Inaugural night of Dancing With the Stars: Guys Edition and already, Samantha? Shut up. Wow. Right? She has absolutely NO sense of timing. Whatsoever. I know she has to keep things moving along, but man, she cut everyone off and just stomped all over those interviews. For the love of all that is sanity, producers…new backstage host, pronto! However, HI TOM!! Love you.

Beyond that, what an interesting mix, huh? Overall, pretty interesting, for a variety of reasons. Some can dance, some way can’t, but it’s not always the former who got my attention, or my immediate affection. Mostly, I’m in the benefit of the doubt stage and giving them all a shot. (Although was it me, or did Tom DeLay just look seriously scarier than Chuck Liddell, but for all the wrong reasons. Who did his facial work? The guys from the Thriller make up trailer? Yikes.)

So, they had cha cha and waltz this first night (tomorrow is Ladies Night) and no one really knocked it out of the park, so there is a lot of room there.

Aaron Carter (with Karina) was stiffer and more manic than I expected. Chuck Liddell (with Anna) was exactly how I expected, but I always have a soft spot for tough guys who really try hard. Iron Chef was seriously flexible, and yet had no manly chemistry with Lacey Schwimmer despite her doing her damndest to manufacture some. How can someone so good looking and macho come off so…well….gay? Ashley (with Edyta) was adorable and sympathetic for the obstacles he’s overcome, but I’m not thinking he’ll be able to get past enough of them here in this particular competition. Still, not bad eye candy either, for as long as he’s on the show.

We get to Donny Osmond and I am predisposed to like the guy since I feel like I grew up with him. Along with all the rest of the little girls in the 60’s and 70’s. I like the pro pairings so far this season, too. Donny gets Kym and I think that’s perfect. To the surprise of no one he has the showmanship down. This was the most entertaining thus far, because he an actually dance, too. And there was fun chemistry to boot. Was he the best dancer or the most promising? No. Did Kym choreo the hell out of that piece to make the most of his skillz? You betcha. Well done, you. And oh, poo, Uncle Lenny. More razzmatazz!

(And still? Shut up, Samantha.)

Okay, hands down the winner of the Cutie Patootie Couple Award of All Time is Louie Vito and Chelsie Hightower. Ridiculous with their cuteness. And his total dorkness is a huge part of that. Love already. Not much hope, but big love. And…yeah, no amount of choreo is really going to help, but what an adorable smile! (Take notes, Chuck! It can’t hurt!) The judges were much kinder than I ever expected - wow! Yay! A new Louie! (Dancing Poppet! Ha!)

Hall of Famer Michael Irvin is up, and he gets the new Amazonian pro, Anna D. Yikes, she’s no shy, retiring babe, is she? Perfect for the big, hulking athlete types (and gives Edyta a bit of a break there!) She looks a little like Maria Sharapova’s older sister…and Irvin is still in pretty damn fine shape! Love the Jerry Rice Grudge Match as motivation. He wasn’t as good as I kind of thought he would be, and I’m not sure if it’s him, or the relative inexperience of his partner in the role of teaching pro. But there’s time and he’ll move on. Which isn’t saying much this season, but he has more potential than most so far. (And you gotta love that his moms is in the audience!) Wow, Lenny was harsh, though. Dang, after they were so sweet to stumbling Louie, they were all super tough on Irvin. I’m guessing it’s because he actually has potential to do something with the critique. But they do also hammer Anna on content, which proves I wasn’t so far off the mark there, after all. Go, me. Wow, that’s crazy how badly they scored him. I guess there really was no content there. Dang.

Okay. Seriously? How did this come about? Whose idea was it to make Delay the closer? Really, show? Because….yikes. And ew. Lots of that second one. So sorry, Cheryl. So very sorry. This is never going to be a Jerry Springer thing where you start with loathing and learn to love. I adored Jerry by the end. This will not happen here. If anything, the loathing will only increase. Sigh. Not to mention the heebie factor increasing exponentially with the grandpa pants and the close up shots of hip action. EW, show, EWWWWW. And then Wild Thing? Are you kidding me? It’s not even MACable. Move along. Nothing to see here. I need to go bleach my eyes now.

End of Round One…and as Round Two Relay dances swings by and they all do their second dance….yeah…nothing to add here. Entertaining, though! So…yeah, overall, it’s not going to be a Big Season of Win for the guys, I’m afraid. I hope the ladies bring it. (Good commentary, Debi and surprisingly erudite there, Kelly!) I don’t think they will have to do much to leap out in front and take a commanding lead. (And? More Dmitry! Yay!)

What did you think? Who’d ya love? Who made you cringe? Who goes home? Tough call this time as there are more than three that are at the bottom on my list (and Irvin isn’t one of them, judges!) and not too many floating to the top, as yet. I think Aaron, Iron Chef, Louie, and Donny are the favorites. Irvin needs a new partner and he’d be up there with them, but I think he’s through, as is Chuck. Ashley is in serious danger. But if I get to pick, I send home Delay without delay (sorry, Cheryl!) partly because, duh, but mostly because ewwwwwwwwwww! You?

DISH!

Tags: Writing //