would be pretty fascinating. As a contest, not so much. How did we pick Robert Muraine as one of our soloists? He is Mr Contotion from So You THink You Can Dance fame and first time, you freak out watching him. Second time, you’re telling your friends this is that freak show guy you saw. Third time…you’re really over him and wanting someone who can, you know, dance a little.

On the other hand, seeing Pasha and Anya (also from SYTYCD) was awesome! Love them, love their smoldering sensuality. Although, next time, it would be great if they actually incorporate some actual, you know, ballroom dancing in between needing to get a room.

And can someone answer me something? I love Irish dance, the step music flying feet of craziness that is truly a mesmerizing joy to watch. But what’s up with the also lame cheerleader dude in the front? Super distracting and seriously detrimental to any viewing pleasure I could really gain from the experience. I get that this is a traditional role, apparently, having a “lord” out in front of the dancers….but can we stop having a Not!Flatley character just because it’s Irish Step? (and having a professional Lord of the Dance team on a show hosted by it’s creator…nooooo, that doesn’t smack of favoritism, nepotism, and lots of other isms, does it?) I’m sure not. Surely. Nigel would never. Not ever.

Back to dancing….who I liked:

For actual dancing, the Argentinian tango couple was really great to watch. I wish the guy had been more focused on his partner - he always seemed to have this stare of nothingness aimed out at some…..other place. But their footwork was cah-razy.

And I’m probably alone in this, but I enjoyed the Australian ballet/modern/slam dance crew. I wish they’d picked music that matched the beauty of what they were doing a bit better, but I liked it. It was like Wade Robson and Mia Michaels fused into one and came up with that. I’d like to see more.

The jingly bell Indian classic culture girl. What a knockout she is, and the dancing was interesting to watch and informative. I wouldn’t mind seeing more.

And if they’d cannonball the cheerleader dude out over the crowd so far the number would be way over by the time he found his way back…then I’d add in the Irish step dancers, too.

As for exhibition/not really dancing: Loved the Shalin Monks. That stuff is just riveting. Not exactly dancing in my eyes, but riveting to watch as performance art. I felt the same way about our US Caberet Dancers. Wow. Just wow. Very Cirque du Soleil and not so much true dancing, but also, could you stop looking? No you could not.

Wanted to love but needed more dancing: Russian bedroom ballroom and russian modern soloist (give her a Mia Michaels routine…I beg you.)

Wanted to love it more because the cultural part was really cool: Indian Bollywood “Sisters” dance (they really fell apart there at the end with no synchronicity at all), the ribbon dancer from China, the gumboot guys from South Africa.

Who would have been great if he’d fired his Happy Gilmore fashion stylist: Aussie tapper

Who I could live happily and not see again: Russian solo bedroom dancer, Robert Muraine, the solo AlsoNOT!Flatley Irish guy. You could probably put ribbon girl in here, too, except she was wonderful….but…once was plenty. What more can she really do with those things? Oh, and the Zulu warrior dancer guy. I loved the idea of what we were about to see…but in actual performance, wow. Just…no. Bring me a different Zulu guy and I’m thinking my mind could be easily changed. And its a shame here, because I liked the guy from what he had to say in his interview. But he looked like he was just having a combination seizure/tantrum with no actual delivery of a story of any kind. That was my most disappointing dance of the night in terms of build up/actual delivery.

But all that above said….how cool is it to get to see all those forms of dancing, done by folks who have mastered it in their own world…on one show? That part I really loved, and am looking forward to seeing more tonight.

Join me…then you too can DISH tomorrow!!

Tags: Writing //