We’ve got roses, premature fantasy suites, and all kinds of dipping. Yep, this season of The Bachelorette has begun!

Have you refreshed your fruity umbrella drink?  I hope so, because that’s not the only fruity thing happening on the premiere of The Bachelorette.  Over at USA Today, on Part 1 of this recap (here), we’ve already had everything from shirtless guys to magic trick guys, fountain safaris gone wrong to a guy in a full suit of actual armor.

And Host Chris comes out to tell us that’s just the first 15.  We actually have 10 more to go.  Oh.  Goodie.

Des is holding up well, but even she has to be thinking “what, you couldn’t find enough normal guys so you went for the crazy drama?

So, Limo Round 2 begins with Cutie Chris.  He starts off admitting he’s nervous, then makes Des nervous when he gets down on one knee….to tie his shoe.  Bada bing!  He’ll be here all week!  Actually, it’s pretty cute and Des is doing the blushing cute girl laugh, so I think she’s thinking it is, too.  Then it’s Dental Mike who shows up what looks like his dental jacket.  Spinning Sign Robert is up next, and makes a production of taking off his tie then…goes inside. Which…um, okay.

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Then it’s Pro Soccer Player Juan Pablo. Sexy accent, he tries to teach Des how to say his name, but she’s not entirely game.  Point deduction for Des!  He gives her chocolate from his country and, well, I can say Juan Pablo, Juan!  Just sayin!  Come give me some language lessons!  I’ll even bring the chocolate!

Then we get Brandon in a grey suit with brown shoes…on a Harley.  Dude.  If you’re going to make the fantasy Harley entrance, take it from a professional romance writer.  Jeans.  Tight.  White t-shirt.  Also tight.  Boots.  THEN we’re talking.  But a grey suit and a bandana tied over your face is just dorky.  Des thinks he’s cute and he is.  Just…no brown shoes again, Brandon.  Ever.  Then it’s Brian from Baltimore who thinks he doesn’t need a suit since he wears them all the time so he just goes casual while she’s in a sparkling gown…and is all “see you inside” and wanders off.  What is wrong with these guys?  Think. Things. Through.

Then we get Micah in a suit that pretty much defies description.  Blue blazer, pink shirt, black checked tie, red and gold bellman pants…with letters stuck all over the blazer that say “Designed by This Guy.”  He recalls how Des made her entrance on the Bachelor in a dress she designed herself, so he was doing the same.  See? THAT is thinking it through.  Not that he stands a chance probably, but at least it played.

Nick strolls up and he’s all “I want to do something different” and you know she’s thinking “which makes you exactly the same…but go ahead.  Now what?”  Or maybe that was just me.  He wrote a poem, cute and she’s all nodding and smiling.  Then Gorgeous Dan strolls up and me and Des forget all about…whoever he was.  Because, goodness gracious, Dan’s all Mad Men Don Draper Dashing and we’re big fans of that.

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Then a small adorable tyke climbs out of the limo…along with his contestant dad.  And part of me melts right along with Des, and the other, mom part of me is thinking “you’re dragging the kid into this straight off? Really?”  But Brody is pretty freaking cute and dad Ben is adorable, too and…oh OKAY, I’m a fan.  Brody heads back to the limo and grandma and Ben heads inside and, so…this is the line up, Blog Babes!  It’s going to be interesting.  In a train wreck kind of way.

Cocktail Party Time!

Host Chris tells Des she can pull the Sean Rule and hand out roses willy nilly if so inspired.  Inside, the men see them stacked on plate of acceptance or rejection and the worry begins!  I’m going back over the group of 25 in my head and thinking if I were Des, I’d already have a few rose contenders…and a whole lot of “please, dear God, can I send them home now?”  Yeah.  It’s going to be that kind of season.

Des starts to talk to the guys and I’m instantly reminded of the part of her that bugged last season, which is this sort of baseline nasal voice thing she has going on.  It’s kind of drone-y.  Just me?  But I’m also reminded of what I really liked about her, which is her down to earth, girl next door, one of the guys kind of personality.  She’s gorgeous and a knock out in the gown, but you get that she’d rock the shorts, flip flops and baseball cap and make them both memorable.

Oh…boy.  Magic Nick does pull a pretty smart stunt and makes Des “disappear”…out into the garden with him.  Groan, because Nick is not my dream man, but still…score on smoking the other dudes.

Then we get Brandon already being all intense and manipulating and cuts in on Nick.  He gives her this coin from his mom and I’m already getting fatigues by the earnest attempts at the first impression thing, but what else can they do, I guess, but try to be memorable.  Still, it’s basically speed dating.  Ding!  You’re thirty seconds are up!  Next!  And it’s exhausting more than anything else.

Guys are pinging and ponging so fast that there aren’t any roses being handed out because they’re so swiftly being replaced.  But finally Ben leads her away and he’s so darn cute and sweet.  These two do have a lot in common.  Hard to beat the adorable kid as a memorable entrance, but he seems like a pretty good guy in addition and…..we get our first rose!  Whew.  Thank goodness it’s to a Guy We Like.  So there’s one good thing.  Then the guys get a look at the rose on his lapel and freak out. It’s funny, but in the Bachelor season, the women get all “oh no she di’n’t” catty whereas the guys freak out and get all insecure and aggressive.

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We get the montage of guys being desperate, culminating in Shirtless Zak who is getting creepier by the second, who strips to his Calvins and does a cannonball in the pool.  I’m guessing it was mostly because Zak only knows how to use his body for attention, so, you know, talking to her didn’t occur to him.  The other guys hoot and holler.  And while Zak is still making his way out of the pool, someone else snags Des away.  Then all the guys leave.  And there’s Zak, in the Cold Pool of Shrinkage, wishing he had a towel.

Think. It. Through.

Why do I have a feeling that’s going to be the tag line for this season?

Des comes in and gives Zak a pity rose for the stunt and I’m not sure if Zak even has an actual personality.  He’s just sort of Plastic Ken Guy.  Bryden pulls Des aside and they talk about his time in Iraq.  He’s more quiet guy, but he can open up and talk and not be “on” while he does it, and…that nets him a rose.

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Oooh, grab a fruity umbrella drink refill because it’s Juan Pablo’s turn!  Des is just as happy as I am to listen to that sexy accent come out of that sexy face.  He pulls out all of his Beckham moves, only about ten times more suave and sexy and I’ll give him a rose if Des doesn’t.  She’s all “Hey, he’s Fantasy Guy.  And I’m okay with that.”  So she wins her point back.  Then the other guys come out because they’re less insecure in a pack and gang up on Juan Pablo, who deals with it so smoothly by pulling them effortlessly into a group soccer game.  Yeah.  I’m liking this guy more and more.   Is he Final One material?  Honestly?  Who cares.  Just let us watch him some more, mkay?

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Then Drew gets kind of ridiculously adorable with her and scores a rose. Sadly, this is followed by Bad Dance Move Guy who tries to fix his bad first impression by digging a hole and making it worse.  Oh…boy.  And…wow….so while Zak is Harmless Creepy Guy, we’re back with Jonathan who is Hardcore Full Tilt Creepy Guy.  He’s the one who gave he the fantasy suite card and has not bought a single clue on how insulting that was or how badly he misfired.  Oh contrare!  In Jonathan’s mind, she’ll probably change her mind now that she’s met the other guys.

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To that end, he sets up his room of seduction, with some pushups thrown in for good arm pumping measure then goes out to stalk her down–and I so mean stalk here–so he can lure her back into his den of crazy and kiss her “on the mouth.” In case we weren’t sure where he meant.  He sounds seriously high and yet I’m guessing that’s just his normal voice. It’s all oh so very very creepy and almost borderline scary.  Show, it’s one thing to get the armor suit guy, but don’t go casting borderline scary dudes.  Yee

The only bonus is Bad Dance Move Guy cracks funny on him and actually scores some points with me.   Both because, hey, at least he proves he’s pretty funny when he’s not so nervous and two…apparently every guy in the house already gets that Jonathan is Seriously Creepy Guy.   Which he proves by trying to get Des to his seduction room and she’s all “dude, seriously?” so he settles for some bench time and Des sees the crazy and we all hope she backs away slowly from him and the rose platter.  She splits and he actually heads back to the room of seduction alone and hangs out…with himself. Oh, and his giant, huge…Love Tank.  As he calls it.  His receptacle of love which has just been building and building and sorry, I’ve already run screaming into the night.

Jonathan makes his final critical mistake (in a long line of them, I’m sure) by trying for a third time to lure her into his den of seduction, and Des enters my Favorite Bachelorette Hall of Fame by, instead, showing Jonathan straight out the front door, good-bye, see ya!  Thank goodness!  Oh, and Kasey?   The whole “was I going to have to leap in and save her!”  Yeah.  #WeAreOverYourLameHashtags  And we don’t believe you could save yourself.  Clearly.

And because there is a merciful God, there is finally a Rose Ceremony.

Brandon gets the first one.  Zach K (not Naked Zak, who already has one) and who we’ve entirely not seen tonight, gets a rose. Way overly intense yoga Will gets a rose. Brooks gets a rose.  I don’t know how I feel about this guy yet, but I’m willing to find out!  Juan Pablo gets his rose and my night is made.  Brad, #Kasey, James, Robert, Brian, Dan, Chris all get theirs.  And the final rose goes to? Mikey.    On the good side, we see Bad Dance Move Guy goes, as does Magic Nick. (Who should have just been himself, as he was during his final talk to the camera, and he might have had a choice.)  Diogo, who was really way too crushed, poor guy.    But, let’s be honest, we could easily narrow this pool down much further.  I hope time brings out more interesting things about some of these guys.  It did last season, so we can hope.  A lot.

And…that caps the ever so entertaining and enlightening and, well, just plain batsh&t cray cray that is the season opener!  As per my usual rule, I skip past the “we always show you way too much!” previews.  I’d rather go on this journey as it unfolds, thanks.  Please join me next week as we find out where this can possibly go!  Well, other than up.

Honey Pie

Don’t forget to enter this week’s Big Bachelorette Giveaway!  Entry rules are over at the USA Today portion of this recap.  If you haven’t already entered, go check it out here!  Then settle in and DISH for awhile!  Who did you love?  Who made you want to get a restraining order? Who is your early onset pick for Final Two??  Tell me all!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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