This is…so incredibly not fun. I’m only four singers in at the moment, as I type this, and I decided I needed to start blogging now, so I can just wipe these performances from my memory banks as soon as I’m done writing about them. Please tell me the best is yet to come, show. Don’t make me beg.

First up:
Jasmine. Singing I’m Not Going To Write You a Love Song. Really badly. I know! She was horrible. What is up with that? One of the sure things and….no. Denied. I don’t think she’ll make it. Not on that performance.

So, sadly to say, was the deal with Matt Giraud, Dueling Piano Guy. I know! Again!! But, seriously, if you think they’re actually doing okay, at all, I challenge you to look away from the tv, or close your eyes, and just listen. Wow, it was that bad. And I heart this guy. He sings Coldplay. Except no, no he did not. Butchered Coldplay.

Then, when we get some gorgeous girl with legs that go on for three lightyears, and hair that cannot be real, but you know it is, because she’s just that damn pretty….and we don’t know her, but we kind of want to love her right now, because our faves are so letting us down. But no. Denied again. Seriously denied. Yikes denied. Please, don’t let her through, denied. Sorry Jeanine, we never knew ye. But we won’t be getting to know ye, either.

And then? And then? Nick comes out, as Norman, and though there were shaky moments and the whole thing was hilariously funny? Seriously? Again, don’t watch, just listen…and so far? Yeah, best vocals tonight. What does that say, people? It says scary things, is what that says! I love Norman. Love. Him. But not for this show. He will get a gig somewhere, Vegas, NY, LA, somewhere from this because he’s too talented not to…so I’m not worried about Nick or Norman. Who AM I worried about? ME. Loving this show. Ever again. So, for the love of all that is entertainment, entertain me with actual singers singing well, dammit.

And then, what do they give us? Like, dude, yo, 16 year old, Jello Red haired Allison, bro, dude, man. Wow. I don’t want to vote for her and I haven’t even heard her sing yet. Public schools really are failing us. Dude. Man. Brah. Then she sings Alone, by Heart, which she couldn’t even say, not once with a straight face. Man. Dude. And….so of course she rocks it. And? I don’t care. Not a fan. If she was the next American Idol…? Gag me. Sorry. Your mileage may vary. Powerhouse voice. Immature kid. Her interview with Ryan before and after peforming were beyond painful. Simon was more than a little right when he said she needed to develop a personality. She needs to mature is what she needs - she’s 16. Voice is more than ready, but not the kid. Yikes.

So that leaves 7 to go. Do I really have to wait allllllll the way until Adam comes out last to save me? He will, you know. He’s going to tear this place up and then straight down to the ground. Mark my words. The only sad thing is….pretty much anyone with a decent voice could do that at this point. Come on, show!

Now we get Brand New Cute Boy, Kris Allen, who we have never seen and should have, because he’s j’adorable. On no! He’s singing Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson? Wow, what is WRONG with these kids? I don’t even know this guy, but from the clips, he looks like alt rocky guitar playing Jason Mraz-y guy. Michael Jackson???? Wtf? David Archuleta? Sure. This (very very cute) kid? No, apparently. He doesn’t do a bad job once he gets out of that low register, but he needs Archuleta level chops to really power that song..and he’s not that kind of singer. Not horrible, but so not That Guy. Still, j’adorable and compared to the rest of the field tonight, might do it. Might. Still 6 to go, sorry to say, Kris.

Next up is Megan Corkrey…and Ryan tells us the songs tonight will be available for download on iTunes tomorrow. Ah hahahahahahahaha. That silly, Ryan. Like we’d pay to be tortured like this after being tortured for free? She’s singing Corrine Bailey Raye. Seems like a perfect fit for her. Seems like. Finally. We’ll see. I’ve been burned too often, show. Really awkward stage presence, but she started totally in the groove…then veered screechingly off it of it by the first chorus, then found her way back in a little, but wow, all over the place. Such a shame. Because it should have been great. She has great in her. (Wow, don’t talk smack… Simon was right on it about the vocals.) I thought it was worse than they did. Or she did, apparently.

Matt Brietzke is next, singing Tonic’s If You Could Only See and I’m just not even commenting any more on song choice. Go for it, Matt. You could hardly do worse than others that have come before you. So, I think he does better than his hardworking-man compatriot Michael Sarver, and we all know how it turned out for him…so perhaps he’ll go through, too. I like him, but his singing leaves me less than energized. Nothing personal, Matt. But he’s not in my Top 12. Not even with this less than stellar group. Ditto, Simon. And Randy, and Kara, and Paula. And his inability to own the bad song choice diminishes my love further. Not memorable. Sorry.

Jesse Langseth is up next…lots of parents singing this year…and I liked how she reacted to the smack talk on Chair Day. Good on you. She’s singing Betty Davis Eyes. Could be interesting. Or not. Let’s see. She certainly has killer eyes….and what do you know? Not bad singing, either. Could we actually have a Top 12′er in the house? (I know, I know, we had Jello Hair Girl…I just can’t count her despite knowing she’s in.) I think she outdoes Megan easily in the Alt Girl-Smokey Voice contest tonight. That’s how you “discuss” with the judges, btw. Megan. Matt.

Man, Ryan is just weirdly off as the host tonight. Just a step out of sync. All the time. Really. A lot.

Kai is up next, taking us back to the 60’s with What Becomes of the Brokenhearted. I heart Kai, and love how he’s taking care of Mom, but not sure I’ve ever really been enthralled with his vocals. Okay, his hair is scary. He did a better job than I thought he’d do and he really tried to put a personality into it, but, sad to say, it was just passable singing, not knock you over singing. And he’s such a good guy. But that was merely good guy singing. Not idol star singing.

Wow, another underwhelming week. If Jasmine and Matt had come out and rocked us, we wouldn’t care at all at this point, with two faves a lock and Adam still on deck. But…no. So, who to pick? Can we bring Anoop back now? No one is rocking me. I’m tempted to vote for Norman, just because at least I was entertained.

Mishavonna is up….please save us. Be the top female vote getter so we don’t have Jello Girl in the mix until at least Wild Card week. (She’d get that and I couldn’t disagree, considering…)

OMG - I want that Clive Owen-Julia Roberts movie in my theater rightnow. Finally, Clive as a fun guy, a good guy, a sexy secret agent guy. Being all cute and sexy. With Julia. Roberts. Now THAT is a birthday present right there. We need more of Clive as That Guy, America. The hell with the singing! Wait, what am I saying, my Woodland Forest Creature 2.1 is still yet to come.

Okay…so Mishavonna is singing Drops of Jupiter and I’m crossing fingers. That’s how to be a teenager who can handle herself. Allison. And yeah, baby, we finally, FINALLY, have a finalist I can get behind. Young, relevant, pretty, the real deal right there. Go, Misha. Not perfect, but that is someone I will vote for. Wow, so it looks like me and the judges are way off on this one. Hunh. Waaaaaay off. Light years of way. I really really liked that and thought the relevance fit was obvious. Damn, judges. Way to handle the post interview, Misha. About all you could do really.

And now??? And NOW? Adam Lambert. Boy, don’t let me down, WFC2.1. Seriously. I need you to be in this. Because up to now? A whooooole lotta meh. Bring it. He’s singing Satisfaction by Mick and the Boyz. Hunh. But I remain hopeful. Because, honestly, where else can I go at this point? But? Finally? Someone confident enough to switch it up a little. And it’s fab for me. Not a song that will connect with your heart like Kara wanted, but do I care? I do not. I like watching him. I want to watch him again. And for more weeks to come. At least he’s interesting. And Lord knows we need that this season, it appears. And the crowd woke up. Yeah, yeah, his hair looked a bit wiggish, okay, more than it usually does. Me? Not caring. Keep this guy in. Otherwise we’re gonna get 12 of what came before him tonight, and be honest, other than Norman right this second, who do you remember? Before the highlight reel….who?

Exactly.

Wow, this is, as of yet, SO not the season I thought we were heading toward. So not. But there are a few bright stars. Any that are David Cook and Jason Castro caliber of fun-ness? Not sure. And really not sure this last group next week is capable of fixing that. Because, honestly, we have to suffer through Nathan Headband still. Not sure I’m up to the hysterics and the drama. I’d rather see Nick/Norman perform again. Twice.

But..Top 3 this week? I think we get Adam as top guy, and Jello Girl as top girl (sad to say.) The third spot can go almost anywhere. I’d like to think they’ll pick Mishavonna, but it could go to Jesse, which I’m good with…but will probably go to Hardworking Man Matt (if last week is any indication) which I’m not good with. I think Cute Kris will be lost in the crush.

What do you think? DISH!!

(And check out Tuesday’s blog for a chance to win Free Stuff!) The Top Chef free stuff winner and the actual Top Chef winner MAC…will have to wait until tomorrow’s blog. I KNOW! I’m so mean like that, but it deserves better than a tack on MAC to this….show.

So, who was your fave last night? Who will make it through? Spill. Share. Snark. It’s not like you don’t have ample material here.

Tags: Writing //