Song by song…Simon by Simon…THIS is American Idol MAC Attack!

Ryan welcomes us to the insanity that is the Kodak Theater where we waste a good five minutes with people cheering and star-gazing (hi Mandy Moore and Ben Stiller!)

Hello judges… Each contestant will sing three songs tonight. Ryan reminds us we’ve had two out of four girl/guy finales and the girls (Kelly and Carrie) have won both times. Will Taylor break the curse? (If there is a god…)

I can’t say I’d have picked Taylor for the finals, but I just don’t think Kat deserves the win, so….by default, kick it, Taylor!

Taylor wins the coin toss and chooses to go second (smart boy) so first up is Kat. But first, a hello to Chris Daughtry and the waterworks that is Kat’s dad, and obvious source of Kat’s gigglyness, her mom.

Kat is singing Black Horse and the Cherry Tree and, good choice, but for the love of god, don’t crawl around on the–okay, maybe crawling was better. She just has no idea what to do with that body of hers. There is nothing natural about the way she moves, like she’s having an out of body experience every time she’s on stage, like she’s not really a singer, she just plays one on tv. So… if I type this and don’t watch, she’s doing okay. But when I look up…my eyes, my eyes! Stick her on a stool people. (hello Christina Applegate!)

Judges…Randy thinks she did a better job with it this time. Paula…America loves you, better yet to come…Simon gives her good with a lower case g. He calls it a good warm up, and I agree. She giggles and squees her way through her Ryan-terview to the surprise of no one.

Next up, Taylor who chooses Livin for the City and excellent choice for him. And….we’re off. Oh dear god. He starts in the audience, which is a very smart move as he is a man of the people fo sho. But WHO told him to wear that purple velveteen blazer? Hugh Hefner? Prince? Barney? My eyes, indeed. (Hi Ace!) Okay, I need to get over the outfit because he’s taking it to this song. THIS is the way to open a show. Very very smart guy going second all night. He gets all Taylor on us dancing and everybody loses their mind, but the singing is top notch so if you can’t handle the spaz part, just close your eyes and enjoy…. Paula is up, perilously close to a wardrobe malfunction, Taylor goes from judges catwalk back to the stage to close it out, and…..yep, sorry people, if these are the two finalists I am FORCED to choose between (under duress) well, it’s just no contest. Sorry. (Do I have to keep blogging? What?)

(SQUEE! Taye Diggs. I suddenly feel revived.. Rowr!)

Judges…(who had better give that to him all over the place in comparison to Kat) Paula is still giving him the standing O (with full seal clap - what is that anyway? Is it to keep the fake nails from breaking, what?) Randy says no matter what, who, where, or when, Taylor owns the songs he sings, and he does have a point. Paula loses what is left of her mind, and (hello Kellie Pickler with short hair!) Simon Says it’s the worst jacket he’s ever seen in his life but that it was the best song choice and a brilliant opener. Taylor does his Ryan-terview on the catwalk and thanks his brother for talking him into auditioning. (Take notes Kat, this is how to interview…) We almost made it without a Soul Patrol, but god forbid I actually like him unconditionally all night. Sigh.

Round One to Taylor.

(I am so ready for So You Think You Can Dance…get my choreography fix. Ahhhh.)

Back with Kat for Round Two singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow which, since she can stand still, should go well for her. Sitting on the stage (next best thing to the stool, thanks for taking my advice.) She does the same arrangement and lets hope she doesn’t let the pressure of the night make her screamy….but so far she’s keeping in check, and not grinning like a loon. Point to Kat. The only con to this is, after an opening we’ve already forgotten what with Taylor’s huge opener, she follows with a ballad, which is going very well, but how memorable will it be to those of at home voting. The audience is doing the waving arms over the head thing, but I don’t think anyone at home will remember this by the end of the night. Just sayin. Great job…but….we’ll see.

Judges…Randy was worried it would be anticlimactic but says she worked it out, Paula is possessed…and Simon Says she was slaughtered in round one (clearly) but that she brought the power this go around. More bouncy, giggly Kat. (Am I the only one who hears “the wonderful thing about tiggers, is tiggers are wonderful things? when I watch her? Bouncy bouncy bouncy…)

We meet the Hicks folks and discover exactly where Taylor gets his looks (hi Dad!) and it’s time for his round two performance, with Elton’s Levon. (Another good choice, y’all.)

Mercifully he spares us the purple velveteen and opts for a nicely tailored suit, sans tie. He brings us tender Taylor, and everybody is doing the wavy arm already. Almost too understated, except you know he’s going to bring it during the chorus, which he does, but not over the top. I’m tellin ya, he’s on tonight. This is a far more low key delivery than round one, but the crowd is still with him. Wonder about the folks at home with this one….

Judges…Randy says nice song, but (keepin in real, dawg) it was a little pitchy for him, crowd boos, Paula (why do I bother) and Simon Says he says it wasn’t as strong and gives Round Two to Kat. I’d tend to agree, but it wasn’t a blow out like Round One….but it leaves Round Three for all the marbles.

(Hi Bucky! Hi Constantine! Hi Simon’s Girlfriend!)

And now we’re to the moment in the program where they make these poor people sing the godawful songs Nigel has chosen as their first single. (What IS this stuff? Every season. Every. Single. One. Dreck.)

Kat gets to go first with My Destiny (which, just based on the title alone, is already better than Inside Your Heaven, or whatever that train wreck was they made Bo sing last year.)

Doors slide open and she’s bathed in the glaring spotlight, hair pulled back, wearing a very pretty dress. Almost sounds a little country - starts in a low key and not all that exciting, but she hangs in with it as she strolls forward. It’s just….boring. Really boring. Not her fault, it’s the song. Horrible song with absolutely no hook and she’s all over the place with it (also the song’s fault as the range is incredibly unflattering.) She tries to milk the ending and gets a little screamy, okay a whole lot screamy (ouch! my ears!) and that might be the end of it all for her right there. All Taylor has to do is not…well, that, and this should put her under. Oh, ouch, Kat, ouch! But I won’t even fault her completely because the song (oh goody we have gospel singers now? What the?) was just that horrendous. And, she’s made it through before screeching like that, but the audience isn’t exactly losing their collective minds here, so…who knows!

(Hi Tori Spelling!)

(covering my eyes) Judges? Randy keeps it real, says she looks hot, sounded good, hated the song. I agree with the first, definitely don’t agree on the second, but totally agree on the third. I mean, it is the songs fault (and everyone HATES it Nigel, are you even paying ANY attention?) but she still had problems with it. It wasn’t a clean singout by any stretch. Paula agrees with Randy and Simon says she went from brilliant to just quite good within one song. (Please, don’t unleash the backlash save Kat vote, Simon! Choose your words carefully here, man.) He says she’s a great potential artist and to vote for her remembering song 2, not this one. Well done, Simon.

Last song of this season…(and PLEASE, it has to be an improvement on this one. Of course, it sort of has to be. At least Taylor has a way of turning a song to his sound, but that last one would have put even him under.) With Do I Make You Proud here is Taylor Hicks.

He really has an opportunity here, hope he doesn’t blow it. Again, it’s a slow song with almost country undertones that even a country singer would balk at. (WHO chooses this stuff????) Another horrible song that starts in such a low key that it forces them to falter. And sounds terrible, just terrible. He is hanging in better than Kat, but marginally. And it’s not saying much - the songs are just awful. But WAIT! this one has a hook in the chorus that will bring this home for him!! Oooh, and he gets the gospel singers early (and it actually fits this song) so, yeah…by far the better song. And he’s totally nailing it. If Kat beats him after tonight, there is no justice. The crowd does lose their minds (and then he starts chanting Soul Patrol and I cringe. Make him stop!! He’s ruining the moment!!)

Hi Eliot!!!!!!!

Judges…Randy says, based on the song, it’s a better song, but what he loves about Taylor is that he makes it his own. Which he did. Paula ends the season being somewhat coherent, and Simon Says that if he was right and the show was tied going into Round Three, Taylor IS the next American Idol. Ah, yup! Won’t get any argument from me on that one.

So, America, at least get this one right, k?

And to thank American Idol for giving him an entire career, Daniel Powter sings Bad Day live to close out the show….

Until tonight, y’all!

Tags: Writing //