The Bachelor….Lookin’ for love in some pretty questionable places! Join me, won’t you?

Welcome to The Bachelor Blog: Part 2!

(What, you missed Part 1? It’s over on USA Today’s Happy Ever After site. Go HERE and catch up — this next part will make a lot more sense — then pop back in! There’s a link back at the end.)

Okay…so where were we? Right, right… Time for Sean to meet the ladies…

Limo #1: screaming, giggling in the limo…Sean silently praying outside the limo. For all the good that will do him. A little too late now, dude.

And, I’m so right. Crazy Bunny AshLee is first out. In siren red hourglass dress, she opts for the sincere direct approach with the hug and “How are you feeling?” (Sean, look out for the knife!) She’s got nothing to lose, being the first to make a first impression, so nothing to live up to. But…will she be memorable 24 first impressions later? I’m kind of hoping not…

Jackie, 23 is next. We haven’t met her. Tiny, spangly and “brands” the bachelor by applying red lipstick as she stands there and leaving a big wet one on his cheek. Sean’s eyes got a little big, but, I’m thinking nothing else did. If…well, you know what I mean. Hey, eyes back on the limo.

Selma, 29: (Yes, Sean leaves the kiss mark on his cheek.) Selma is beautiful and do I detect a bit of a spark in Sean’s glassed over smile? HA! She pulls a Kleenex out of her dress and wipes off the kiss mark. Total plant, but still, amusing. The more she talks, the more she has Karen Voice from Will & Grace, and the glazed over smile come back.

Leslie H, 29: She’s very charming and natural, a little giddy, but sweet with it. Sean relaxes, but, just a gut feeling…this is Always The Best Friend Never The Girlfriend Girl.

Daniela, 24: Oooh, our first Kinda Slutty Girl. Going for the rumpled bed head because she thinks it’s sexy but just kind of looks like she needs a good shampoo? Yeah, that girl. She’s not even listening to Sean because she’s all prepped for her Big Planned Intro. Oh, go ahead. What is it? Um…she goes for the Complicated Secret Handshake Lesson, going all tomboy street on Sean’s very fine…oh, never mind. She’s never going to be The One. But I’m thinking she’ll sure to entertain and drink too heavily tonight!

So….yeah. We’re 5 girls in, and while some did a nice job of at least not embarrassing themselves there were no stand-outs. Agreed?

Let’s move on then…

Limo #2:

Kelly, 28: And oh….this show, it never disappoints. Kelly, who needs to back slowly away from the tanning bed, has decided that her best bet, given she’s a cruise ship entertainer (there’s a sure bet to settle down with) – yes, Kelly is going to sing her intro. Now, Sean got a little sparkly when he first saw her, but that sparkle? Oh, it dies a swift death, right down to a polite dear-god-what-have-I-done-to-deserve-this glimmer of desperation. And…there is no answer for that, Sean. It seemed unfair to subject us viewers to it at home, too.

Katie, 27: Okay, so wow, clearly Limo #2 is where they stashed the crazy chicks. You see Katie, sweet, unassuming looking Katie, is a yoga instructor and she’s decided to help Sean get in touch with his inner chakras…or something. Sean’s such a good sport. But hey, he signed up for this, so I’m not feeling so bad for him.

(And don’t you love how he’s using like an Arie plug-n-play line with each and every girl? Say it with me now: “I look forward to talking more with you inside later.” The first girl who can make him trip up and say something original and heartfelt, even if it’s dorky/clumsy? That’s the one to look out for. Which could be a good or bad thing. Watch for it! )

Oh god. It’s 50 Shades of Ashley. And…yeah. She pulls the long grey tie from her dress and asks if Sean can help her with that. What’s hilarious? I’m pretty sure Sean hasn’t a single clue what she’s talking about. Ha! AhahahahahaHA! Sorry, Ashley. You’ll have to look elsewhere for your goodnight spanking. Gah. (And he doesn’t even try to pretend he’s going to talk to her later. Double HA!)

Taryn, 30: pretty blonde….in a tight blue dress that barely covers her hoohah. She’s got mile long legs, so I’m thinking Sean is perfectly okay with this. But…still didn’t see that stumble face on him.

Catherine, 26: very Girl Next Door looking and I think we deserve one of those about now, don’t we? No cray cray. Please. And, she’s not crazy, just a little too giggly and…sadly, yeah, I’m pretty sure in the Cute But Not Memorable column. Sorry, Cathy!

10 girls in, and while Sean has proven himself to be anything but a natural in meeting these women, I’m still not seeing any great match-on-first-sight kind of deals. Slight disappointment starting here…

Limo #3: (And someone actually says O-M-G! from inside the limo. Oh…yay. More kooky, coming up.)

Robyn, 24: is out first. We’ve met, she’s Quirky Sticky Note Engineer Girl, and…oh dear lord. She steps out of the limo, turns around….and in her long sequin dress, executes a back walkover (so her legs as they fly over her head spread her dress and….dear lord) then goes for two…and crumbles. (And says it’s so embarrassing that she didn’t make the second one. Oh, honey, it was embarrassing long before that…) It’s just…I want to give her a hug. And a few suggestions. And a referral. But as for tonight? Yeah, that’s not really going to help her out. Next!

Lacey, 24: smoky-eyed blonde in silver sequins….Sean perks right up! And, since folks call her Lace, she brings him a lace heart to remember her by. See….I’m so jaded, because this is probably sweet, right? Are you aww-ing right now? Was I the only one who thought those were lace panties she was unfolding? Just me? Alrighty then. And no, it wasn’t wrong, which panties would have been, but just…hokey a little. Or a lot.

Paige, 25: she immediately confesses she was on the show Bachelor Pad 3 (I confess, I have missed all three of what I’m sure were delightful, classy seasons of that program) and Sean seems to not really know what to do with that info either. So…uh. Alright. See you inside. (Except, prolly not.)

And, now we get Tierra, 24: the one who already has the wedding scrapbook album made and would totally show Sean right now if the producers would let her. Oh, come on, you know she does. I’m surprised she doesn’t have her little dog with her so he can meet “Daddy.” But, the night, it is still young. (While I? Am feeling increasingly not…) And Sean…oh yeah, he’s not even listening to her, he’s already got sparkly eyes…he’s a goner. Oh, can I call it or what??? And then, what? He totally goes off the reservation, breaking rules already. She gets a rose right out’ the limo. (Oh boy, Ford Model Chick is SO not going to be happy!)

Now, I will say….given what’s come out of the limo so far? Hell, I’d have given her one, too. At the very least, she seemed…well…safe. (And will…right up until he sees that scrapbook.) I’m wondering what the other women in the limo are thinking…watching this. And then he says “I hope it doesn’t create any tension among the girls.” Sean. Have you watched this show? Honey…

And yeah…Tierra is grilled straight off upon entering the house. It’s like the preamble to When Girls Attack. Look out, Blog Babes! Things are about to get uh-gly!

Back to Limo Exits:

Amanda, 26: Very Girl Next Door. (Please, just stay that way.) A little hokey opener, but Sean’s still in La La La Tierra Land so Amanda was Forgettable Girl Walking no matter what.

Keriann, 29: she opens with the fact that she drove 2, 775 miles to meet him. (What, no tenths of miles? Average gas mileage? GPS coordinates?) Sean stammers his way through that one.

Desiree, 27: Our Bridal consultant Girl Next Door brought pennies for them to make wishes on. Aww, Desiree. All this would be super cute, except you know his wish was about Tierra. Still, she has that twinkly, sparkly thing and Sean definitely notices. She’s in for awhile.

Limo # 4:

Now it’s Sarah’s turn. And, to her credit, she rocks the white sleeveless gown and makes no big deal about the one arm thing, but no attempt to hide it, either. To Sean’s credit, he doesn’t mention it or even look there. Classy on both sides.

Brooke, 25: Sultry siren like a jazz singer from the 30’s. She’s got all the confidence in the world and holds his gaze straight on. Sean’s probably a wee bit intimidated, but he doesn’t look away.

Diana, 31: we’ve met. She’s our Mother of Two Girl. Nice, but again…will Single Mom lightning strike twice? He definitely notices her.

Lesley, 25: Our DC girl. She cleans up well, looking pretty cute…and brings a football. Oh, Lesley. Silly wabbit. Fun…sure, but total Tomboy Next Door. With a football. Lesley, Lesley, Lesley, don’t just hand him the Best Friend category on a platter.

Oh…and now the fireworks can begin. Kristy, 25: Ford Model Girl has arrived. With her six feet of legs and Amazonian smile. Dayum. Sean, well, he’s pole-axed. Total goner. But honestly, any man with a pulse would be. Seriously? (Rubbing hands…wait until she sees that Tierra got a rose. Heh heh heh….)

Ashley H (3 of them now? Well, of course there are.) Ashley’s rocking the 50’s glam girl and she pulls off a cute “Hi Ken, I’m Barbie” and makes it work. Very adorable…..with a little rowr going on.

Lauren, 27 is up next (will the parade never end?): Lauren announces she’s a good Italian girl from a closeknit family, then warns Sean that her dad will break his legs if he breaks her heart. Yep, that’s how I want to catch a man. By threatening bodily harm if he dares shun me. Sigh.

Oh…no. No, no, no. She didn’t. Except, yeah, she did. So…it’s Lindsay, 24. And she gets out of the limo in full wedding regalia. Gah. And plants one on him, to boot. And just when I think maybe he’s liking the joke, she goes “Well, I got balls.” (To which he says “I hope not.” Bazinga to Sean!) For me…just a deep, deep sense of shame and shared embarrassment for my gender. Way to take us back a giant step, Linds. ::facepalm:: (Wait till the other women get a load of her. And by load, I mean…well, you know.)

Aaaand, now it’s Cocktail Party time!!

Oops! Except Chris tells him there’s one more person who wants to meet him. Who is in the limo? A pair of very skinny legs and barely veiled boobs steps out and….? Sean knows her, but I don’t. The screen tells us she’s Kacie B from Bachelor Ben’s season, which I didn’t tune in for….so I have no idea what the gauge is on this one. Do we like her? Loathe her? Fill me in! Sean seems very happy to see her. How would he know her? From doing Bachelor/ette press stuff together? I’m admittedly lost here…

Now, it’s Party Time! By now they’re probably a bit toasty by now…so should be interesting.

And lets just say that Kacie is a bigger Undesirable then Girl With First Rose, so that’s interesting. They spend five seconds thinking maybe she’s there to give them tips seeing as, apparently, she made it to 4th place during her other season. Yeah…not so much. Then, surprisingly, it’s Little Bridal Dresser But Never the Bride Desiree who unsheathes the claws first. Rowr!

Kacie gets Alone Time with Sean and is talking about how she enjoyed hanging out with him and wanted a chance. So….they do really know each other. Sort of screams unfair advantage, but what about this show has ever been fair? Shoo in for a rose this week, anyway.

Desiree pops up again and gets her alone time and they’re quite the chatty little Cathy’s together. Not sure if it’s romantic on his part, but he definitely feels comfortable with her. And for Night #1, that’s enough to get a rose. And….he proves me right! Rose right now!

Kristy and Kacie? Even less happy. Okay, so all the women aren’t happy. Christine cracks me up when Desiree came in with her rose saying: “We all had to put our lady faces back on…but we were mean buggin’, for sure.” Ha! I’m totally using “mean buggin’” from now on.

Oh…no. AshLee? Crazy AshLee? Comes strolling in with yet another rose. Yee. Sean, honey, that dress is smokin hot, but we need to talk about that one…. (And where’s Kristy Ford Model in all this? I thought for sure she’d be a focal point of drama…)

For Pete’s sake, now it’s become a competition between the early rose getters as to whose rose means more. Tierra claims that crown since she only had to speak a sentence to get one while the other rose bearers shoot her right back down. Oh…wow. We’ve reached a whole new level of petty. And it’s only the first week. Pass a fresh fruity umbrella drink, will you?

And…here’s Ford Model Kristy, talking to Ashley H Hi Ken, I’m Barbie” Girl. They’re both toying with their hair in the exact same way. Amusing. How very Patty Duke. (Look it up.).

The other girls are officially freaking out now that roses are just being handed out willy nilly, so the race is totally on to get alone time as, with the speed they’re being tossed out, there might not be any left to give by rose ceremony time. Oh Sean, he’s such a cheeky rule-breaker!

Then he gives Robyn Quirky Engineer Failed Gymnast Girl a rose and my hopes for his intuitive skills grow smaller… Maybe he’s going with the safe choices after his heart choices? I dunno. Katie Yoga Gir l gets one. And I think it’s Mean Buggin’ Christine who scores one, so my hopes lift once again. Sean says he’s giving roses to girls with “great energy.” So…be perky girls! Jackie aka Red Lipstick Kiss Girl gets one as does Selma Handy With The Kleenex Girl. Wax on, wax off, my friend.

Ashley H Southern Belle Hi I’m Barbie is doing her best to smooth Sean into a rose and…not happening, hair twirler. Next! Lindsay Wedding Dress Girl is worried he didn’t get the joke. Oh…he gets you’re a goofball. And now you’re a drunk goofball. But what would an opening night Bachelor cocktail party be without one. And in a wedding dress? Priceless. She’s thinking maybe she should have rethought the dress. And the kiss. Um…the time to rethink that was, oh, a long limo ride ago.

But wait, it gets better. 50 Shades of Crazy has decided that what this party needs is more of her. Specifically, more of her dancing. Booty dancing. With a little Russian Cossack thing, so unadvisable in a long dress. (Like the rest wasn’t….) With her grey tie. Katie, Southern Girl Yoga Teacher, pulls the “Bless her heart” for which I love her a little more now.

50 Shades interrupts Sean talking to Forgettable Girl Next Door Paige, who is grilling him about what’s up with all the roses being given out…while 50 Shades writhes around, bumping and drunkenly grinding, just off to the side of their little setting. It’s beyond awkward, because, how could that not be? And did I mention gross? Because it’s a whole lot of that, too.

50 Shades finally gets him cornered while the other girls watch, afraid…very afraid. And well they should be. Sean chokes a little as she drags that tie back out of her dress again. Help. Someone, please. If not for Sean, then for me. So I don’t have to watch this. I’m begging you. Anyone? Bueller? (HA! Double bazinga for Sean who says “I also brought a rape whistle.” Now I’m officially a fan.)

There’s now a rabid debate on how many roses are left… along with a lot of poaching one on one time…

Leslie gets one, and I liked her, she’s fun and seems to get exactly what this is…so that’s cool. She won’t be The One, but I’m on board with keeping her on board for as long as possible. Taryn’s telling Brooke she’s just not that Butt In Girl, and I get that. I wouldn’t be either. But she wants that one on one time, so what to do? Then Sean approaches them and her face lights up…then crumples as he walks off with Brooke. Yeah, that’s no fun for anyone. Sorry, Taryn. Pull your dress down a little, but still….sorry. At least she totally gets how bizarre the set up really is, and how exhausting it is mentally to have to compete every single second, when you’re not the aggressive type. I feel for her, because I wish the set up served the “normal, rational girls” better. Sarah falls in the same category. Hate that she feels it’s about her arm, even though it sucks that she might be right. The other girls push her to go talk to him, and to her credit, she does. I like her, too. Go normal, rational girls!

And, good for you Sean – he gives her a rose. And while I don’t know that he feels the forever vibe with her, it struck me as a sincere gesture, not a pity one. So good on ya.

So far, my only real shock is that Model Kristy hasn’t been more of a story so far. In fact, she’s been completely invisible. Hunh.

Chris comes in, party spoiler. Time for the first Rose Ceremony. If there are any left. 12 have already been given out. He announces there are 7 left. Which means 7 girls of the 26 are leaving.

Sean talks about finding his wife, and he’s very sincere in his goal, but he’s also not really comfortable with this role, so he comes off a bit stiff and rehearsed…but I suppose that’s better than being smarmy lounge-lizard Vinnie Barbarino guy. (Again…look it up.)

Amanda of the shared awkward moment gets the first one. Lesley M, girl with football, gets number two. Just me? Or does this seem like a pointless exercise? I’m thinking none of these women will jump out of this pack and into the front runner pack. Except maybe Kacie, who does get her rose. Model Kristy gets her rose. So there’s still a chance for the drama there, but I’m doubting it now. Daniela Kinda Slutty Girl gets a rose, though she seems pretty subdued now. Even she can’t match the cray cray that’s been unleashed tonight. And yay, normal girl Taryn gets a rose! She may not go far, but glad she made it through this night. She quietly thanks him for the rose despite not getting to talk to him but he’s in robot “will you accept this rose” phase with a little deer in headlights action going on, and he talks over her. Not a good sign for Taryn. Chris steps in to do the math… Yep, that’s one rose left sitting there. Thanks for letting us know. Last and, kinda least, is…Lindsay. Yep. Wedding Dress Girl. Yikes. But hey, it could have been 50 Shades, so we got off easy, I’m thinking.

Now it’s time for tears and recriminations as the seven who’ve been shunned do the walk of shame back to the limo. Among them: Paige, Lauren Mafia Girl, Kelly Cruise Ship Singer, (who is only now rethinking her singing entry) leaves tearfully, and Ashley H Southern Barbie milks her camera time with tears and pathos. At least we’re spared 50 Shades’ exit strategy.

We do however get a little peek at what’s on deck this season. And Kristy? Yeah, she’s totally not the story. But was I right about Tierra, ladies, huh? Oh yes, indeed, it appears I was. However, perhaps not so much on Wedding Dress Lindsay or AshLee with a Capital L as they seem to have some longevity and no signs of the crazy in the sneak peeks. Time will tell! But I think it’s safe to say we’ve seen enough to have proof that all our stereotypes are back, in vivid Technicolor, this season! So, whether or not love is found, we can guarantee the drama is here to stay. And tears… Oh so many…many…tears.

Oh wait! I spoke too soon on the 50 Shades exit. As credits roll…we get “treated” to one final moment. And….oh yeah, still drunk. Well, we sure hope, for her sake, that’s what it is. But we know…sadly…it is not. (50 Shades Mom? I’m so very, very sorry. Because…cringe! Unless of course you gave her the tie…which would explain so many, many things…)

And? That’s a wrap, Blog Babes! We made it through Week #1 unscathed! Well, almost. You have a little Hershey Kiss smeared on your chin there… Small price to pay. Small, delicious price. Bring on Week #2! We’re ready!

But first? Pop back over to my USA Today blog post and leave a comment there for a chance to win a signed copy of my latest release, BABYCAKES! (Comments here are welcome, too, encouraged even! But only comments on the USA Today site count toward the giveaway.) I’ll announce the randomly drawn winner in next Tuesday’s blog post. (Along with another Giveaway! I know! It’s like winning, and then winning again.)

So…will you accept this rose and join me next week as our journey continues?

And now? Your turn. DISH!!

8 Responses to “The Bachelor….Lookin’ for love in some pretty questionable places! Join me, won’t you?”

  1. Love your writing style!

  2. Hi Donna,

    Love your blog. One tiny correction though, the phrase is “mean mugging.” To mean mug a person, you just star at them with a mean look on your face. Mean mugging is a huge form of disrespect in some circles.

    Just an fyi,,,

  3. Hi Donna,

    Love your blog. One tiny correction though, the phrase is “mean mugging.” To mean mug a person, you just star at them with a mean look on your face. Mean mugging is a huge form of disrespect in some circles.

    Just an fyi,,,

  4. Ah! Makes much more sense. Thanks for the clarification. Although mean buggin’ was kinda cute! 🙂

  5. I So LOVE your commentary! I have tears reading this and since I DVR’d the show, I have to watch again with my umbrella drink and your write-up!

  6. Well, grab that fruity drink and some Hershey’s Kisses and enjoy yourself! 🙂 Don’t forget to pop over to USA Today and get in on the giveaway!

  7. Love your recap of the show, Donna…very witty and you refreshed me on some of the craziness that I watched on Monday night! So glad that “50 Shades” is gone…whew! it will be interesting to see how this season plays out after the dates start. I honestly dislike the first night. Too much alcohol without any/or much food =too much drama!

  8. Loved the blog but you never mentioned there would be Hershey Kisses. I see extra workouts in my future! 🙂

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