…Our Bachelor Andy is ridiculously over-qualified on the Good Guy Scale. Wow, right? However, might I say, that after listening to this well spoken young man during his long opening montage, the show’s producers confirm my opinion of them by having our very first glimpse of his future possible brides-to-be as a bunch of shrieking and giggling bubbleheads, followed by what looks to be a drunken Oktoberfest beer crawl. Or circus audition. I wasn’t sure which. I am sure I was embarrassed for my gender. (I’m certain there were well mannered, well spoken, credits to the X-squared chromosome there, but surely they were being tastefully discreet off camera, and therefore, not coverage worthy to the producers.) We need women to produce, direct, and edit these shows. Honestly.

So, on with the Birthday Bash.

First impression rose definitely doesn’t favor the early girls…(example - that first girl? I liked her, and she still stands out in my mind) but what is up with them knowing about it in advance? So they’ll be “on” and not themselves? Great idea. Anyway…it was a very mixed bag so far, but every glimpse of the party later is horrifying. The girl who says “heinous”? Yeah, honey, and you’re such a peach. I know it’s a gazillion hours long, with no food and a whole lot of booze, but seriously? Seriously. Still embarrassed.

Chris talks about how ten have to go home. Oh, I’m easily half way there on the first batch alone. (And some of the dresses? Just wow. And not in a good way.) Lots of blondes. Lots of awkward. He seems so open and friendly, then they just sort of stammer after hello. Nothing really easy and right to my eyes yet. (And the first impression rose….yeah, that didn’t seem like a stunt at all, nah. Stephanie (which had about 8 syllables the way she said it) asks about it and he is just “oh yeah, this? You want it?” I didn’t get the connection thing at all. Maybe he just wanted it to be done and overwith.) He does seem to like the southern girls. And blondes. Wow, big shock, the girls inside were insanely catty. Rrreeorw! They were all “Wow, hi, yay for you!” Subtext: kill her, shoot her, poison her now!

So…Tessa? Very cute, and yay its Diana’s friend’s roomie!! but kinda wow with the joke thing a little. Still, he seemed to like it. And he’ll cetainly remember her. Possibly a good strategy!

Ah! The heinous one is Lindsay. Yeah, not liking her right from the start, which means he won’t see through all the overly cutesy “heyyy!” to the witchypoo “rrrrowr” and she’ll make it to the final 6 or something. But the chick in the mini skirt, which would have totally turned me off, won a few votes with the dorky save maneuver getting out the limo. Dang, a shame Kate is so shy, huh? Boy, let’s hope she comes out of her shell a LOT more. Preferably around Lindsay. A lot.

Sheesh, I remember now why I have a hard time listening to this show. Now, I love Chris. Funny, funny man. But the lines they give him to read? “Will their dreams of a man in uniform be crushed forever?” Because, apparently, if Andy spurns you, the entire military becomes off limits. Wow. Bigger stakes than I thought, then.

So, Andy is tiny bit geekier/dorkier than his initial montage footage, still cute! but dorkier. Still, it’s kind of endearing. Better a bit awkward than smooth operator guy, right? Aaaaaand, he enters the pit of lions, tigers, and bears. Oh my!

Okay, so the first rose chick? Lost me with her “oh yeah, it’s the first of many” speech. Humble goes a loooong way and would look ever so much better on you. And Lindsay? Step away from the alcohol. I can only hope she is absolutely dying right now as all her friends and family watch her make a complete ass out of herself. Yikes. But, you know, heyyyyyy.

And is it me, or is Our Bachelor Andy’s biological clock ticking perhaps louder than anyone elses? (He was a Sunday school teacher, too? Seriously?) Aaaaaand he just totally won jock me over with his “that is SO hot” in reaction to the scars on Bevin’s legs. Ha! (And yes, I totally know she does the back handspring later from the promos and I already am cringing for her. I want to shout Stop! You’re already in! Don’t do stupid things! But I know it’s to no avail. Sigh.)

Linda? Wow. Yes, go home. Now. And Tina? Awwww. You’re pretty and your dress is fine. Hug. Aaaaand then she SINGS??? The Star Freaking Spangled Banner??? I totally take back the hug, Tina. Come ON!! What is UP with this show? Did they tell the girls “Listen, do stupid stunts. He LOVES that stuff!” It’s insane. This is totally insane. One hour in and it’s already a full blown train wreck in motion. Wow.

Lindsay…still, well, you know, heinous is the word that comes to mind. Stephanie? No words. Intense dislike. Tessa? Major redemption with the Inca Trail story. Awwww. Yay Mom & Bruce! But another awww to poor, poor, drunken Blakeney. Wow, her family? So proud right now. (Of course, mom did name her Blakeney, so perhaps the tipsy runs in the family? Just sayin.)

I’m not even gonna comment on the tequila cake. Oh Linda. Honey. You have these big, beautiful eyes and smile. Back far far away from the eyeliner, k? You’re on a mascara strike, too. So unnecessary. And then? She challenges him to push ups? Because, yeah, most jock guys like women who can get muddy. But probably not best them in a push up contest…in front of other women. That was just freaky. And so unappealing. You definitely made an impression, but I’m thinkin it’s not gonna have the desired result. Aaaaaand, the bar crawl is in full swing. And back flip. Yikes. And they brought that sad ass cake out? I am beyond, just totally beyond words. Night One. No Words.

Andy is buzzing, saying he’s already just feelin it. I can only hope and pray that those moments that inspired such excitement were ones they chose not to show us. (And do we all note that every time he mentions wife, it’s an automatic & children? Tick. Tick. Tick.)

Aaand, the roses go to birthday sharing Pey-ton, scarfoot Bevin, mini skirt Kate, Alexis (yay- first out of the limo girl, AWOL since then, which? Probably a good thing), Danielle w/ the foundation past boyfriend, Amber (also mostly AWOL, wtg Amber!), can ‘t help but notice the preponderance of blondes…and the two brunettes so far? Almost no screen time. Just sayin> Tiffany (??), Yay, Inca Trail Tessa, Our Tessa, gets a rose! Wooo hooo! (and she gets a mmmmmm sound w/ her hug. Mmmm), Nicole (who I officially have to love just a little, despite her total drunken stupor of a night, because she, too, thought it was a mistake. Ha! Tequila Cakes? Good, as it turns out), Beige-y Blonde Susan we know so little, Amanda, who had a story, but I’ve forgotten it now, platinum blonde AWOL Erin, Star Spangled Tina (really?? I think he’s a softie who feels for the dorky ones a bit), and back flip Stephanie. (HA! Lindsay. What-ever.) At least drill sgt Linda didn’t make it. (Aaaand, to the surprise of absolutely no one, Lindsay HAS to make the Big Exit, because, girlfren, you know it’s ALLL about her. Sigh. Thank goodness that show was abruptly cancelled.)

So, a whole lot of advance peeks at the rest of the season. Lots of blonde hair, folks. Like that narrows it right down. I could play TiFauxSpy and try and figure out which ones make it far, but I’m just not sufficiently motivated by this crop to do so. I’ll have to go find a spoiler board somewhere and see if this ishow s worth investing in. First Rose (Psycho) Stephanie appears to go far enough to make this a Big If for me. Ugh.

What’s your verdict, Blog Babes? (OMG…credits outtakes…the rap? Kill me now.)

Aaaand, on American Idol, it’s Tony Bennett mentor week for the final 9. This, unfortunately, will be abbreviated (hey, blame LINDSAY who would not shut up) so, a quick recap…Blake gets Mack the Knife (woot! Great match) and does a very smooth stylized version, I liked the sound and the arrangement was great, but not sure he captured the spirit of the story, judges liked it , Simon agreed the band helped out. Phil gets Night & Day and doesnt listen to Tony. It….didn’t rivet me. Judges weren’t riveted either. Sorry, Phil. Nice save with the wife comment tho. MindyDoo gets Ive Got Rhythm. Tony loves her. I love her. Judges do too! Great, stage commanding performance. Take note, Phil. That? Was great. Simon is frustrated by the absolute lack of ever being able to find something to critique in her performance. Aww.

Chris gets Mr. Saturday and fun opening. Good performance. And he brings the cuteness. Judges thought it was his best. Agreed. He should stay after that. Jordin gets On a Clear Day and Tony likes her style changes. Very nice performance. These classic songs really suit this bunch. Judges love her and agreed, agreed, agreed. Gina gets Just Smile and we really see why Tony is the genius he is. The man never just sings a song. Ever. He finds personal meaning each and every song, each and every time. We need more Tony’s. Gina does a lovely job with this. Judges were a mixed bag with Simon finally having to be mean to someone and Gina was the unfortunate victim. Jordin and MindyDoo have huges voices, so yeah, but Gina just did a lovely job. Lovely. Disagree with Simon. For a change.

Sanjaya meet Tony, Tony, Sanjaya. Tony says he’s a huge fan and champions him, which, considering he’s a kid taking an enormous pile of doo, is kinda nice to hear. No matter what you think of him. He gets Dancing Cheek to Cheek and gives it his soft voice charming best, flirting with the audience and Paula. Still not my fave guy, but I do have to give him enormous credit for withstanding a barrage of stuff that no one really deserves. He’s running with it and making what he can of it, which is more than most kids could pull off. , out of the situation he’s found himself in. And yes, he should still go home this week. Sorry, S. Judges were kind. Kind of. Haley and Haley’s legs are up, and get Ain’ Misbehavin. She works the dress and the legs, which, really, it’s good strategy for her. She does her very best with it, and she has a lovely voice, but it’s not a memorable or distinctive voice and that’s her problem, despite the MindyDoo’s and LaKiki’s in the competition with her. Not a bottom three performance in other seasons, but with this crowd? It is tonight. Except there is NO way she’s going. She’s the Sexy One. Guys everywhere are dialing everything they have. Judges…don’t really matter at this point. Last up is Miz LaKiki and she gets Stormy Weather which, perfect match. Great open and close tonight. Strong performances all around really. Best over all week yet.

Bottom three - Phil, Haley, and,Sanjaya. I think this might be Phil’s week. And, if S can’t go, it should be him anyway.

Who is your pick?

And last but not least…. who goes home on Dancing With the Stars. First, Joey and Kym get the encore? Really? Hunh. There is singing and dancing,(omg Maks and that paso doble dip? Be still my heart. He always dances the best with Karina. Fire meets fire….and I don’t think I’ve ever seen Tony look so wonderful as he did dancing with Julianne. There is something Tinkerbell special about that girl.) But Our Bachelor Andy took up tonight’s recap time, so we move ahead to the bottom two couples and they are Shandi/Brian and Leeza/Tony. Now, that was surprising, only because she was tied for first with the judges and Clyde was bottom last, so I thought it would be him (and should be.) But Clyde, Leeza and Shandi were my bottom picks, so it looks like everyone out there is of the same mind. Heartening, that. Shandi/Brian go home this week. Ah well, they were all of our pick, so no surprise, but always sad to see another couple go. I believe, unless miracles happen, it will be Leeza/Clyde one way or the other the next two weeks. Then things will get interesting!

Who is your pick to go home next?? Next week - Paso Doble and Waltz. Hmmm, which couple should get which dance?

Happy Hump Day everyone!

PS - SHaQ Attack is taking a spring break along with my kids this week, but will return next week!

Tags: Writing //