So, on Dancing With the Stars…everyone walked down the Stairs of Impending Doom looking like they’d decided, after several weeks of Cranky Uncle Lenny, to just mock him completely by wearing the most bizarre outfits they could construct (or, in the case of Edyta, deconstruct. About a yard less fringe and she’d be completely naked.) Either that, or Stoner Music Dude got a hold of Costume Designer Dude and they went on a three day binge (along with Hair & Makeup Chick) leaving our celebrities and pros to outfit themselves at the local Party Mart “where you can own our Nights in Purple Satin Combo OR our Big Bright Shiny Silver Sequins Set OR our A-Rrrrrowr-sing Jungle Bodysuit (complete with complimentary eye shadow and fauxhawk hair clip!) for the low, low price of…FREE!” And boy, these folks apparently luuuuv a bargain…

Hi Tom! Hi Preggers Samantha! (I can’t pick on her now. She’s with child. Besides, her hair looks normal tonight, so there’s little to mock. Well, except for that one strand stuck across the front of her neck. Makes you want to snatch it away, doesn’t it?) Hi Lance Bass! Okay, so how many of you have been playing Let’s Spot the Celebrity! during the camera-pans-the-audience segments? And speaking of the cameraman, clearly he’s been hanging out with Stoner Music Dude. My god man, get a grip. Or a gripper. Or a gaffer. Or whatever it is you need to keep the dang lens on the people and not the ceiling.

Tom comments on the fact that we’ve lost only women so far, leaving only Heather and Laila, and no guys. Hmmm….. Well, I happen to like the guys better this year, so I guess I can’t really bitch about the potential unfairness there. Not that there aren’t a few guys who could have gone already, too. (Yes, Clyde and John, I’m looking at you.)

Tonight we get the sizzling samba or the romantic rumba. Except, I don’t know about you, but the rumba demo segment with Maks and Cheryl? Pretty damn ssssssssizzlin’ sssssssmokin’ hot to me! Should be a fun night! And I guess that explains the almost near nudity on most of the women. (Well, except Heather. And yes, I totally get the design challenges in covering up where her prosthesis connects to her actual leg, but there is simply no excuse for tonight’s monstrosity. Yowch.)

Ian & Cheryl get the samba….and thankfully no hair extensions. The music isn’t ridiculous for the dance, but sounds really weird sung with such precise enunciation by Perfect Diction Guy. However, Cheryl’s outfit definitely works it. Ian’s sleeveless shirt ain’t such a bad sight, either. Ian does about as well as I’ve seen him dance. Not sure he’s being all that technically correct, but he’s definitely loosened up. The fact that Cheryl is the center of attention in this dance doesn’t hurt him any either. He looked a little lost at times, but it was great choreography as usual. Judges? Still give him a hard time, saying he’s overthinking, and he is, but give him some props, sheesh. 8, 8, 8 = 24

Clyde & Eleana get the rumba to What’s Goin On….which is sexy enough, as is Eleana. Clyde? Not so much. Basically, she dances, and he…lets her. I don’t think she’s very strong in choreographing routines to showcase her partner’s strength. She more or less just tries to draw attention away from them as much as possible. I’m thinking at some point (hopefully soon) this strategy will prove a bad idea. Judges? Bruno was at his amusing best (as sexy as Sunnyside on anethesia….which, very true.) Carrie Ann just flat out tells him he’s the worst one there. Which…also very true. And Len is clearly high. There is no other explanation. 4, 5, 4 = 13 (aaaaaand, fair score. China schmina.)

Hi Sugar Ray Leonard!

Jonathan & Heather get Samba and OUCH! That’s a lot of hair to just rip off a guys chest. Dang. Poooor Jonathan! I think they’ll do well this week. It seems a dance right up her alley. She’s very comfortable with herself and likes to wiggle about. Here we go. And hopefully people will be so distracted by Jonathan’s now smooth, naked chest, they’ll kindly be blind to Heather’s horrid outfit. (Blinded is more like it, though.) Very cute opening (literally) and this was the first time I could really see the limitations of her false leg, especially during the samba rolls, but he really, really does his best to compensate with the choreo and she really does give it her best, shining where she can (and often does.) And even the end, when she tipped over, was rather endearing. Who knew I’d end up liking her so much. She’s got pluck. Judges? Kudos from all three with constructive criticsm. 7, 7, 7, = 21. Decent and fair enough.

Hi Florence Henderson!

Joey & Kym get rumba. Credit to Joey for leaving the jokes aside this week. Pretty steamy opening if I do say so. Whew! But, you know, there is something a bit effem about some of the moves. Sorry, Joey. Still, the storyline is good, the music is good, and the choreo is great. I think the judges will like it. Judges? Whaddya know! Uncle Len feels me on the effem thing! HA! Bruno almost comes to blows in his vehement defense. And Carrie Ann tie breaks in my (and Unca Lenny’s) favor. I don’t think Joey will get it until he sees the replay. I’m sure he didn’t feel girly in the least, but he was almost too graceful at times. Love his behind the scenes self deprecating humor. That will earn him some votes. Would mine. If I didn’t have to give them all to my tv boyfriend, Apolo. Scores - 8, 8, 9 = 25

John & Edyta get samba. (I’m covering my eyes. But not until after the kilt part.) One thing I do give John credit for, he attacks more of the role in the dance than Clyde does, despite being about on the same par as a dancer. Edyta does a better job by him, too, with her choreo. Plus, John seems to be having a lot more fun out there. Points for that. Judges - Bruno says it was one of the best worst sambas he’s ever seen. Carrie Ann loved that he went for it. Len says he was glad he had fun. Scores -6, 6, 6 = 18 More than fair, tho the audience totally doesn’t agree.

Laila & Maks take on rumba (with her fiance looking on. Ha!) Loved the behind the scenes. I would also pay large dollars to have to do the rumba with Maks. The sacrifices I’d make. And dayum, those two? Yowza. She was a tiny bit mechanical in spots, but I think she’s such an athlete, that that will be hard to overcome, as she danced very sensually and comfortably so as well. (It’s Maks, how hard it is not to dance sensually with him?) I thought it was her best. We’ll see what the judges think. Judges? They loved her. Scores - 9, 10, 9 - 28 Earned.

Julianne & Apolo get samba, which she loves and I love them, so this should be great. Loved the behind the scenes stuff. What is not to love about these two? Hot n sexy samba? I can only pray. Bring it! Her outfit is…there are no words. My first thought, tho, was how in the hell does she dance on heels that high and spiky? I loved the fun, playfullness of it, the sensuality, and also liked the speed of it. He was closer to pro speed than the other dancers and it really showed them off well. The choreo to the music is tight and pretty awesome. Even sexy, they’re damn cute. That was amazingly fun. Audience is up on their feet. Judges? Len said it all came together tonight, music, dance, performance and I agree. Bruno says they were possessed. (Man, I love him.) And Carrie Ann says perfection. I see some 10’s in their future! Scores - 10, 10, 10 - 30. YAAAAYY!!!!!! And they were so freaking excited, too. I heart them in such a big way.

I almost feel sorry for Billy Ray & Karina, because I heart them, too, in a different way, and I find myself wanting him to do well and come through okay. I wish the order of the last two had been reversed. Really do. They get the rumba, which is going to be tough for him since he’s kinda shy. He says it’s a dance that should be done in the dark. HA! They didnt have much time to practice this week, but she does a nice job with choreo for him. It was okay, not a show stopper and doubly tough after the last number. But he should be safe another week. And he did really try, you could see that he did. Golf clap for that. Judges? Bruno said it wasn’t sexy enough. Carrie Ann gives props to footwork and trying. Len said it was like a couple having a bit of a hanky panky in the back of a Chevy, but gives him props for trying. Billy Ray comes back with a sincere “I’ve had some of the most romantic nights of my life in the back of a Chevy” - which cracks everyone up. Great performer, that guy. Scores? 6, 6, 5 = 17 He was humbly bummed with that. Awwwww.

Score board:
Apolo & Julianne - 30
Laila & Maks - 28
Joey & Kym - 25
Ian & Cheryl - 24
Heather & Jonathan - 21
John & Edyta - 18
Billy Ray & Karina - 17
Clyde & Eleana - 13

I agree with the rankings, except Billy Ray didn’t deserve to be below John. John and Clyde are definitely the bottom three, and I suppose Billy Ray would be third in that group, but I’d hate to see him go just yet. At least we know Apolo and Julianne will get the encore tomorrow night. Woot!

Who would you boot?

Don’t forget to enter this week’s SHaQ Attack contest for a free book! See Monday’s blog for all the details.

Tags: Writing //