Yay! Dancing With the Stars returns. Fall is officially here.

Okay, first off, let me say, that opening sequence freezeframe on Maksim holding his partner’s face? I’m good for the season now. *fanning self* Now we can proceed.

Live from Hollywood!

And, we open with My Host Tom Bergeron introducing our 11 stars this season. Yes, 11. (The season will be 2 weeks longer this time. Squee!) There are new instructors I don’t recognize, but most of our favorites are back! This season, we have Tucker Carlson (with…?), Monique Colson (with Louie!), Sara Evans (with Tony), Willa Ford (with Maksim), Vivica A. Fox (with Nick), Harry Hamlin (with Ashly), Joey “The Cueball” Lawrence (with..is that Edyta? I can’t tell), Mario Lopez (with…?), Shanna Moakler (with…new guy), Emmitt Smith (with Cheryll!! so glad she’s back!), and Jerry Springer (with some poor, poor soul).

Okay, yes, the arms almost make up for the lack of hair. Almost. Both would be, well, an embarrassment of riches I’m willing to withstand. Grow it back, mon!

So, the newbies are…Tucker Carlson has new instructor, Elena Grigenko (isn’t she someone’s wife on here? Hmmmm…), Mario has the Hamilton-tanned Karina Smirnov, Shanna has the football player looking Jesse DeSoto, and poor, poor Kym Johnson was somehow persuaded to do this show and dance with Jerry Springer. We’re so sorry, Kym.

Samantha Harris is back. Ho hum. She really needs to be doing ESPN. Just sayin. Nice dress, though. We have balconies now and a much larger audience, yet, it still somehow retains the affectionate cheesiness that is Our Show.

Our judges are back again this season. Hello, Carrie Ann, Len, and Bruno.

Somewhat surprising is discovering the phone lines are already open, and no one has danced yet. Hmmm. Not liking that. It’s already a favorites show, why push it? (And is it me, or is Harry Hamilin looking rather nauseous?) The couples have been training for 6 weeks, and tonight the women will be dancing the Fox Trot and the men will be performing the Cha Cha Cha. Oh baby!

Actor Joey The Cueball makes his second television dancing debut (his first being a tap-dancing stint on Carson at age 5)…along with Edyta, here we go! New things I love: that they are giving background on the instructors. Good job, Producers. I can almost forgive you for the stupid idea of opening phone lines before people dance. Almost. After getting George Hamilton last year, Edyta gets Hunky Boy this year. Wtg, Edyta! (Makes you wonder who they promised Poor Kym would get next season to get her to do this one…) I’d do it for free if I get to play with Joey’s hips.

Here we go… Sleeveless is a good look. I don’t really care how he dances now. So, right off we have whack music for Cha Cha, so that’s not going to change. They are dancing to some interesting rendition of I Like the Way You Move but honestly, do we care? No. Joey? Sublime, baby. Good chemistry with his partner, too, who is clearly having a grrrrreat time with her new partner. (Good thing they’re both married!) Okay, Joey’s spin turns were a little, no, a lot shaky, and he’s stiff hipped a lot, but again, with that backside and those arms do we care? Not so much. I feel so shallow.

Shallow is good as it turns out.

Judges? Len agrees with my hip comment, as does Bruno, and Carrie Ann says check the arms. All in all, much love. On a personal note, I have to remember this is not So You Think You Can Dance. Amateurs, Donna, Amateurs. Scores are: Three 7’s for 21 points out of 30. And Joey is right, better to start moderate and not be The Team To Beat.

Next is country singer Sara Evans and Tony who do the Fox Trot. Sara is a mom of little ones and broke both legs as a child herself, AND is on tour (taking Tony with her) so god only knows how she’s doing this. Right off, golf clap for Sara.

Here we go! Dancing to (Lord, give me strength) the DWTS rendition of Mandy they’re off. Sara, though a singer, is not a natural dancer, as we see right off. She is doing passably well, but they are going in super slow speed. I don’t think we’re looking at a frontrunner here. Of course, Tony, though current champion, isn’t known for being wonderful with his partners.

Judges? Len was a bit hard on her, the crowd hates him for it. Bruno and Carrie Ann gives Sara tips, too, and also get booed. Sara handles it with class. Scores? 5, 5, 5 for a score of 15.

Next is cutie journalist Tucker Carlson with another current ballroom champ, Elena Grinenko. Okay, Tucker is pretty much the Kenny Mayne of this season. Maybe even the Master P of the season. It’s sad, y’all. To think the man dodged bullets in Beirut, then comes to do this. I watch through the hands covering my face. At least he’s having fun. Were that we all were.

To Dancing in the Streets we start with a seated Tucker (brilliant choreography there, Elena. If only you could keep him there…) Definitely a lot of slinky instructors this year. Only the women viewers are even thinking about watching Tucker, I can guarantee you that. Yeah, he pulls a total Kenny. Stick to dodging bullets, Big T.

Judges are predictably hard on him, okay, so they laugh at him, but his partner gets kudos for doing the best she could with what she was given. He actually has negative rhythm. Scores? A lowly 12.

Next up is actress Monique Coleman and Louie!!!! He’s just the cutest, isn’t he? Smooches, Louie! So, she’s cute and she’s young and she rilly needs to give up the blue metallic eyeshadow. Just sayin. Hi Louie! He thinks she has tons of potential. But he pushes her more than I think (and clearly that she thinks) she is capable of. Her youth makes the patience thing a hard get. But he’s right, it’s there for her. All depends on whether they can find a suitable teaching/learning rhythm. She seems to have a great attitude, so I have high hopes for this pair. I also think she’ll do even better on the funkier dances.

Dancing the Fox Trot to Baby Love they open with cute choreo, which I think is also another strength of his. And here we go….not real great on the extensions, so Louie concentrates on what she does do well. And she really looks wonderful. Very nice debut.

Judges? somewhat critical, but I think it was because they showed a lot of potential. I hope. Scores? They get a 19, which I think is kind of low for the competition thus far. They won’t go home though, and that’s all that matters at this point.

Next we get Dallas Cowboy Emmitt Smith Cha Cha-ing with last year’s winning instructor, Cheryl Burke. He’s used to being coached, he says. Cheryl is really cute with him and they are adorable together. Emmitt is takng this very seriously, but looks like he’s having fun, too. Not to mention, boy has rhythm. (And did you notice they sometimes use the same studio as So You Think You Can Dance? Ah, sweet reverie.)

Looking quite fine, dancing to Son of a Preacher Man (where do they come up with these songs? Someone heard this and went, oooh, a cha cha, song! Really? No, really??) but here we go! And dang, he’s good! Million dollar smile, sharp shoes, and looks like he’s confident out there. With good reason. Not sure her dress really matches his outfit all that well, but that’s my only criticism. Well that and they had to cha cha to Preacher Man and Make it Work. (Shameless Tim Gunn Shout Out!) Pretty good debut. (Of course, I said that about the last two.) The crowd luuuuuuvs these two. Standing O.

Judges? Carrie swoons. Len thinks he’s charming. Bruno even applauds. Scores? Three 8’s for the current high of 24.

Next we get pop star bad girl Willa Ford with Maksim. Willa lets us in on the fact that Maksim totally knows he’s hot and is mostly concerned with looking good out there. Tell us something we don’t know. And yet, he is fun to watch. I am soooooo shallow. I’m already loving Willa and her little asides about Pouty Pretty Boy. She’s also gorgeous, but funny. So we don’t hate her. Too much. As Maksim says, it’s a Leetheel Meex.

Dancing the fox trot to True we’re off. They are both gorgeous and they look stunning together (except her dress is a wee bit whack in the front.) Let’s see if Maksim actually tries to connect with his partner, instead of just showboating to the audience this year. They are both very aware of their respective gorgeousness, but they manage to have fun together as well as look good. Nice job.

Judges? An exqueeseete treat, according to Bruno. Carrie Ann thought it was lovely. Len applauds but says she sometimes has bizarre feet. Loved it! Scores? 22, which puts them in second place.

Tomorrow night we get Tom Jones as our entertainment. I’m up for that.

Next we get actor Mario Lopez and his partner Karina Smirnoff. Okay, right off, we love Mario because, well, he’s damn cute, and he’s doing this for his mother. One, two, three…awwwwww. Smooches, Mario. I’m not sure they’re a great match. He’s too hyper for her, she’s too crabby for him. I love Cheryl and Emmitt together, but man, I’d love to have seen Mario with her. Or Ashly, for that matter. This one? Lo0ks tired and pinched next to him. And cranky. But he clearly has rhythm, so she needs to find a way to have some patience, because she has a potential winner on her hands. Talent AND charisma? Hello, frontrunner.

Dancing the cha cha cha to Walking on the Sun they come out smmokin. The hotness factor just went up about a million percent. Dayum, people. My eyes are scorched just watching this. I take it all back on the instructor. She totally gets it. The choreo is fresh and fabulous and you cannot take your eyes off him. Which, considering she’s a wardrobe malfunction begging to happen, is a miracle frankly. He is….let’s just give him the trophy now, shall we?

I think I need a moment to recover sufficiently. After I watch it again, of course. Okay, several moments. Jeeez. Mom, you’ve got some son there. I totally have a crush.

Judges? *still fanning self* First, how cute is it that he looks totally nervous? He just rocked the joint the way even Drew would envy. And first night? Come on! So, add humble to the list. What’s not to love? Is he available? (Hey, so he’s young enough to be my son, shut up! TV Boyfriends know no boundaries.) Len gives kudos. Bruno christens him Super Mario. (Extra batteries in his pants?) Carrie Ann claims them the Couple To Beat. Well, no duh, but nice to hear my suspicions confirmed. Scores….9, 8, 9 for 26 and 1st place at the moment.

Next we have Miss USAShanna Moakler She was a competitve roller skater. Hunh. Jesse just started dancing seven years ago, was an electrician before…and is now reigning mambo champ. Something tells me it’s more eye candy for meeeeee! Smooches, casting directors! He seems like a really nice guy in his instructing style. Shanna I’m somewhat meh on, but I have a feeling she’ll grow on me. I certainly identify with what she’s going through and kudos to even attempting this.

Dancing the fox trot to Saving All My Love they make a lovely, graceful couple. Very nice. A nice counterpoint to the hottt of the last performance. Very nice. Jesse has a great nice guy vibe and given her heartache, it’s a nice combination.

Judges? Bruno is a bit tough on her, Carrie Ann balances it very nicely, and Len says he wanted a bit more. Harsh, Len!! Scores? 18.

Next we get actor Harry Hamlin and his partner, Ashly. His wife, Lisa Rinna, was on the show last year and he wants to experience what she did. Smooches to Harry, too. What great guys this year! And Poor Ashly had Master P last year, so Yay! She will have more fun this season. I hope! (Is it just me, or does Harry look really drawn? Too thin, Harry!) He’s clearly terrified. Knowing how well his wife did last year, I’m sure isn’t helpful. Aw Harry, we love ya, come on! It’ll be okay.

Dancing the cha cha to Disco Inferno here we go! So, he’s not exactly a Kenny, and light years ahead of Master P…..but, well….Poor Ashly, I fear. Room for growth, for sure, and you never know! I think there is potential. In there. Somewhere. Hang in there, Harry!

Judges? Carrie Ann says he needs to loosen up. Len says work on character. Bruno says he needs to find a way to enjoy it more. All very true. (And I’m realllly tired of Mr. Boo Guy in the audience. Shut up already.) Scores? Nice score of 17 for that performance.

Next we get actress Vivica A. Fox with Nick. I think she’ll do well. I like her, she’s ready for this, y’all. Nick hasn’t been all that for me in the past, a bit arrogant, but if we can just listen to him talk? Sigh. Yeah, that’ll work. Did I mention I like Vivica? Great attitude. And, okay, she’s closest to my age. Thanks for representin’ us 40 somethings, V.A.! You go.

Dancing the fox trot they come out looking pretty strong. I’m not sure they’re physically paired well, and what is Nick wearing? The chemistry is eh, but she’s giving it her all and looks like she’s having fun. Definite potential there. Stronger at the end. Upper middle of the pack tonight.

Judges? Bruno says she’s Viva La Diva. So we know Bruno’s lust interest this season. Len loved it. Carrie Ann says there is room for improvement. Scores? 6, 8, 8 for 22.

And laaaast and definitely the least ever, we have…(do I reallllly have to MAC this? Really?) Jerry Springer and Poor Kym.

I just want to say, America? Have mercy on me. Send him home!

So, okay, he was pretty charming with Poor Kym. He even gets that she’s being cosmically punished. I don’t care. Do not make him the George of this year, Poor Kym. I’m begging you. But, as the clip reel unfolds…. I sadly, and it seriously pains me to admit this, must say he is better than Tucker. And he’s funny. Damn you, Jerry! Do NOT make me like you. Will he last long? No. Should he outlast Tucker? Um, yeah.

Kill me now.

Dancing the cha cha cha to Hey Daddy they make (God, what did I do to deserve this humbling moment) a cute couple, with his Hug Hef tux and her flirty dress. He’s not George, but George Jr at least. Enough to get his satin sashed self into next week, I fear. And Poor Kym is about the cutest thing ever. And then he loses most of the points he scored with me by totally ditching his partner to finish his money schtick. Now all is right with my world again.

Judges? Len says he held his own and had charm. Carrie Ann loved that he went for it. Bruno says he has springs left in his springer. Says he’s endearing. Scores? 5, 5, 6 for 16.

So, the ranking before we add the viewers score into the game is:
26 - Super Mario
24 - Emmitt
22 - Willa
22 - Vivica
21 - Joey
19- Monique
18 - Shanna
17 - Harry
16 - Jerry
15 - Sara
12 - Tucker

What will America think? Who will go home? Will my fingers ever recover? (I think I just did a whole summer’s worth of MAC in one recap. Shew!! ) Thanks for hanging in with me. Please forgive all typos and nonsensical sentences. I blame them all on Bruno anyway.

Okay, Blog Babes. Discuss!

Tags: Writing //