(For Part 1 of this recap, head over to USA Today and catch my column there by clicking HERE.
Now…back at the Roller Rink Group Date…
Sean says how he’s so excited to watch the girls go at it given they’re all so sweet and all. Oh Sean. (And, to my amazement, they all kept straight Lady Faces on when he said that. Hunh.) He did at least peg Tierra and Bunny Boiler Amanda as the potential aggressors, so he’s not totally blind.
Then we get a montage of girls cracking their elbows, fannies, and heads on the hard rink surface, which triggers that auto shudder response thing in me, which I hate. At least last week all they got was sand in uncomfortable places. And then there’s Sarah, who, due to having one arm, doesn’t have the natural ability to balance that folks with two arms do, so that seems needlessly cruel. And watching her fall over and over again as Sean just leans against the rail isn’t remotely a good time. Sean, dude, can we lighten up with the extreme sport crap sometime soon? I know the producers are loving this, but me? Realllllly not so much.
To her credit, AshLee is the one who sits down with Sarah and tries to get her head into it, gives her the perspective she needs to do what she can, and not expect to be perfect at it, in hopes she has no regrets later on. So, points to Ash for being a friend instead of a competitor. Sean does eventually have a chat with her, and while I get that he thinks she’ll have that same sense of accomplishment doing this that she had on their date…I don’t know. That was mind over matter. This is entirely different. It’s not that I’m advocating that she shouldn’t even try, but she could get seriously hurt. And though he says he’s fine with her sitting out, the fact that he wanted her on this date implies he wants he to try, and I get the pressure she feels no matter what he says at this point. I just wish she hadn’t been put in this position in the first place. It also makes me wonder, if they were in a relationship, would Sean be constantly pushing her to “be strong, no regrets, go for it”? Because, in some ways, that’s great, but in a lot of ways, dude, back the f’off. She shouldn’t be having to prove something every other moment, not to him and not even to herself. It’s one thing to conquer obstacles as they present themselves, but quite another to be on a constant hunt for arbitrary obstacles. She’s been living her life quite well up to this point without that.
Amanda is kicking roller booty and looking more the bunny boiler every second, but since this could possibly provide me with the only amusement factor on this date, when she and Tierra go at it, I’m okay with it. And then, of course, she over reaches and cracks her chin directly on the rink. They’re concerned she broke her jaw (!!!!!) so it’s off to the hospital. (Honestly producers, why don’t you just have them fling rocks at each other from close range next time? Or shoot at each other?) I think this was a needless and ridiculous idea, given the potential for serious injury. (And Amanda was the good skater.)
Fortunately, Sean comes to his senses, though, once again, a little too late (Or, more likely, the show’s legal team freaked out and decided there was no preemptive contract clause strong enough to keep the women from suing their assess if any more of them got seriously injured) and shifts the remainder of the roller portion of the date to a fun free skate where they all skate together and there’s some time for him to actually interact and skate along with them. Gee…like something you might do on a real date? Wow, what a concept.
At the post skate dinner, he’s hoping for a more relaxed evening (ya think!) and while he congratulates them for giving it their all, I’d have liked at least a little apology on his part for putting them through that. (Honestly, if a guy I was dating decided that “testing” me that way – by watching me fall and crack my body up all over the place – was his idea of a good way to judge if I was worthy….yeah, I’d be deciding he wasn’t worthy long before he got his answer.) And, are you noticing a trend? Sean has had a fair share of “not thinking this through” type dates… And we’re only in Week 4.
The girls try to make small talk, and AshLee is once again playing kind den mother, but Tierra is having none of that. She is SO done with the group date thing, y’all. And I have a feeling we haven’t even begun to hear about it. Sigh. Amanda makes a surprise appearance at the post-skate, so thankfully, potential bunny boiler or not, she wasn’t seriously injured. Everyone is happy to see her, except Tierra. Because this increases the competition pond again. Not that she sees any of them as actual competition, just annoyances that she has to skirt around to get Her Man alone. And boy is she annoyed. Then Amanda loses all of my sympathy by going the Dumb Kacie Route and trying to work her situation to her advantage. I mean, the tonsil comment to Private Camera Guy was funny….if you weren’t half afraid she’d boil a bunny. Because then? It’s kinda scary.
Back at Housewife Headquarters…
Daniela is all waxing rhapsodic about her certainty that her solo date is going to be awesome…except then Des announces the date goes to Other Leslie.
But hey, we must rush back to Post Group Date Drama…..because (and I know this will come as a shock) Tierra has decided that all the girls hate her and she’s just not going to sit around and take it so she storms over to a producer and asks if she can leave. She then goes on a hunt for Sean, who we see doing some pretty serious mack-daddying with Wedding Dress Linsday (yow) and then the other girls are all “Well, we don’t like her, but she refuses to engage in conversation, and just wants to read bitch fight into every conversation, so whatevs” and then it’s Tierra doing the Big Sloppy Cry about how the Mean Girls are hating and she’s not going to be a victim…and did we miss something? Because, overreact much?? I mean, we know Amanda is wackadoo, but this a whole ‘nother kind of crazy.
So, Lindsay has talked Sean into some hot tub time, but on their way there, Tierra sneaks from the shadows to snatch Sean away so she can completely fall apart all over him and tell him she’s leaving. She’s not cut out for this competition crap, etc etc yadda yadda zzzzz. Sean says if she’s not feelin’ it, then sure, she should avoid the drama….but then he gives her this knowing look and says “but I know you want to spend more time with me. I can see it every time you look at me.” And yep…Tierra melts and the warm fuzzies are all back and she’s like “I’ll survive this for youuuuuuu” and I’m gagging in my throat.
Because A: way to push someone to endure a bunch of harsh because you’re not done playing with her yet and B: what an ego! Also, C: Kacie pulled this crap and was shown immediately to a limo, do not pass go, do not collect $100. But since Tierra gives you Happy Pants, you’re going to keep her around despite the fact that she’s clearly a very high maintenance drama queen. So, in front of all the other girls, he snatches the rose and goes back to give it to Tierra to make sure she stays. “I’m crazy about you” is officially on our Hershey Kiss Drinking Game list. I think we deserve a whole handful for sitting through this hot mess.
Those two deserve whatever they get. Sheesh.
Solo Date #2:
Sean hasn’t even shown up yet and I’m already incredibly over his date. Leslie is also wackadoo, as it turns out. Not so much in the bunny boiler way (Amanda), or the one bitchslap away from a full on Psycho shower scene (Tierra). No, Leslie is Overly Giddy Girl who talks too loud and laughs too big and she’s not even on the date yet, but already planning the wedding and naming their kids. She’s the one with the pasted together scrapbook by Date 2 and pages and pages of her soon to be married name written in pink loopy Gelly sparkle pen. (Sorry, Lindsay, you were the candidate for this, I know, but this chick SO has you beat.)
I mean, I know the girls are getting attached early on, but she hasn’t even left the hacienda and she’s already in that post date glow phase. It’s one thing to let go of your imagination when you have at least an evening’s actions to go on, but this is so beyond unrealistic as there is zero foundation as yet – okay, okay, so yes, her invite came with diamond earrings, but seriously girl, it’s a Dating Show…they don’t Mean Anything — but you’d think he proposed already.
Gah. And double gah. But she’s just too loud and over the top, so fair warning! My finger is on the fast forward trigger. And it’s twitchy.
So, here’s the overview: Finally he stops torturing his dates and takes her on the Pretty Woman Rodeo Drive tour where she gets to play dress up. I’m not sure why she gets the fun date, except maybe he saw her as the tomboy who needed a princess date. Not sure that’s what I saw, but whatever. What I don’t see is any real connection between them whatsoever. She’s the girl who makes her date cringe a little every time she opens her mouth and is ten times louder than she needs to be. And I honestly don’t think she requires any more from Sean except that he be good-looking and interested in her….so it’s a pretty empty combination to me. Aaaaand, blah blah blah, smokin’ hot couture dresses, yadda yadda yadda matching shoes and handbag, don’t forget the crazy Neil Lane diamond necklace, and bingo, bango, bongo, we’re at the post date segment of the today’s Longest Date Ever fest. (I know, I know, asked him to stop torturing his dates and instead he’s torturing me with his date.) Am I the only one who feels less than anything between them? I mean, she’s all “my dress, my shoes, he’s hot in a tux, the perfect husband!” without paying any actual attention to the guy himself. It’s….weird. For Sean’s part, he’s all “this is the most romantic date I could dream up so if I was ever going to feel a click with her, this would do it.” Yep. Wah wah wah. You’re toast Other Leslie. Because it’s very clear that, for once, he’s not “crazy about you.”
All that said, I know what it’s like to feel like some version of the too loud, too much girl, so I’m glad Sean takes the time to tell Private Camera Guy how he sees all of the great qualities in her, and he’s quite sincere in his appreciation of what she has to offer, even as he’s quite honest that there is no romantic connection there. No surprise to us viewers, though I do feel badly for both of them now that he has to essentially dump her on national television at the end of what otherwise, I’m sure, felt like a pretty nice date. I’ve been on both sides of that table, and both roles pretty much suck. I can’t imagine the amplitude of that suckage if I’d had to be part of it in front of millions of people. To his credit, he ends it before the planned private concert for two. I hope Leslie is with friends tonight…
Drunken Rose Ceremony Par-tay!
Sean announces to the ladies why he sent Leslie home and encourages open communication. Robyn tries to make an impression with hokey pick up lines, but at least they both know they’re hokey and laugh. I think Robyn is just the Next Leslie…along with Daniela. But maybe Sean won’t let the GU’s go until he’s dated them. I don’t know. But I don’t have high hopes for them. He makes sure AshLee knows he’s still (say it with me) crazy about you.
Then Tierra decides she’s going to call out who she perceives as the Mean Girls. It’s kinda funny that to Private Camera Guy she’s been all “I’m not here to make friends and I’m going to take what I want” then seems all surprised and offended when the other girls don’t have nice things to say about her. How exactly did you think that was going to go for you?? She talks to Robyn and Jackie where she gives a faux apology which they faux accept and I’m sure that, even though she admits she was insincere, she’ll be just as shocked when they keep talking about her behind her back. Which…they will. If, you know, they’re still there after the rose ceremony because…Jackie who?
Five seconds later, they all prove me right. They realize she’s just courting their favor because she doesn’t want Sean to hear from every single girl in the house what a bitch she is. (See, this whole “I’m not here to make friends” thing backfires every time and….you’d think they’d figure that out long before the scrambling to mend fences stage and yet…not so much.) Fortunately the girls in the house do realize that playing the “hey, pssst, Sean, you’ve got a witch in the house” card won’t do them any favors.
GU Katherine gives Sean a kiss card and moons about him and he moons right back. Seriously, dude, how do you sound so sincerely half in love with every single one of them? It’s a gift, honestly. I’m just not sure it’s one I’d ever want to be on the receiving end of. Because yikes! Can you imagine TCO sitting at home watching this and holding on to the ‘well, in the end he chose me, so I don’t care’ attitude? Week in, week out, I think that’s going to get pretty hard to do. I know I’d have a hell of a hard time.
Rose Ceremony! Katherine has moved out of the GU’s I think with the first rose of the night. All the regulars get the next raft of roses. Robyn is a surprise rose. She’s Leslie 2.0, and we all know it. Jackie hangs on another week. And then we’re left with one rose…and Crazy Amanda and Daniela. Points to Sean…he sends the Bunny Boiler home early on. I guess we have enough drama without keeping her around any longer. She doesn’t do the Big Sloppy or the Mad Crazy, and I’m sure the producers are disappointed.
Next week we get 2 episodes over 2 nights. Double the dates….and, sadly…double the drama. Yep, we’ve had ambulance/hospital calls every single week so far and next week? No exception. (10 guesses who the paramedics are coming for this time…and the first 9 don’t count. I know. Seriously.)
So, I’ll be doing madd finger calisthenics all week to get limbered up for all the recapping. I’ll be stocking up on umbrellas and crushed ice and a big super sized pack of Hershey Kisses. Expect a long list of qualifying items on our drinking game list because…dear Lord, we’re going to need all the sugar buzz we can get. Join me, won’t you?? (Don’t send me in there alone!)
But, for now…enough with the roses and the sobbing…it’s time for smiles and Free Stuff! I announced the winner of last week’s contest over on USA Today in Part 1 of this recap.
Now it’s time to announce this week’s Giveaway!! And I think you’ll accept this virtual rose…at least I hope you do! Up for grabs this week is an advance copy of my April 30th release, HONEY PIE (Cupcake Club #4)! Woot woot!
To enter: send me an email to email@example.com with “I accept this virtual rose!” in the subject line. Address in the body of the email so I know where to send it if you win….and that’s it! Simple! Then tune in next week for all the dish…and the announcement of the winner and the next Giveaway!!
But rightthisverysecond, let’s gab about this week! What did you think? With the new dates, do your thoughts on front runners change? Who’s in the final line up? Who is just filler? DISH!!