Beach Bachelor Bingo! Part 2

Welcome to Bachelor Recap Part 2! (Catch up with Part 1 over on USA Today HERE.)

So, we’re still on the beach and I’m still enjoying Sean’s chest. (Hey, you watch the show for what you want, I watch for the man flesh.) In the end, karma smiles and Tierra’s team loses the volleyball game. It’s harsh and the other team, totally does the group girl shriek of giddiness. (Five yard penalty for excessive celebration!) While Team Loser is forced to stand there and watch as they frolic into the waves with Sean.

Now, I’m competitive in general, but some of these girls are devastated. “If I don’t get alone time with him, he’ll never get to know me and he could have been the one!!” I understand the sort of fishbowl mentality that happens in this kind of incredibly unnatural set up, but…honey. There are thousands upon thousands of potential “ones” out there. And a whole lot of them just saw you on national television strutting your very fine woman flesh in a bikini. I’m thinking that even if you go home tonight…finding dates? Not going to be that hard for you. But do the Big Sloppy Cry? And your chances, they dwindle. So…man up already and step away from the Kleenex box! Perspective!

We’re back to the winning “these women” and Lindsay gets some alone time. Wedding Dress Lindsay. I know she turned it around a little with him, but she’s all “you’re so amazing and genuine” (Kiss! Kiss!) “and perfect and…” (Here it is, the Kiss Trifecta!) she “feels a connection….” Oh, I’m just going to sip my drink for a bit…I’ll be back when she’s done killing any possible chance she had for getting further with Sean. Except, they kiss anyway. (Oh Sean….really? No. The kitten voice alone, which sounds more adolescent than sexy, would drive me insane.)

Then Practical Joke Victim Des gets a turn and feels “blessed” to be the only one to get so much alone time with him. I like Des, so I’ll forgive her. Lucky? Sure. Blessed? Gah. It’s a bit awkward as Des tries to cram “who I am” into sixty seconds, but he’s still picturing her in her bikini, so she’s safe.

Back at the Ponderosa…

The final date card is opened, and, unluckily, it was Tierra who snagged it to read it. She announces the one on one date is for….AshLee! Wait a beat. And Selma! Heads turn, brows furrow….then Tierra’s all “Kidding!” Just AshLee. Yea, Tierra? Read the room. Not amusing. Although, to be honest, I’m pretty sure she was pot stirring on purpose. Petty little soul that she has. Sarah calls her out on it, but what, you think she’s going to show remorse? Sincerely? HA!

Back on the beach…. Des plays a bit of the bully bitch with Amanda. Now, Amanda, as we learned last week, is total dual personality crazy town. But, in her Private Camera Time, she comes off as relatively sane. So, it’s an interesting balance. I’m hoping Sean simply opts out of the discovery process with her all together. We already have Diva Tierra. I don’t know if we need Bunny Boiler Amanda to go along with. Just me? Alrighty then. The only good part? Des overhears her being all “I’ll be so wonderful for you” and Sean going “I know, I love that about you!” (I think we have another Kiss item with that line!) and wake up call for Des! Yep, you’re not the only one to hear it. Even Crazy Amanda gets a “I love that about you.” Ouch. And? A perspective gaining moment. Use it wisely, young Padewan.

One of the things thats even more twisted about this “we’re all dating the same guy AND living together” thing is how someone like Des, who’s obviously a bit pissed off, has to dish about it with someone, so she does with the other girls, which, you have to remember, are also the “other woman” just as much as Amanda is, even if less crazy, but…anyway. Just odd. Then Amanda comes back and glows and gloats about her time with him and….yeah….I’ll see your icky show dynamic and raise you one heaping soup spoon of crazy.

And then Kacie ignores every lesson every contestant on this show ever learned (and most of the viewing audience after one season) and decides to take Sean aside to tell him about “the unfolding drama” as she is sure this will turn him off of them…and on to her. Kacie, Kacie, Kacie….when has this ever worked out? Even when absolutely sincere, which I doubt this is, entirely? A total of never. So, she pours her little “oh poor me, I’m stuck in the middle and I have to tell you this” and the first thing he says isn’t “well, those mean girls! I shall shun them!” It’s “Um….so why are you telling me this?” HA! And HA again. And she was actually on the show once before, so even less excuse for this stunt. Besides, even if it was a sincere “Hey, I’ve got your back, you need to know this!” she doesn’t even portray it that way. She makes it all “I’m stuck in the drama, it’s all about meeee.” About which he can do….what? Squat. She backpedals, backpedals…. Sean’s been leery of her from the start as he questioned if she came on the show for more airtime or for him, given they’d already pretty much firmed up the “we’re just friends” thing…and while he’s been willing to be open minded about shifting from friends to more, if this doesn’t put his radar right back up…well, then….y’all are welcome to each other.

Time for the date rose. And he opens with “I’ve gotten to see sides of people I hadn’t seen before.” Amanda preens, Kacie turns a certain shade of oh sh*t. Des smiles smugly. Yeah. I’d give it to Lindsay and steer clear of all the crazy tonight. I mean, she’s a bit too I Wanna Be A Disney Princess, Will You Be My Prince Charming for me, but on this night? That’s relatively sane. Oh wait, were Robyn and Jackie there, too? Um… Hunh. Anyway, the rose goes to: Ha, I called it!! Lindsay Ariel Cinderella shoots, and she scores! And makes a lame drunk toast! Aaaand, let’s call this one a wrap. We still got one more date to go and I’m running low on crushed ice and umbrellas!

AshLee with a Big L gets the other solo date. He likes what he sees so far….but we know better, don’t we? Oh, it’s time for The Drama! Okay, so Bigger Drama! AshLee is waiting to get picked up (what’s with the lace dresses??) and Tierra, who senses that her camera time has dwindled far too drastically, far too quickly, falls down the tile steps to a heap at the bottom. Accident? Sure. Seriousness of injury? Who knows. No blood, but hey…she may not have any anyway. And, enter our Hero, only to find a damsel in distress and not just his happy, smiling date. Now, to her credit AshLee (and Lindsay) are sincerely concerned and not all “wow, talk about play for attention!” Yet. Now, by the time he gets to her, she’s sitting up and holding her head. No blood, no bump, just Tierra and a little lightbulb of “heeey, I get some attention after all!” going off. At least, that’s how I’m calling it. I mean, get someone to check her out for a concussion, absolutely, those were hard tile stairs…but… And ho, hey, AshLee’s concern is now tempered with “I hope she’s okay, but bummers about it being on MY DATE TIME.” I mean, I can’t blame her.

Tierra has now gone from “attention time with Sean” to “leave me along paramedics! Now I’m not looking good on camera!” She’s very whiney and crying about wanting to be left alone, which, if she thought it through, she’d realize isn’t making her more sympathetic. (Being all stoic, strong girl, hey, dude, I’m good, is one thing. This? Is not that.) But maybe she did get her noggin rattled more than we know. Maybe it will knock some nice into her! Aaaaand, not so much. She whines to the point that the paramedics actually take off the neck brace and set her free. Hey, I wouldn’t want to deal with that strapped to a stretcher in the back of my ambulance, either. But…wow. AshLee (and Sarah, judging from the eyeroll) now wonder if there was any real fall at all (lots of clatter, but no one saw it) and it was just a play for attention, or something made out not a big deal and she couldn’t risk the paramedics finding out “hey, not even a single bruise! Hard to manage on those tile stairs!”

What bites more? Instead of talking to his date, who he’s left sitting with no conversation from what I can tell (and, oh yes, she’s in lace dress, he’s in tee and shorts!) he heads out to the private gazebo where Tierra has gone to presumably lick her wounds. He’s all “Hey, I know it’s embarrassing but are you sure you’re okay” stroke stroke stroke. Gah. And hunh, would you look at that…as soon as he’s got his palm on her bare thigh and she’s all curled up with him, she’s smilin’ and life, it is good! Double gah. And a gag, for good measure. (See? This is why I fast forwarded in the beginning. Did we need to see this twice? I think not. I didn’t even want to see it once.)

But the real farce here isn’t Tierra – we already know her game – it’s Sean, who is spending an inordinate amount of time checking up on her, hanging around a little longer to joke and laugh it up with her, even teasing that he hated she fell, but hey, we got some more alone time! (GAH!)…..while his DATE is sitting in the kitchen WHERE SHE CAN SEE THEM CUDDLING. I mean, they all know he’s dating all of them, yadda yadda, but handle yourself with some sense of tact. Don’t show up for a date with me then take a time out with another girl and play cuddle time while I’m watching. Classless and tasteless.

He’s deep in the minus column on brownie points. And tact points, and gentleman points… I’m not an AshLee fan, but I don’t care who his date is, that’s rude. (Prank last week, thoughtlessness this week…it’s a good thing for those of us who will never have to date him that he looks fine without his shirt on, because the fantasy of wanting to watch him fall in love is dimming fast…)

We come back from commercial and they’re in the car and on the road and he’s all “I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else but you” (to which I’d have a realllllly hard time saying “Oh? Hunh. I could have sworn otherwise.”) But AshLee has her Lady Face on and is going to Make The Day Fun, Dammit. Sean has another “learning date” (wow) where he wants to find out is his future bride to be caring and compassionate…and act like a big kid. (Because, you know, he is! And we’re all nodding our heads….but maybe not in the aww, isn’t he adorable kind of way.)

Now, the problem with these “learning dates” is that he’s learning one thing about one person, but not if one person has all of those qualities…so a little weird. But let’s go with it. The show has arranged for them to have all of Six Flags to themselves. And…I don’t know. Maybe at night, with all the lights on, it would be kind of romantic. And it definitely beats having to deal with crowds, etc, but something about just how empty it is, and how very little they know about one another, makes it kind of….well, not creepy, but not maybe as romantic as hoped for. Also, I’m not sure where the caring/compassionate scale comes into play. Aaaand, then we find out. Sean is big into charity work (thank goodness, something we can give him points for) and he tells AshLee that he feels selfish keeping the empty part for just the two of them, so he’s asked a few other people. Now, he hasn’t said the word charity yet, so she is having to work reallllllly hard to keep her Lady Face on now (super squinty smiles!) because I’m sure she’s thinking “Seriously?? Didn’t we already have people on our date??”

Now, the charity is the Starlight Foundation, which is such an awesome, awesome, organization, and the situation today is that two teenagers with life threatening illnesses, who have connected via the foundation and become very close, but have never actually met, will meet there that day. Which, you can’t get more incredible and touching that that. AshLee is, of course, thrilled to be a part of it. Who wouldn’t be? (Well, I’d have liked to have seen Tierra’s Private Camera Time on that…but…) Anyone with a heartbeat would have to be touched. It also impresses her that Sean is doing this, and given he needed serious rebound points, it might have taken something like this to get him back anywhere near my Winning! column, but AshLee seems all good and fine and it never happened. Of course, to me, she’s still a bit of an odd duck. Just something not quite natural or right about her. Just me? Sean is great with the two girls, very comfortable and natural, which is also a plus in his column. We see a bit of AshLee with them as well, and it’s all very heartwarming and sincere. They get a private concert from The Eli Band and the girls love it. If he had to recover a major point deficit, this might just have done it. I know he’s a hero to those two girls.

There is a little alone time for the two of them at the end of the night. He asks her what a family would look like to her, and she talks about having kids and adopting kids, which he also wants to do. Which opens it up for her to tell him she was adopted, and prior to that, abused by a foster family, which definitely takes him aback, but in a compassionate way. She has a kind of odd expression about her at times and may sound a little stilted, but in this moment, she’s very clear and articulate and I can see why he’d connect deeply to this side of her. It lines up very much with his values. She talks about the day she was adopted at age 6, and he’s moved to tears, and so, end of the day, whatever my impressions of her are put aside (for now), and I don’t know that I see them as a couple long term, but all that drama at the beginning? Long, long in the past. Tierra? Tierra who? And I’m good with that.

Cocktail Party!!! Grab your Hersheys!

Lots of drinking, lots of nerves. Girls who have spent the entire “journey” thus far with no alone time with him are understandably on edge. And…okay, so you Bachelor veterans, tell me this: we’re only a few weeks in, but there are a handful of women who haven’t had any screen time and equally negligible time with our bachelor, so to me, they’re filler. I realize at the end 15 of them are filler, but at the moment, I could whittle it down to five, easily, and go from there. So my question is this: do any of the women with up-tip-now next to no time with him, and very little camera time ever suddenly come out of nowhere to become a serious contender? I mean, I get keeping the crazy and the villain around for drama and ratings, but they’re getting screen time. I’m talking about the ones you could line up and have no clue what their names are I’m curious.

Sean does tell the women he hasn’t spent time with that his heart is still wide open (unsettling as that is, I’m sure, to the ones who are already planning their wedding invitations after one “amazing” date where they made their deep “connection”) and he also talks to Sarah, who didn’t date at all this week as she had the solo date last time around. He even plans something a little special, so she doesn’t feel left out. Aww. There might be a hero down in there somewhere after all. Except he doesn’t really think the presentation through. He walks her out and a limo pulls up and she’s all “Are you sending me home?” freaking out, because limos = leaving in this game. Yikes! Sean yanks the door open so she can see he’s had her dog, Leo, brought over for a visit. Now? Awwww. And whew! on her part. (And, okay, them hugging and Leo with the squeaky ball made me laugh.)

He does a drive by past a few girls for some Tierra Time, which must be annoying to the drive by girls who have had no time with him. They rehash accident again and she’s all adorable with him, then Des totally snatches him away. Tierra is peeved, and drops the f-bomb (She wants to f’n punch some walls, y’all. Marked contrast to the giggly girl on the couch with Sean. Makes me wish he had access to the house footage as he’s making his decision. Of course, the show’s stand on that is “he wouldn’t see what his dates say in private in real life…blah blah blah” But in real life you don’t date a dozen women who all happen to live together and make it a contest they all have to win, either, so I think “fair” and “real” are concepts that might need to be viewed differently. As in, it’s “fair” for Sean to know how these women you’ve made a captive audience of “really” act.

Des tries to sink in the claws, stake her claim, and Tierra “I get what I want” saunters right back out and snatches him back. I’m not a fan, but in this case, Des was over-reachin. However, the girls in the house get their hackles all up in a twist seeing Tierra get More Time. They’re freaking out about not getting their minutes in, and while I get the stress of competing (ugh) and having to if you want the “process” to work in your favor…but It’s the kind of desperation that is not remotely entertaining to watch. It’s the kind that makes you hope after they get home and get their heads back on straight they’re embarrassed by (and, if not, hopefully they become enlightened when they watch this on national television.) Because Cat fight!! Cat fight!! because you didn’t get five minutes with ONE guy and truly believe you might lose your ONLY chance for happiness EVER?? Yeah, not my idea of Good Times. Or Good TV.

Lesley goes in for the grab which leads to a grab montage and Sean seems so surprised that they’re all gaming so hard. And I’m like…dude, you were on the other side of this, right? Maybe he had the early time with the bachelorette on that season so he didn’t feel the desperation, I don’t know, but honey, really? This surprises you? And then there’s Des, still waiting for him to come back and of course, he can’t really, and who knows if he even would have, and she’s all “I don’t play this game” and I’m all “Honey, you signed up to exactly play this game” so I have no patience with her, despite the fact that I completely understand the attitude. Except here on this show where you know this is coming before you even begin.

On Sean’s part, he says, it’s early on, but he has to know “early on” only applies to the girls he actually plans on keeping around for awhile and there are those who already know it ain’t gonna be them, so they’re making the last ditch play.

Which leads me to wonder if I see any of these women (“these women!” Ack! Now I’m doing it!) as long term prospects for him. Now, that’s taking into consideration that in some ways, he’s no prize, either. But given he’s the one we’re talking about…who would you pick at this stage? I liked Des, but tonight she showed a bit of meowrowr! that wasn’t entirely attractive. Possessive Girl isn’t an attractive look on her.

Lesley of the Extended Kiss is a frontrunner and I do like them together, and I like their shared values and life outlook. I think Sarah is a sweetheart but I don’t know that I see them as a couple Big Picture, simply because I don’t see a true spark, not one of any depth anyway, though I hope this brings others into her life. Same goes with AshLee (though she seems to have the potential to allow this “process” to make her completely unstable if she doesn’t win in the end.) And….anyone else?

For me, not Lindsay. She seems very young in life outlook and demeanor. Not Kacie, for obvious reasons. We can eliminate Tierra and Amanda. Which leaves The Women Who We Don’t Know. I don’t see Robyn or Other Lesley as he’s shown no real interest in them. I don’t think he strikes sparks with Kristy (who was way more emotional after that volleyball loss than I’d expect. I’m thinking she doesn’t lose very often. In anything.) Taryn, Katherine, Jackie, Selma, Daniela…non entities thus far, completely. We might like them with him, but how would we even know?

So…not exactly a thrilling bevvy of potential here. Front group based on what we’ve seen: Des, Lesley, Sarah, AshLee (aka one on one date girls) and Tierra. If I had to pick 5 right now, that’s who I think he’d pick. And from that group, I’d go with Lesley for the win. What do you say?? Who would be your early odds on fave?

Rose Ceremony!

Okay, well, let’s see who gets roses, shall we? More to the point, who doesn’t? Whoop, Sean picks up one rose then stops and asks to speak to Kacie alone. She tried to make up for the backslide from the date night but only got as far as Sean telling her they’d taken a step back before they were interrupted, about which Sean seemed very relieved. He’s still carrying the rose he picked up, so there’s wild speculation from the other women, but I’m not sure he realizes he still has it. I think he’s letting Kacie go and wanted the chance, given they were friends prior to the show, to explain why personally. Which, if so…kudos to him for at least doing that much, and for not stringing her along any further. And that’s what he does. He saves her the rose ceremony and she limo’s it out. (Though the rose part was an unfortunate oversight.) He explains himself to the ladies and I think they respect him for it, and yay, less competition, but also, dang, he’s not kidding around here. And then the first rose goes to…Tierra. Gah.

He hands the first handful of roses to the Rarely Seen which is interesting. But then, Crazy Amanda gets one, so who knows. In the end, Des is still on the chopping block, so the final rose drama was a bit thin, though maybe she got the message to dial back the possessiveness a bit. I’m not holding my breath.

So…who’s out? Taryn and Kristy. Taryn tries to avoid the Big Sloppy, but slides a little over the edge during Private Camera Time. Kristy? She does the quick exit, says what needs saying, and almost makes it, then fairytale trips off her lips aaaaand…yep, the Big Sloppy. Sigh. But I popped a Kiss, and so, we’re good.

And we still have 13 women left. THIRTEEN. Gah. Let’s move this along, shall we? I appreciate that they’re trying to give him to time to actually meet all of them, only it’s not really working out that way so much, so….yeah, slash and burn, baby, lets whittle this herd down, shall we?

But, since we know that’s not going to happen, then let me mitigate the pain and suffering with a new GIVEAWAY!!! (To see who won last week’s giveaway, check out Part 1 of the recap over at USA Today, HERE.)

This week, I’ll make it easy on ya:

1. Send me an email at donna@donnakauffman.com with “Bachelor Monday’s are good…but Free Book Tuesdays are even better!” in the subject line.

2. Add which book of mine you’d like in the email itself, along with an address.

And that’s it!

Yep, the winner gets their pick of ANY one of my books. (There’s more than 50 to choose from, so go do a little browsing at my website bookshelf: Bookshelf I’ll announce the winner in next Tuesday’s blog post!

Then get back on over here and DISH!! We see some of the Previously Unknowns get some major lip lock time with Sean next week in the previews, so….will this change the Big Picture? Do you have an early favorite? Spill!!

I will leave you with what, for me, was the highlight of the show this week (and very likely next week..and the following week…) Yes, I’m talking about our Workout With Sean Time. Never say I didn’t give you anything….

One Response to “Beach Bachelor Bingo! Part 2”

  1. This season is tough for who would be good for Sean. It is week three I don’t see anyone special. I did enjoy the Lindsey the first one on one date. We will have to see who gets the next big KISS.