I love Tom Bergeron. Wouldn’t it be great if he wrote books? I’d be first in line.

Speaking of books - I just saw where Jennifer Crusie is headlining a Christmas anthology next month - Santa Baby - with a brand new, never-before-published story. Woot! I’m anxiously awaiting Agnes and the Hitman, so this should help tide me over.

And I’m guest blogging today over at Brava Authors so come over and join us!

Okay, so back to hot people dancing with very little clothes on. (Of course, I only watch so I can recap for all you Blog Babes. No, no, don’t thank me. I sacrifice because I care.) By the way, ohmygod, did you see a shirtless Maksim rumba-ing on the beach at sunset in the previews? Fanning self. Yes, such a sacrifice I’m making. I need ice cream. Right now.

It’s Latin Night and our remaining 7 couples do the Staircase Stroll of Sauciness. Edyta and Joey, Sara and a scary-haired Tony, Monique and Louis, Emmitt and Cheryl, Willa and Maksim, Mario and Karina, and Jerry and ShowgirlKym. (Does this mean there’s a Barry Manilow tune in my immediate future? And just where do we write to Stoned Music Selection Dude anyway?) Then the camera pans down the row and I realize Jerry is wearing a ruffled shirt that exposes a whole lot of man cleavage that should be left to guys like Maksim, and I want to write to the Stoned Wardrobe Guy instead. And, confirming my suspicions, we see that Monique has on this Swan on Crack outfit that Bjork would love, but me? Not as much. Silly Stoned Wardrobe Guy.

Tonight, all our dancers are doing the Sexy Samba or the Romantic Rumba. Louis! and Karina do the Samba demo, which is perfect for Louis as it is a fast, energetic party dance that showcases his whipcord moves really well. Karina also botafogo’s her tassles off. They also demo the Rumba, the sensual dance of love. Not buying Louis as much in this demo…and a little squicked out at the idea he might have to do this foreplay masquerading as a dance with Monique. ( And Jerry? I cringe in horror.) Maksim and Willa on the other hand? I’m buying tickets to that show. Pass me my ice cream.

Joey and Edyta are up first with a samba. Edyta is wearing a sheer body stocking masquerading as clothing (but if I had her body, I might be tempted to wear the same. Grocery shopping. Just sayin.) and Joey is all dolled up in the ballroom equivalent of biker gear. In behind the scenes footage, Joey admits he struggles with the moves, and it doesn’t get any easier. I admit, they do look so challenging, but it’s also clear he has great natural dance rhythm. I enjoy watching him, even practicing. He’s good. So calm down, Joey, and roll with it.

Here we go….and Joey gets in touch with his inner George Michael (which, I know, but go with me on this) as they dance to Freedom. On the surface, another whack musical choice for a latin dance, but I like this song and it’s sexy enough that I’m going with it. Oooh, then we lose the biker jacket and it’s all Joey Arms and I’m seriously going to need more ice cream. And maybe a fan. Except, as it moves along, I can’t help noticing his hand positions and movements are almost femme instead of alpha sexy, which is totally at odds with the rest of his body, but…it’s still striking me that way and kind of taking me out of the ice cream moment here. Dammit. Anyone else feel that way? But no doubt he’s good and the hip action makes up for the weird hand thing, so I’ll just look at his hips, which frame a very nice tushie, btw. (Again, the sacrifices I make.) You know, I think, watching the whole thing, it’s because the song isn’t fast enough for the samba, so they’re dancing at a weird half-beat cadence that is too slow for this and that’s why his arm motions are coming off kind of over-posed and extended. So…totally not his fault. It’s all Stoned Music Guy. Again. They are clearly enjoying themselves and I love Edyta’s natural smile in this dance. Hopefully they won’t fall victim the First Performer Low Score of Death.

Judges? Lenny says he needs to take off his shackles of inhibitions. Bruno said they were sharp, especially having to dance to that song. Carrie Ann applauds their skill level but says she didn’t see them as up to par tonight. Honestly, I think it was having to dance a fast dance in slo mo that killed them. Hard to make all those sharp moves look sharp when you’re moving slowly from one pose to the next. Scores - 8, 8, 9 for a 25 which is good.

We find out Rod Stewart is the musical guest tomorrow night. And hey, I just realized they totally abandoned the whole Mystery Dancer thing. Well, it was kind of lame.

As we go to break, Willa looks sexy, Mario looks like…Mario, and Sara Evans looks incredibly tired, even in her bright, lime green party dress and lots of make up. Please, for the love of god, Country Music Fans, let her go home. I love her, too, but she’s clearly running on fumes. I’d rather keep Jerry and his man cleavage. And that is really saying something.

Next up is Willa and Maks doing the rumba. (More ice cream, stat!) Maksim in jeans on the beach? We need a lot more of that. And shirtless Maks on the beach at sunset, as Willa admits there is more going on between them than dance lessons….yeah, every week please. Twice.

Dancing to (ohmygod, NO) Every Breath You Take. Do they sit back stage every week on Song Choice Day, cracking up as they pass the pipe and toss out the most ridiculous song they can think of or what? Way to ruin it, guys. I’m just going to mute it and watch these two with my own music. So there Stoned Music Guy! HA! One thing is for sure, the judges can’t say a word about their chemistry. Whew! This is…..wow. They just started and I already need a cigarette — and I’ve never smoked in my life. These two are having such a great time, little private smiles for each other, there might as well not be another soul in the room. The hell with a bowl, pass me the whole damn quart. Now that? Is an alpha male. And how cute was she after being all vampy, with her little skip over to Tom. I really do like her.

Judges? Carrie Ann says if they’re not dating, they need to start now. She applauds the sophistication she brought to the dance. Uncle Lenny says she’s going from strength to strength. He says their rumba was sublime. Bruno said she was the mistress of tease and left him breathless. Scores - 9, 9, 9 for 27 which is great. When asked how their close relationship helps doing a dance like the rumba, Willa inadvertantly cracks everyone up by saying they have great chemistry no matter what they’re doing - which, awww, give her a break folks, this can’t be easy. But…you know, hubba hubba all the same! And as she tries to fix the double entendre, she quickly realizes she needs to just shut up, but is very cute about it and Maks is cuter, kissing her on the temple as they both laugh. This? Will keep her on the show. Who doesn’t like romance? Not me! Not me!

Next up, we have Sara and Tony (and Tom? Love, really. You make it look so easy.) I will say, there can’t be worse music than they had last week (and please dear music gods, that was NOT a challenge) so hopefully she’ll at least acquit herself well this week, but man, she looks all kinds of done in. They are doing the party dance samba, which, definitely a better choice than the rumba for these two. I give her credit - the behind the scenes shows her tackling this with a great sense of humor and a lot of patience. (The singing while dancing theory, I’m not so sure about, but whatever works.)

And here we go…they get cuter music than Joey and Edyta did with a Stevie Wonder song, and Tony does his best to be adorable, but coming on after Maks and Willa is a tough act to follow for anyone, guy or girl. It’s still a half speed kind of song, though. I guess the fast twitch kind of dancing is just too hard to master for the amateurs, but it seems going slow like this is even harder, or makes them look more awkward I guess. Anyway, she does really try her best, she’s smiling and going for it, but she’s simply not the dancer the other contestants are (save for Jerry, of course) and I’m guessing that while her fans might keep her in another week, she won’t make it to the end, no matter how much they power vote. In a totally cute move however, they stroll over to the judges, then immediately drop to their knees and genuflect, which, after last week’s beating, is pretty funny. Everyone laps it up. (including Lisa Rinna and a very svelte and adorable Tia spotted in the audience!)

Judges? Bruno says she was sexy and footloose. Carrie Ann says when it feels good, it looks good. And Len says he bought one of her CD’s this week, then ruins it by admitting he didn’t buy it new (which, he apparently doesn’t realize how insulting that is, or that she gets nada from that sale, so why bring it up?) then he says she interpreted this song very well. Scores - 8,8,8 or 24 which is way high to me. 20-22 range was more like it.

The toasted chips and George Hamilton commercial? Cute. Was that Kym?

Now we get Mario & Karina and their rumba. Yeah, you’re going to look technically fanastic and we know you’re doing it, but you’re no Maksim and Willa. So there. So, of course, we get behind the scenes footage showing them busting butt at rehearsals right after last week’s results show. That proves too much, so naturally Mario takes Karina in a very tiny white bikini, to his friends pool (aka grotto) where we get bomp-chicka-bomp music while they frolic and Mario rubs oil all over her and does the Spiderman kiss (isn’t this a family show?) Anyway, I guess this is the naughty to Willa and Maks’s romantic beach stroll. Yawn. Whatever.

Of course, you realize, if he wasn’t such a slime, I’d be ALL over this. But he is slime, and I don’t love this. Hearing the audience audibly shriek and swoon as the footage rolls, I realize I am completely alone in feeling this. Whatever. No votes for Mario! And the disingenuous “we’ll be friends for a long time” after all the oil rubbing and kissing? Shut up, Mario. And wipe that smile off your face while you’re at it.

I know. But he grates.

So, here we go with what promises to be the rumba of the night, technically, anyway. I’m betting we finally see sharp moves more on the pro level. And I’m not wrong, as it turns out. They get very sexy music, best of the night, with Just the Way You Look Tonight and come out whispering to each other as they stroll to the floor, and it’s obvious they’re so doing it, and if it were anyone else, I’d be swooning right along with everyone else. They do look fabulous. The dance is perfection, more like a pro demo than a contestant dance. For once, Mario keeps his eyes on his partner and not the camera or audience, and it amps up everything exponentially. The crowd is having a collective orgasm already and we’re not even half way through. So, I’m guessing multiples all around, then. Just saying. Gorgeous.

Judges? Len says he was breathless, he’s almost speechless with his praise. Bruno says intense, masterful, and throbbing. (Ha! Bruno love.) He says he doesn’t know what they do after hours, but it’s working. Carrie Ann says she’s going to get nitpicky, because they’re fabulous, so she wants to point out where they can improve. (And, maybe it’s me, but, as the only woman on the panel, could it be she feels the same way I do about the guy? Just a guess. Smooches, Carrie Ann.) Anyway, she says his movements at times are clipped and she’d like to see him flow more. Scores - 9, 9, 9 for 27 which isn’t the 30 that performance technically merited. So, of course, I’m very happy with that.

Now, backstage we find out it’s his birthday (and though he’s slime, I luuuuved the way he smacked down Samantha’s little puerile dig. Yay, I used Uncle Lenny’s word!) and they surprise him with a cake I’d pay money to see Will and Maksim eat. Hey, where’s the ice cream? And Tom with the Mario dig? Wow, I’m just loving all of you tonight. I guess it’s not just me. Woo hoo!

Next, we get Jerry and Kym and I definitely need some ice cream to get through the man cleavage showgirl performance. I do like that after the undeniable sentimentalism of last week, he’s going for fun and schmaltzy this week. Good move, Jerry.

They get actual Latin samba music, and the whole thing is just good, campy fun, which, at this point, is all he can really do anyway. I enjoyed it, man cleavage and all. Kym is such a great partner for him, kudos to her for great choreo every week. Judges? Carrie Ann says he’s tapped into the communication of dance and really entertains. Lenny says as a man of similar age, he sympathizes with what Jerry’s body is going through, and that he looks forward to him more than any other celeb each week, as Len the viewer. As Len the judge, he says he’s going to give him the highest mark this week for sheer entertaiment value, that what Jerry does isn’t as easy as people think, which I happen to agree. Bruno says it was insanity at the Copa and he loved it. Scores - 8. 8. 8 for 24, which, after Sara, works fine for me.

Next week we learn they do an individual dance and a group disco number, then Jerry sends out a plea to his fans, which he says are all in prison, pleading for them to use their one phone call to vote for him. He really makes being funny look easy. Very endearing guy, our Jerry. And to think I wanted to boycott the whole season because they cast him. Silly Donna.

Monique and Louis! are next with, yeah, a rumba. Sigh. I knew this was going to happen. I almost feel just, squicky, watching this. I can’t help it. I just don’t buy the romance here. Teacher-student, people. Someone has to stick with the program with everyone else sleeping together, come on! Ah, okay. But then, Louis’s basketball shorts are so hilarious, that I don’t feel so squicky anymore. That? Is funny. But his approach to teaching dance I actually really relate to (unlike his pupil, who is trying though) and so that part intrigues me. But those shorts, Louis? Burn em.

So here we go, in her wild swan on crack dress, and they also get nice slow rumba-ish music. She overcomes the fashion faux pas nicely and the dance is very smooth and beautiful to watch. I think it’s very tastefully executed, my squick factor fears prove unfounded. It’s not going to steam anyone lenses, thank goodness really, but it is lovely to see and that is where this couple really is. So golf clap, Louis, for understanding your boundaries and doing a choreo that suited them beautifully. A wow, ending.

Judges? Bruno says little mermaid turned into tempting siren. Carrie Ann says she’s grounded and her shapes are very sensuous but that she’s a little internal and could stand projecting more to the crowd. Len says attempting that routine was courageous (and it was difficult, but very well done) and a great performance. Scores - 9, 9, 9 for 27 which is great and makes for a really tightly scored week.

Last up is Emmitt and Cheryl with a samba. This could be fun. Behind the scenes footage of Emmitt with his kids is priceless. Yes, Emmitt, it is that important, to put down whatever you’re doing to be there for them. And you can bet they will always be thankful for it. Kudos to you. So now we get Emmitt getting his party dance on. And I’m betting he’s going to have a ball with this. But first he needs to get his entire body cracked by his chiro guy. Yowch. But still, how adorable is this man? Hard to believe when you look at that smile how feared he was when he put his football pads on.

And here we go. I have a feeling this is going to be so much fun. And they get Latin music, too. Yay! They are having fun. It’s not the strongest dance of the night, but these two are such a pleasure to watch. Her choreo is always wonderful and that smile of his lights up the ballroom. Loved it. That was great.

Judges Len says he’s back bigtime. Says it was the best samba tonight. I’d agree. Bruno says he’s a party legend. Carrie Ann says nothing but gets up and shakes her moneymaker. Wow, you go Carrie Ann! Scores - 9, 9, 9 for 27 very well deserved points.

Tonight was easily the most competitive of the entire season, and very enjoyable all the way around. Not a bad dance amongst them really. The standings look like this:
Willa 27
Mario 27
Monique 27
Emmitt 27
Joey 25
Jerry 24
Sara 24

Wow, so it’s all up to the fans really. But then, when isn’t it? I can’t really guess who will go home. Of course, the judges bottom 2 would be mine, too and I’d send either home, except I’d lean toward Sara over Jerry, because he does really bring the performance aspect to his less than stellar dance abilities, where she….really doesn’t. Their fan bases makes it really hard to predict, though.

Who do you think will go home?

Tags: Writing //