It’s the Bachelor Meets The Titanic! Who’s with me? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

So, yeah. Are we having fun yet? Aren’t you glad you’re tucked safely in your cozy little nest as you read this and not on a “Fun” date with Sean? Me, too.

We’re in Part 2 of Night 2 of this week’s Bachelor Event!

If you missed the first part of my Bachelor Night #2 recap, pop on over to my USA Today column and catch up with us. So, you, too can be properly pissed off by the stunt Sean is pulling on the women this week. (Honestly, aren’t there any boundaries on this show? Anyone? Bueller?)

Where are we? Group Date!

We’re in the absolutely gorgeous Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada, where the views are both awe inspiring and humbling, and that’s just watching them on television. I can’t even imagine what it would be like standing amidst all of that.

I also can’t imagine wanting to date a guy whose idea of fun is testing me to see if I’m willing to risk death to win his approval by jumping in a lake of frigid water. The fact that they have a mandatory EMT and lifeguard there to help you if you “don’t make it” is enough all by itself to make me want to smack some sense into him. Honestly, if this is what he feels he needs to do to figure out who he can marry, then he’s welcome to whatever idiot goes along with his methodology.

Selma climbs a Mount Everest level of notches in my estimation when she refuses to be intimidated into doing something so risky, just because some guy dares her to. (And by the very fact that he has dared them implies that them going through with it is important to him, meaning there’s a very clear risk of going home if you don’t.) I’d be calling a cab and telling them to just come on over and pick me up. (And this is something I otherwise might very well be tempted to do…just not under these circumstances.) If Sean doesn’t realize that the very nature of this “competition” for him is going to coerce even a single one of these women into making an unsound judgment call, thereby putting her life at risk – not merely her integrity, or her pride, her LIFE – then he’s a bigger idiot than even I think he is. And that’s a pretty giant sized one at the moment.

Sean further pisses me off by strong-arming Selma and trying to get her to relent, but she’s no dummy. She’s not having any of that. Rock on, Selma!! And clearly considering she keeps asking him if he’s upset with her, and he says no, then in the same breath finishes with “but you should do it” not once, but three or four times….yeah. Shut up, Sean. Either you’re okay with it, or you’re not. And clearly you’re not okay with anyone not enjoying your FUN date. AshLee doesn’t want to do it, either, and neither does Tierra. There are others who don’t want to, but are just going to do go for it anyway, lest risking making him unhappy. And then both Tierra and AshLee cave because they’re not willing to risk losing him. Wow. Just…no words. You deserve each other then. Because if you’re unsure, then you should never try something where there is such a high danger quotient. And he should be putting your best interests above his own, and yet he’s so not doing that, he doesn’t even realize you have interests that are not his own.

They all race in, and freshly out, they’re all over the top exhilarated, best experience ever! Until the adrenaline leaves and suddenly you’re just cold and wet and it starts to get painful. See, ladies, it’s not the part where you dunk yourself in 30 degree water. That takes a few seconds of daring. It’s suffering through what comes next, when you’re in a tent on the beach, soaking wet in frigid temps with nothing more than a space blanket, a robe and some boots.

And then…The Tierra Show begins.

Maybe Sean wasn’t showing her enough love for being So Brave and all. But she’s prancing around on the beach, no robe on,no boots, only the space blanket, acting all woozy crazy. Because she is, even when she’s inside, fully dressed and warm. I have zero sympathy for this, not because she let herself get goaded into doing it, or because she clearly made no effort afterward to cover up (probably hoping Sean would be wowed by her bikini bod) but because I largely suspect that a goodly percentage of this is an act. At this point, anyway. God, she’s exhausting.

Sean steps into the tent and sees hey, there’s Tierra, once again requiring EMT assistance. He feels all helpless and concerned and, yes, it’s scary because YOU MADE THEM DIVE IN ARCTIC WATER. But in the back of your mind, does not even a teeny tiny red flag go up?? Come on, dude. You can’t claim ignorance about her antics now. (Oh, and now he feels terrible for putting them at such serious risk. Again, AFTER he’s done it to them.) Am I the only one who is becoming completely terrified thinking about this guy as a father? I mean, his significant other/wife is an adult who is making her own choices and taking responsibility for the consequences. If she lets him push her like this, then she has only herself to blame. But the idea that this is how he thinks things through when it comes to the well being of people he cares about…yeah. I don’t want him procreating.

Now, Tierra is carted inside by the EMT’s where she’s warmed back up and quelle shock, her vitals are fine and she will be okay!!! Her first words, to the camera of course “I missed time with Sean” in a baby voice, then a little sad face. Yeah. Total act. Last time you pulled this, you got your alone time when he came to see if you were okay. I’m sure he will again. So….you win again, Tierra. But wow, what a sorry excuse you are, you know? Wasting the time and efforts of medical technicians and worrying people needlessly just so you can manipulate some alone time? Just…wow. But you know what? I’m past wanting Sean to run, run fast. I say, pick her, choose her. You both deserve each other. She thinks only about herself and after watching you plan things week in and week out while giving no real clear thought to how it affects anyone but you…it’s a match made in heaven. Or hell. But a match, all the same. The ones who should run are the other 8 women. Far, and as fast as possible.

While the other women have to row their canoes back down the lake (no lie!!) Catherine and Des, having watched the drama from their balcony, rush down to see who was in trouble. They find Tierra, and to their credit, they both seem to think she does not look good. They don’t doubt, as yet, the veracity of her claim of needing medical assistance. And she does look pretty rough. Which I am strangely okay with. Next time, put a dang robe on! The rest of the girls get home, and they are still beyond pumped. Well, a few of them are, anyway. AshLee, not so much. But having all survived it and rowed their canoes back to tell about it? Yeah, they aren’t buying it. Sean, whose face is still flaming red from the sear of the cold air, of course, has rushed down to see Tierra and climbs into bed with her. Awww, I’m sure she’s sooooo upset by this. Yeah. Then Sean tells Private Camera Guy that he wants her to stay in bed and take care of her widdle self, and that he’s secure enough in his feelings for her (GAH!!!!) that he doesn’t need her to come to group date cocktail event planned for that evening. I can’t even unwrap and eat a Hershey’s for fear I’ll gag on it.

God, will this episode ever end?

Group Date Cocktail Party:

The girls are thankful that Tierra is sitting this one out so there won’t be drama and it’s a pretty fun filled evening for them, albeit mostly because they are mocking Tierra, but hey… Sean heads off with Lesley who tells him she loved the canoe time, and getting to run into the water with him holding her hand and how she’s falling for him and it’s so exciting! He’s all “you’re so special, yadda yadda” many Hershey Kisses, we’ve heard it all before, but he is definitely bolstered by her being bold enough to tell him that she’s falling, that she could get serious with him, and given we only have four eps, left, I guess it has to turn that corner.

He goes off with Sarah, who shows him photos of her family when she was growing up and it hits Sean that wow, I guess I’m going to have to meet their families, soon. Wow, this is like, all serious now. (Because really? Think. Things. Through.) My feeling is he’s poleaxed because he realizes the girls he’s stringing along might actually be making plans in their own heads, picturing bringing him home, and oh crap, maybe it’s wrong of me to lead them on like this, even though I told them to hey, just roll with it, it will all be over in a month and who cares if you get hurt as long as I find the right one of you for me?” Or something to that effect.

Then the girls get the startling but not completely surprising surprise of Tierra, yes, showing up for the party. She’s not letting them get the best of her, no sir. She even put spike heel boots on her frostbitten toes. Yeah. She’s in pain, y’all. And oh, so am I. The girls are pissed because they all jumped in the water too, but Sean isn’t offering to cart them around like he immediately does with Tierra. Of course, my favorite line of the night, after they were all giddily boasting to one another how awesome it was to dive in that lake and now they’re going to go around the world to all the other Polar Bear Club events and make a thing of it…which I bought, right up until Sean, after thanking them for once again putting his needs above their own personal safety (or…something like that) that he’s going back to dive in again the next morning! To a woman, they all freeze with the Oh Sh*t look on their face. HA! Oh yeah, you’re all badass rock star arctic divers. Once. None of them so much as blinked. Loved it.

What didn’t I love? That he whisks Tierra away for some more one on one and the first thing he asks her is if they fall in love on the show, is she expecting a proposal at the end. WHOA. Where did that come from? This from the guy freaking out about suddenly realizing families might be involved here is talking marriage proposals? To TIERRA? Lindsay interrupts before she gives him an answer so she can go make out with Sean for a few minutes. Which is exactly what Sean says. “We can just use this time to make out.” And they do, to the point I actually had to fast forward because the spit swappage was a bit too zoom-in-lens angle for me. Gah.

End of the night, Tierra is sure she’s getting the date rose. After all, she almost died for him, y’all. But Lesley scores the rose for baring her soul to him. She’s the other one who has a solid head on shoulders in this and hasn’t been too scathed by the process, like Des was. So…Catherine and Lesley out in front. Des took a hit, and by not participating, I think Selma did, too. Daniela – who should dive in arctic water more often because her hair looks fabulous – is definitely not It. And when they tease us with Sean sending someone home before the ceremony even happens, I’m thinking it’s Sarah.

So, bottom tier: Sarah/Daniela. Middle: Lindsay is fun to make out with, but she’s too immature, overall, for him to choose in the end. I’m still really, really not seeing the connection with AshLee but he claims to have one, so she and Lindsay are middle tier. Des fluctuates between bottom and middle. As does Selma now. Which leaves Tierra in the top tier with Catherine & Lesley. Final three. I’m picking it.

So…who is he sending home? Yep…it’s Sarah. I’m glad, given how sweet she is, that he is finally putting someone else’s needs in front of his own, at least briefly, and especially given his disregard for her so much of the time, with his “planning”…that he is letting her go instead of dragging it out. When he comes back to the hotel room and asks her to step outside with him, she’s wary, and so are all of the girls. Not a single one thinks there is anything positive in him doing this. And…they’re right. His good-bye speech isn’t wonderful, though he’s trying…but awkward! She handles it like the classy woman she is. And though I’m sorry for the painful awkwardness of him walking you back to the hotel room so you can say goodbye to the girls and complete your mortification while he waits outside to escort you out to a waiting limo (ouch!) and I’m thinking maybe he should have just done it at a rose ceremony after all and saved you this (again with the poor planning!)…. trust me, Sarah, you could and will do SO much better than this guy!!

I absolutely hated how this made her feel, and that she was put through this again. Heart goes out to her and I so get it. I truly do. (And Sean? This is what you’re asking them to do. Just sayin. It’s not drama free, sorry. Or painless. By its very nature, it can’t be. That’s why Des was asking you where she fell on the Feeling It scale. It was a fair question, and you blew her off.) Sarah – I hope if your time on the show did anything, it’s to bring a wonderful guy into your life who can’t wait to meet you. I’m far more interested in your happy ending than Sean’s.

One on One Date:

Now we find out if Des will face the same fate. Daniela is all doom and gloom as she hasn’t had one date yet and Des is now on number two. And oh, you can imagine how thrilled Tierra is. Des’ date card read: Don’t be scared…to fall in love. Oh, if I were Des, given their track record so far, I’d not only be very afraid. I’d be petrified.

So, once again, we’re using the Torquemada Guide to Dating as Sean takes Des on a picnic….that she has to rappel down the side of a 400 ft cliff to get to. (She deserves the equivalent of the Pretty Woman date after the stunt you pulled last time, but no….. I mean, honestly, what other test do you need to perform on her to find out if she measures up?) Sean says he knew her confidence in their connection was shaken and she was questioning if she should even be there (because she has a working brain) so this date is to reassure her that she’s special to him. So…he has no questions, but this is the date he comes up with? As reassurance? What, you can’t just go out and have fun without risking death like you did with Lindsay? Sigh. So, suddenly we’re on Amazing Race. (And even for Amazing Race, this is a monster mountain they’re rappelling down.) Now, if this was for a million dollars? Strap me in! If it’s just to spend time with Sean? Yeah….no. Now, I do get the bonding that happens when two people do something challenging, even scary, together. But his reasoning processes aren’t about that. In fact, he has the strangest way of thinking things through I’ve ever heard. This is supposed to convince her that once you start something, you commit to it. (Except, of course, he can decide at any moment to cancel your commitment and send you home.) What? I will say that I don’t think either one of them is really feeling each other any longer. She’s entirely skeptical, again, because she has a working brain. and I don’t claim to know anymore what the hell Sean is trying to do, but he’s not relaxed and happy, he’s like on a mission or something, and it seems more about teaching her a lesson than truly reassuring her. Yow.

For her part, Des keeps the whole event in perspective and knows it’s something she did for herself, as much as anything. Or anyone. (And Sean, what is it with you needing to feel you’re introducing women to things they’ve never done before in their life and imposing the experience on them as if you’re bestowing upon them this amazing gift being as you’re all so incredibly awesome to realize that without you, they might have never, not ever, experienced anything like it. Because, on their own, apparently, they can’t do anything once-in-a-lifetime cool. It’s just weird….how he frames it in his mind.)

On the picnic, they do re-bond with one another…and later, in the teepee, they continue to open up. But, I dunno. I still don’t see her in the Top Three. She’s back solidly in the middle though. She gets the rose, so she’s not going home. Not this week, anyway.

And finally….Rose Ceremony:

Lesley has a rose, Des has a rose, Catherine has a rose. Tierra is pouting because she’s not front and center and hasn’t figured out her next plan to get herself there again. Daniela should see the writing on the wall. All of them are more freaked because of the Sarah Exit. So much so that that, combined with not Polar Bear Dipping, Selma is going to risk shaming her family and pissing her mom off by going ahead and kissing Sean on national television. So some of her You Can’t Make Me Arctic Dive street cred disappears.

Drama is at a minimum and Sean is back in his Happy Place. He likes all 8 women who are left, so his questions are going to be centered on “Can I see having a family with you.” Selma is first with the kiss. She keeps it chaste, so there is that. Lindsay’s turn. She promises that this time she’s going to actually use their time to get to know him (hey, there’s an idea!!!) instead of spending their whole time making out. Sean is not on board with this, but thinks he can have fun with it. Like getting to know her can only be equated to like…a joke? Oh Sean. And what he learns? She sleeps naked. And…that’s as far as they get before the need to make out with is too strong to ignore. Or, you know, talk.

AshLee’s turn. I love that she says jumping in the lake was “like, the dumbest thing.” Rock on. She does appreciate that he got her to step outside her comfort zone and need to control everything. But tonight…um…her way of explaining that to him is to give him a scarf to blindfold her with. So he can lead her as he wishes and she will show complete faith and trust in him. (Oh wow, Fifty Shades chick from the first night, is going to be SO annoyed when she sees this!) Now, I get all that, but we’re seeing just how far down the control freak rabbit hole AshLee really has gone. Which further cements my “she’s not the one” feeling. I worry for her, because she’s finally let down all her guards…and yeah. I hope she’s okay when it doesn’t work out as she’s now seeing it. Because he’s not picking her. I don’t see it.

That’s all we see and it’s Rose Time.

Ooh, with Sarah already gone, I thought maybe only one was going home. But this is the Big Cut Week. Five girls left with no rose…only three to hand out. So we go from 9 to 6 tonight, overall. I’m good with that.

Who gets them? No surprise that Lindsay is called first. AshLee is next. That leaves Selma, Daniela, and Tierra. We all know Daniela is history. And given he’s been totally Pro Tierra this entire episode, I can only think that Selma did indeed seal her fate by not going in the water. Stupid Sean. Selma, you did the right thing. If a guy has to bully you into doing something that you’re completely and utterly uncomfortable doing because he’s convinced you’ll be so grateful for the experience, given he’s certain he knows better what’s good for you than you do….yeah, head high, exit stage right. And yep, Tierra gets the final rose. I’m interested to hear his remarks on his choices, or his not choices, but we all know why. No one is calling the shots in Sean’s relationships other than Sean. He’ll let you take the lead, as long as you’re doing it the right way. Meaning his way.

Also, it annoys me a little that when he didn’t give Daniela a date, he clearly knew she was done, yet he dragged her through the rose ceremony rather than doing the “merciful” early exit. Not that I think Sarah had it easier, it wasn’t. But if that was his rationale, then…..what the hey? And wow, it’s a very stiff, formal “Thank you for coming, it was fun getting to know you” goodbye to Selma, as if she was already long forgotten. (And, face it, she was persona non grata after the Polar Bear Plunge.) But Sean? You shouldn’t have let her shame her family by kissing you. Not when you knew the stakes. I mean, it’s ultimately on her, she chose to do it, but still… And then not even a walk to the limo for her? A more meaningful goodbye? Dang. Now that’s cold. I guess when they step out of line…dead to you. Remaining 6….you paying attention?? To her credit, she leaves calmly, with class. Daniela, on the other hand, is totally shocked, y’all! Which…really? When you didn’t get the date?? Come on. She does pull the Big Sloppy Cry, but I’m not surprised.

Back inside, Sean is all stoic “That was so hard to do. I had developed feelings with those women.” We’re back to “these women.” It’s awkward and weird and stilted and I guess it would be, so just don’t offer the remaining women any platitudes. They don’t care why you sent them home, just that you did. And it’s especially awkward when you didn’t even bother to personally escort out and give a personal good bye to “these women” who you’d apparently developed feelings for to the degree that sending them packing was “the hardest thing I’ve done.” Gah. Seriously, Final 6. Think this through.

Next week…St. Croix. I need at least a week to cleanse my palate after this week. The previews aren’t helping any. We get declarations and….more drama. No guesses on who stirs that up, because we’re all over it by now. Boy….are we over it.

So let’s lighten the mood, shall we!! There’s a Very Special Giveaway happening this week! Here are the details:

Valentine’s Day is coming and given the role Hershey’s Kisses have played in getting us through this season, I thought it only right to celebrate the holiday with some free books, and free chocolate! And because we have a two night show this week, let’s double the pleasure and have two winners next Monday!

To enter to win ANY book from my website bookshelf & a yummy chocolate surprise, send an email to donna@donnakauffman.com with “Books & Chocolate? I’m in!!” in the subject line. Then check out my website bookshelf HERE and in the body of your email, tell me the title you want to win, if you want print or digital, and where to send it (email/format or snail mail address.)

I will pick TWO WINNERS and announce them in next week’s Bachelor Blog! Good luck!

And now? DISH!!!

4 Responses to “It’s the Bachelor Meets The Titanic! Who’s with me? Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

  1. What an awesome explanation of the two nights of mayhem that has become a standard in this show. And I agree with you on (almost) all of your views. The one glaring error you make is assuming that Sean is making all of the decisions on his own. Really? You think? Not me. I think the producers play a big role in who Sean chooses. You think it’s chance that the last rosé given out in a ceremony always goes to the most controversial woman? Hardly. So much of this is orchestrated by the show. Tierra is only still in it because its good for the ratings. We want drama. It would be more boring than it already is if there were no drama. They tell Sean to pick whoever he wants as long as one of them is Tierra right up until the final women, then she’ll be cut loose. And the coolest among them, Sarah, was only kept on, by the producers, for the “oh my, poor thing” factor. Sean would have dumped her first night if it was up to him. But it’s not. I’d love to see his contract and what he gives up by turning himself over to the producers.

  2. Love your blog! I’ve been reading for this whole season.

  3. If this show was not so pathetic, it might even be funny. Do these woman even have a one brain between them… Donna, I can’t wait for DWTS to start.. I love your commentary much better for that show… All I can say is THANK GOD, there are other shows to watch on TV…
    Have fun watching your show…

  4. I have enjoyed your recaps of “Extreme Bachelor”. Where is the romance in scaring women on the sides of buildings or mountains? I don’t know anyone who is at their best when that stressed…..strange path the show is taking.
    Anyway, thanks for the laughs!