Bachelor Blog Pt 2. Because it’s bigger than all of us. And a whole lot more drunk.

Okay, so maybe I should just speak for myself. Wait, let me wipe this chocolate smear from my chin. All right! Are we ready to dive into Part 2? Another round of fruity umbrella drinks, and let’s turn up the jets on the hot tub!!

(What? You missed Part 1? Well head on over to my USA Today column and catch up! Go here.)

We’re done with the Photo Shoot and now it’s time to drink and try to score time alone with Sean, which involves being a totally aggressive beyotch elbowing other girls out of your way while appearing all giggly and sweet to Sean at the same time. Not an easy feat. And in six inch heels, to boot. Of course, those spikes might come in handy. A little crunch to an instep, a little stumble, and you can just sliiiide right in and “Oh Sean, hi! Why don’t we go sit over here? Away from all those drunk women. Which I’m absolutely not!” Hiccup!

Oooh! Grab your Hershey Kisses, girls! On her utter failure to score during the photo shoot Tierra pulls yet another Kiss-worthy cliché right out the Bachelor Cliche Bag. She refers to herself in the third person. “I’m not here to play dress up.” (Read: because I didn’t even make the Top 3.) “I’m here to find out what Tierra wants.” Kiss, everyone!

Sean invites the girls to go from cover models to pool Barbies while Kristy proves that if you look up Humble in the dictionary? Yeah, you’re totally not going to see her picture there.

Lesley scores her one on one time with Sean without the cover shoot camera’s rolling or 12 other women watching her. She’s similar to Sarah in appearance; pretty, blonde, down to earth and very real in how she communicates, only there’s about 100% percent more chemistry here. This is what that first solo date lacked. Only…it gets awkward because they both have two tracks going. The one in their heads going “I want to kiss her!” “Is he going to kiss me?” and the other one where completely inane things are coming out of their mouths because they can’t run two tracks at the same time. Not sure if that will kill it before it starts, or if they won’t notice because they’re too hung up on Track 1. In the end, neither of them have game. It’s kind of hilarious and a little bit adorable, because they’re both so dorky with it. Oh, you guys!

Sean’s all handsy on the bare knee-ing his way through the evening with multiple women, while Lesley is still obsessing over the dorkness of their lack of figuring out the kissing thing with Private Camera Time Guy, who is totally rolling his eyes at this point. You know it.

And then Lesley mans up and takes matters, and Sean, into her own hands….and mouth. Gotta give her credit for shutting up and doing something about it. Still a fan, Lindsay. However, Sean? Yeah, so…un, listen…give Arie a shout, okay? Or…or….somebody. Because, dude…seriously…what is that with your turtle mouth kissing? Just….no. I am not looking at a whole season of that. So, this is me, pointing my finger, making a little circle motion at your mouth, adopting Karen/Will & Grace Voice: “What’s that? What’s happening? What’s going on there? No honey, just…fix it.”

Yeee.

Kacie, sweetie, what’s up with the dresses up to the hoohah? Put your little sister’s dress back and get one your own size, k? Sean & Kacie have their “are we friends, can we be more” talk. Kacie’s all Yes, sir! Sean is all…uh, um…I have to rethink this completely. To her credit, Kacie actually hears him and reads the body language and asks him if he can move her from the friend to girlfriend category. The Grand Canyon-sized pause Sean takes should have been answer enough, but he says he’s wiling to explore it and she’d all relieved and I think this is five minutes I’ll never get back.

Catherine, of the “lady face” and “mean muggin” from last week, tells Sean he should know she’s vegan, but “beef lovin’” at the same time. If you, wink wink, know what I mean. Sean turns 50 shades of red, but laughs almost too hard and I cringe for them both. But she’s a pretty funny chick, so hopefully she hangs around for my own personal amusement. (Hey, we’re all on a journey here. Ooops. Kiss!)

Daniela tells Private Camera Guy about the obvious mopers of the evening. Katie (who felt outclassed last week and is this week), and (gasp!) Tierra. (“Is that her name?” Daniela wonders. Heh. Tierra would hate that you don’t already have her name carved in your psyche as the one to beat!)

Sean finally has his one-on-one Tierra Time and, to his credit, he at least noticed the pouty face at the camera shoot. Hopefully he doesn’t go all White Knight “I’ll protect you from those big bad mean girls in the house,” completely blind to the fact that he’s sitting next to the queen of the hive. And? Oh, Sean. Yep, he goes and validates her whole pouty approach. Sigh. What was that sound? Oh, yeah, that was Sean’s Brownie Point Total just taking a major hit.

One of these days, some guy on this show will say “I noticed you looked a pretty unhappy today around the other girls. So, you know what? I’m going to go ahead and let you go right here. Because I’ve seen this show. I know this drill. And I’m not up for that. Thank you for playing, but here’s your lovely parting gift.”

Hey. A girl can dream. Pass those Kisses, will you?

Back at the Ponderosa…(what, did you forget there were still MORE women hanging around who haven’t done anything yet?) I know. Me, too.

It’s official: Bridal designer Desiree gets the other solo date nod.

Back at the group date, Katie’s emotions and her hair sort of cut loose together and go from “I can handle this” to “I am so over this, get me out of here!” But instead of hoofing it to the nearest limo, she goes and finds Sean…and tells him she’s over it. Sean’s trying not to look at the crazy hair and be relieved, but inside? We know. We do. Because he doesn’t even try to keep her there or even ask a single question or even comment after she says it’s not a good set up for her. He just gets right up and offers to walk her out, no doubt thinking “Well, that’s one less rose I wasn’t giving out tonight anyway.” And Katie exits. The remaining girls’ discuss! Process! Kiss!

Then Sean up and gives Kacie the date rose and if Tierra could shoot fire from her eyes, Kacie would be a teeny, tiny little pile of carbon right now. Yow. Sean, notice these things, dude. Notice! Tierra’s comment? “I wanted to punch her.” Oops, she forgot the giggle-smile….again. Yeah.

Solo date with Des….

In short, they go to a faux art gallery, set up by the show, where prankster Sean rigs it so one of the most supposed expensive pieces will fall and Des will think it’s her fault. Wtf? Seriously, Sean? Man, if this keeps up his point total will be deep in the minus column. Because that’s what every girl dreams of on her first date. Getting punk’d. What’s wrong with you?

After setting up the evening and letting Des make an idiot out of herself thinking this is a real arti exhibit with the real artist right there, and all those other people aren’t stand-ins…Sean and Chris watch secretly from another room, all giggly and giddy, because emotionally they’re still 12, while Des is about to think she’s responsible for breaking a 1.5 million dollar piece of art. Yeah. Good times! Sean briefly wonders if maybe this wasn’t the right way to find out if his possible future wife has a sense of humor. Um…

YA THINK???

So, she’s left alone…and the piece crashes to the floor, shattering into a billion pieces. Sean & Chris giggle. Des? Not so much. Then the “artist” comes in and he’s, you know…pissed and she’s all “I didn’t touch it. I didn’t.” The boys? Still giggling. Because they’re idiots. Okay, no, because the word that really comes to mind? Asses. Only with the word holes after it.

You see, Sean? In order to find out if she has a sense of humor? The thing that happens? Has to be F-U-N-N-Y. Look it up. Million dollar art breaking and leaving her alone to face a pissed off artist? Not the definition of funny. Not even in the ballpark of funny. Me, i wouldn’t be pissed when I found out, I’d wonder what the hell was wrong with him. Sitting in another room, with other people, laughing at me. Way to show you’d have my back, dude! By having everything but my back.

Three kisses just for being forced to watch this.

And then Sean feels bad (NOW you feel bad?) So he comes in and…no, he doesn’t tell her. He’s all “Hey, I’ve got your back! I’m totally going to support you no matter what happened here.” And she gives him this “Like, you think I did this?” look. Then he comes clean and what is her reaction? That she hopes he saw what a good sport she was. Yeah. My whole gender just collectively shuddered. Because, honey? RUN!

Oh, and did it help establish anything other than she’s a good sport? No. They hug like buddies and he’s all proud of her but there was nothing personal or romantic going on, nothing really gained, other than nothing was apparently lost. Win….win? Maybe for you. Then they break for commercial with Chris doing the “Do you want to date the next Bachelor?” voiceover…and I’m like, “After that? What, are you nuts??” Yeah. Timing. Irony.

They do go back to Sean’s Bach Pad for dinner for two, so now’s the time to actually start the Real Date, but my interest, it’s waning. I need a break from Sean to wash the disappointment off. Perhaps a fresh umbrella drink will help wash out the bad taste.

They chat, they eat, they actually have real conversation. There is chemistry here and Des seems to be Real Girl and not Putting On Date Face Girl, so i respect that. Her dinner date…yeah, maybe not as much as I’d hoped to, but whatever, he’s who we got. Similar backgrounds. Hands holding. Sean talks about how comfortable he is with her, but boy still has no go in for the kiss game. Then they strip down to next to nothing–okay, Des does, and rocks the bikini, but Sean goes for some odd red and white striped board shorts deal–what? Anyway, woot! Hot tub time! Episode 2. Bachelor Producers, wasting no time.

To the surprise of no one, she gets a rose. (Seriously, even if they’d been stone cold awkward during alone time, just for the prank, she earned that much.) But Des is totally my heroine now because she completely leaves him hanging after he offers her the rose with “Yeah…well…I don’t know. After that prank… Pretty rude.” Then stays silent just long enough that Sean really starts to wonder…. And says he’s sorry. Then she leaves him hanging some more…heh. Then accepts.

The LEAST he deserves. You go, Des (And you should go…and find a guy who doesn’t think that crap is funny.)

Of the three dates tonight and the three kisses, this one will have the most lasting impact, by far. No contest.

Now? Drunken Rose Ceremony Time!

Girls chat about how many folks are going home. Some chick named Amanda shows up for the first time and she’s pulling the pouty couch girl and…it’s hard to care because…who is she? Only two girls are going home and there are soooo many who could leave who we wouldn’t even realize were gone at this point, that I can’t say I’m feeling too invested in this process. (Kiss!)

Sean makes time for Wedding Dress Girl, with Lady Face Catherine, with AshLee with a big L, and he’s getting happy pants with all of them as the memories of his evening with Des start to fade away a little bit. Not so much with Des, of course, who gets to sit there and watch…with no other men in sight to have the same sort of happy pants time with. Which is where this process loses me every time because….yeah. Nothing about this set up is good for either party, but hey! We’re all here! We’re on this journey together! (Kiss!) So, let’s pretend healthy, happy relationships can start this way and cut to chase, knock the wolf pack number down a bit, shall we?

Roses go out…the last one goes to Crazy Amanda to the chagrin of every girl in the house. Of course. Going home, Brooke, who makes a classy exit, and Single Mom Diana, who he does take the time to let her know that since he didn’t see something long term he didn’t think it was right to keep her away from her kids. Sincere or not, at least he made an effort for the gentle let down. She also exits without doing the Big Sloppy, for which I’m grateful.

Long night! Still waaaaay too many ladies! But! Next week? Sean gets happy pants a LOT. And gets lots of chances to practice his not-so-madd kissing skills. With many mouths. I know. Ew-ish. Also, Tierra? Stakes her claim to the Season 17 Villain and I don’t see her relinquishing that title any time soon. I also don’t see Sean relinquishing his hold on her either. I know… Men.

Don’t forget to enter the Giveaway this week! Details at the end of Part 1! Here’s the link back if you need it: USA Today Recap

And please know, you all get my rose for hanging in there with me! Hershey’s Kiss to everyone!

13 Responses to “Bachelor Blog Pt 2. Because it’s bigger than all of us. And a whole lot more drunk.”

  1. …”your mileage may vary.”. LOVE it!

  2. I think I’ve only watched the very first episode of the Bachelor. Its amazing what people are willing to do. Its no longer about finding you “true love ” its about how much TV air time you can get.

  3. i only watched last night to find out who one the Harlequin Photoshoot.. I needed to know to enter a couple of contests. Then I turned it off.. Sorry i am just not a fan of this show…

  4. I also started sipping every time I heard “you’re so genuine”.
    If it were not for my fruity beverage, I would have gagged.
    Can we do Hersey kisses following the word genuine?
    I might need it. ;)

  5. These blogs are so much fun to read! The photo shoot was fun to watch, and I have my bag of kisses ready for next week!

  6. Anyone else think it’s weird how everything is always “AMAZING”?

  7. I am more excited for your next blog than I am for the actual show! I appreciate your compassion, perched on the edge of ridicule. Ok., sometimes leaping way over the edge, but certainly when it is well earned. Teehee-erra is the classic boy-meets-enticing-sparlking-girl, girl-hides-psycho-bitch-side story. Dez is the quintessential, likable, wonderful, tactful girl who must realize that her natural ability to have him like her has left her forgetting that she might not even want this jokester. I mean, he put her to the test… sheesh, maybe he should be showing her why he’s the prize for her (and not just because of the contrived setup). Maybe I like this show because it reminds me that I don’t want to be any of these girls, no matter how beautiful or booby they are… I mean I have a brain.. well, had one.. I am watching this show… help me… !

    Setting up a girls’ night to watch and then read your blog next week. Kudos and Gracias!

  8. I have to say, maybe the prank with Des explains why he didn’t make it to the top with the Bachelorette. You know, his childish behavior. I am also thinking that maybe the prank with Des leads her to be the next Bachelorette, if she makes it to the end & decides “Are you kidding me? Absolutely not!” Just saying, you know… Great comments & dish Donna!

  9. I don’t watch the show – sounds like a lot of drama going on. But that is how they get you to watch the show.

  10. Just watch Monday’s Bachelor still not sure who I like best! We will see what happens tomorrow!

  11. I don’t watch the show either, too much drama for me.

  12. Would love to win cupcake club books. Thanks so much.

  13. Great blog. Love your books and would love a chance to win a cupcake book.