Just like The Bachelorette editors to tease us with the alpha man date drama that’s about to throw down….then skip us over to the Group Date first. Oh, okay. If you must. We’ll endure some fun and frivolity before getting to man tears and Private Camera guy condescension. Oh, and show? If you could somehow work it out for the group date to be shirtless despite the fact that it’s cold and snowy, it would make it that much more palatable. What was that? I’m being selfish and self-involved, wanting what I want when I want it? Preferably half nekkid? I’m watching The Bachelorette, right? So….your point would be…..?
Oh, and if you missed Part 1 of this recap, well, hurry up and get over to the USA Today portion of today’s dish. Someone is already on that long plane right home. I know! And, if you missed the Big News yesterday, that would be where Host Chris Harrison and I sat down and dished like two long time Bachelor/ette fans, well, we did and I wrote it all down so you could be part of the convo, too! I know, I give and I give. I’m a giver like that. Click here and go check it out for yourself!
Group Date: Anyway, so we’re on a gondola ride up the tallest alp in Germany, and let me tell you, as alps go, it’s up there. They head up, and up, and up some more. It’s gorgeous, snowy, and there’s fog just to add to the mountain-y mystique. The view is stunning. At the peak, they are met by a yodeler. Juan Pablo is hilarious just trying to say yodeler and I’m glad we keep him around for a variety of reasons, none of which include thinking he’s actually got a snowballs chance in, well, Germany, of winning this thing. We get yodel lessons and naturally, they all go for it. Hilarity ensues. Then it’s time for sledding. And this is no wimpy ass bunny hill, my friends. No sir. I don’t know if I’d go first like Des did with all those guys behind her. There is much face planting and yard sale-ing. The guys are into it, and they’re also loving how open Des is to going for it, face planting and all. Snow ball fights and snow angels happen and it’s proof how comfortable they are with Des that they have no fear of planting a snowball in her face. Or down her jacket.
Back at the Palace Ranch… To the shock of no one, there is tension amongst the three left behind dudes. Ben, MG, Chris. The Date Duo Card ofiicially arrives and says “Let’s heat things up.” Beeeecause, two guys on one date, two guys who don’t like each other…not enough heat? Oh, Des.
We return to the Group Date in time to find them at their igloo mansion cocktail party, complete with rooms decked out in fur pelts and throws. How…cozy. And yet, very cool. Literally. Des addresses the group regarding the Bryden thing (that happened in Part 1 of he show) telling them to just own up and leave if they’re not digging her. It shocks me not at all that everyone remains put. Or maybe their fannies are just frozen to the blocks of ice they are sitting on, but Des seems to take this as a sign that all is well with the remaining contenders. Then Brooks gets some one on one in the furry pelt room, and I’m a fan, because I’d enjoy some time with Brooks in a furry pelt room myself. Just sayin. He’s Sensitive Guy and while Chris has a lot of those same non-threatening, I totally get you elements, you see an entirely different level of awareness between these two, which Des proves by just grabbig his face mid sentence and kssing him. A lot.
Then Mikey snags his alone time opp outside the igloo, and yet has no real clue that he’s not even remotely on the fast track. I mean you can’t blame the guy, but dude….sigh. They make a mini snowman group, or start to, which does melt (seriously with the puns) Des’ heart a little, but ultimately I think she’s more into the snowmen then Mikey. Zak is sneaking in behind them with two drinks and does a yodel, which is hilarious, but honestly Zak? Des is so quickly distracted by this and happily so, Mikey should have taken that as the Big Clue it is, and yet, not so much really. But also, Zak? So wrong. Zak uses his alone time to reveal that, as a young man, he was going to be a priest. He came to Europe on a soul searching mission and on a mountain in Germany much like the one they are perched on, he realized it wasn’t his path. And here is again, on another mountain in Germany, debating yet another new path. He’s all happy and giddy and Des likes him well enough. He’s like that adorable happy puppy with those big puppy eyes and waggy tail that you can’t help but love. And yet, we can see, siting at home, that Zak is not going to be The Guy. Not this time. I hope he finds his True Love at some point, but this isn’t going end that way for him. Sorry dude.
Back at the igloo…James is bumming over going from one on one to the group thing, only he’s not bumming to Private Camera Guy. No, he’s glumming to the rest of the guys. Who, you know, wouldn’t be the most sympathetic crowd. But there’s kind of this vibe where he thinks he’s the In Guy and just expects that everyone else has taken a step back. AND that they want to hear from him about how hard it is to be him. Talk about not reading a room on an epic level. Oh, James.
Drew, the living breathing Ken Doll of Cuteness, reads my mind and opines that after his group date, James has become more confident to the point of being insufferably cocky, and given his little demonstration just now, sadly, I concur. The guys had already noted from his in house behavior that we have, once again, not been privy to, that James is just a big ‘ol player. James isn’t paying attention to that because he’s too busy re-marking his territory by hustling Des off for a roll in the pelts. Brooks decides he’s not down with that, so off he goes to claim her back. Brooks peeks in and spies them macking on each other with great enthusiasm and well, that’s not fun at all, is it Brooks? Maybe you should have thought this through a bit more first. It’s never fun to realize that the woman you’re falling for actually might have feelings for guys in addition to you. James tells us that he’s falling for Des, but now it all seems kind of tainted and I wish we could go back to the James we met on the helicopter date, but then we can never go back home again, can we. Sadly, I fear not.
Then it’s time to hand out the Group Date Rose. James is confident, Brooks, not so much. And Mikey, oh, Mikey…sadly thinks he is in contention. As does Zak. If only they could see what we do. If only…. So imagine Brook’s surprise, and mine, when the only doubting guy is the one who shoots, and scores! He’s relieved and so am I. James, however, is none too happy and my feelings about him continue to flounder.
(Okay, okay, so this is, in part, due to the super dishy background info that I got straight from my new bestie, Chris Harrison. What, you still haven’t read our tell all interview? Well, check it out here and be in the know already!)
Back to Date Duo: two on one date prep. We get shirtless Ben dressing for the date and letting us in to his innermost thoughts, and he’s beginning to wear on me much as he does the guys. His little boy grin has that smirk thing going that annoys me. MG, on the other hand, is riddled with jealousy and anger and he’s a walking send-me-home time bomb. He, like the other Mikey, has no chance in this contest. They just haven’t been there at key times. But this date is a set up for him to self destruct more than Ben. If I were Des, I’d send them both hime. We get the limo of awkward silences on the way to the date. MG is angst ridden, Ben has this smug little grin the whole time. Shut up, Ben. And calm the hell way down, MG. We find out MG is a trial attorney. Hunh. I wouldn’t have guessed that one, but it makes his desire to go after Ben more understandable.
Des tells us that she knows the day is going to be swekward but she wants time with them and to see if how it all shakes out. MG tosses out the compliment in German as his opening salvo. Ben tries to chime in trying to make her laugh but it’s just awkward, and MG addresses that directly so they’re not pretending otherwise. Des tries to cut the tension by faking them out that they’re doing the polar bear plunge, but, unlike Sean, she knows better than to go through with it because she understand the difference between fun and torture. Instead, they head down the freezing cold river in this hot tub raft thing. Bizarre and interesting all at the same time.
Unlike the conversation in the hot tub, which is contentious and awful. Des starts to think maybe the cold dunk was the better approach. I know I am. She makes the Herculean effort to interject actual getting to know you conversation in, in between MG’s digs and Ben’s pouting silences. To Private Camera Guy, Ben pulls the “it’s hard to be a good Christian a good man and not say anything” which makes me groan as much as MG’s insecure jabbing and batting. Me, I’m just praying she sends them both home.
Back at the Palace Ranch: Drew reveals to everyone but Mikey and James that he and Kasey woke up on the ride back in the limo in time to hear James talking with Mikey about how, if they don’t make it to the end that they can still be winners. James feels pretty sure he’ll go far if not all the way, so if he doesn’t become Des’ guy, maybe he’ll be ABC’s guy and they’ll make him the next bachelor. Then they can run more than his Chicago bar, they can rule the world. Or, you know, something like that. Now, after the Bryden thing, which is already on top of the “Whoops, oh look at that! I already had a girlfriend!” thing, Drew and Kasey are Not Happy with this turn of events. Me? Well, it sounds like a long limo ride and James spouting off about how he’s set no matter what happens, blah blah blah. But…whateves. I’m not enamored of the guy at this point given his I rule the world attitude we’ve seen a hint of already. So Drew and Kasey know that it will be imperative to tell Des this news before the next ceremony. Sigh.
MG also thinks that the best way to show Des he has her back is to push every button Ben has on their date and just hammer the guy, trial attorney style, on every single thing he says. Now, Ben isn’t exactly stepping up to the plate here and refuting the things he’s being called out on, and Des notes this, too. So neither guy is making much in the way of points with their respective behavior. Ben looks shady for not having answers to MG’s pointed comments and MG looks like he’s jealous and insecure about Ben’s position with Des, which he very clearly does not have.
For her part, a very uncomfortable Des wishes she’d through this date pairing through better and changes the subject, or tries to, but no matter what direction she steers them in, MG finds a way to dig at Ben until Ben just up and walks outside, where he paces, mutters, and essentially manages to prove MG right by not having anything to say other than “how dare he impugn my good name!” which….oh Ben. While he’s out there, Des makes it clear to MG that she’s not real proud of his behavior either, and he gets that he screwed up and maybe, oh, juset maybe he should have used his time to further his own deal with Des instead of undermine someone else’s. Then she heads outside to talk to Ben and lets us know that while she’s not thrilled with MG, she did notice that Ben didn’t have much to say to back himself up. AND…and here’s the thing all you future show contestants of both genders and listen up – she also opines that she’s pretty clear that, as a group, the guys are a good batch of eggs. And if, collectively, none of them have anything nice to say about Ben,there’s something to that, no matter if she’s only seeing his good side. AND that when he pulled the “I’m just here to get to know you and not make friends” card with Des, her response is “well, thanks, but if you’re a douche who can’t get along with people, take a hike buddy.”
And yet, when it comes time to give the Date Rose, we all still have a pretty good idea that if she doesn’t send them both packing, and given her history, she just might, that the rose will still go to Ben as they have the lengthier history, and he’s just been put on notice. But….wow, no! Des don’t need no stinkin’ time to know…she gives the rose to MG, who at least smartly understands that it wasn’t exactly an endorsement, but merely a means to get rid of Ben…and says goodbye to the single dad of douche-ness. For his part, he instantly proves she did the right thing by getting up and walking out. See ya later bye. Outside, he paces, he mutters, he is incensed that he lost to someone like MG, which clearly seems to be the part that rubs him the most. Eventually Des comes out and he tries to pull it together enough to be civil, but he barely manages that, then no sooner does his butt hit the back seat of the limo of shame and he’s asking the camera guy where they can go get schnockered and pick up women. Yeah. Kidding or not…definitely his time to go. Points to Des for not subjecting us to this drama any longer.
Which is all well and good because we have James drama unfolding now. Even as the guys cheer in shock when Ben’s luggage is silently removed from the foyer, they immediately turn their attention to the Problem of James. Now, you have to at least spend a second wondering if the guys aren’t just targeting anyone who Des shows inordinate amount of attention to, only not once have we seen any of them even mention Brooks or Chris in anything but the best of lights, and they’re clearly frontrunners, so it’s not that. James, apparently, is just an arrogant, conceited ass. And while I wish it wasn’t true, even without a preponderance of proof, I’m not having a hard time picturing it.
Finally, mercifully, it’s cocktail party time! Des shows up all glam in gown and fur and sits a spell with Host Chris, who does a little not so subtle poking and prodding. Des says she’s had an uneven week and might change up the rose ceremony a bit, but that her first foray ever to Europe has been fun nonetheless. Host Chris asks if she’s falling and she says yes. He notes the preponderance of guys she’s made out with and she blushes. He asks who rings her bell the strongest and she demures on the kissing and telling part, saying different guys do for different reasons. So Host Chris coyly asks that if he were to ask, say, who connects best emotionally, Des offers that it’s Brooks (seriously, watch that guy!) and who she’d pick if she purely wanted to make out, and she surprises me by picking Naked Zak of all people. So….Zak has game! Hunh! I suspected she was going to say James. So….NSS Chris? Buddy you got no mention, so I worry for you a bit more and James? Buddy you also might not be where you think you are. I don’t know if it’s his admission on cheating, or if Des is savvvy enough to already sense what the guys do about James. She sure did figure it out with Ben.
Host Chris brings up Bryden, and wonders if his exit makes her more nervous about the whole process. She admits it does shake her confidence and now that feelings are getting in the mix, she doesn’t want to end up being crushed if they all up and go. But that she feels she can trust them. Then smiles and adds she hopes she can. Camera cuts to James grinning confidently and the other guys looking concerned. Oh, editing guys. Sometimes we love you.
Then Des informs Chris that the one thing she knows she’s not goign to do is subject the guys and herself to another round of cocktail party pin the tail on Des time. She knows who is going home, is very clear on that, and just wants to cut to that chase, then call it a night. I applaud and approve. Chris tries to talk her out of it, but no, she wants what she wants.
Meanwhile, Drew and Kasey are all about telling Des that James wants to be the next bachelor and isn’t there for the Right Reasons. James informs the guys that he wants to talk to her first and they call him out on that. Jockeying ensues, then Des shows up and dashes all their hopes to dust by informing them No cocktail party in a castle for you! HAH! I did kind of like that moment. James takes the one brief moment before they head out to set up the rose ceremony to tell Des, in front of everyone, how beautiful she looks and it’s a total player move and everyone, including I’m pretty sure, Des, gets it. Oh, James. For his part Drew needs to get over his overwhelming need to confide in Des about What He Knows. So what if it takes a few more days. You’ll get your chance. Whoever is going home tonight clearly has no shot, so what order they leave in doesn’t really matter, does it? And do you really think she needs more crap piled on this particular week? Between Bryden running back home and her sending Ben out with tail tucked, let’s call it a week and start fresh with the next city, mkay? There’ll be time to say what you feel you gotta say. But listen, don’t take the fact that MG is wearing a rose to mean that throwing other guys under the bus rather than focusing on your own journey with Des (yes, I said journey!) is the better path to follow.
In the end, roses go to everyone but…..Mikey. Yeah, no surprise there. She does make James wait until it’s between the two of them, though, and even if that was producer manipulation, you have to think that only reinforces whatever ideas she might already be having about the guy. I mean, if the show wants him last to build drama, then something is happening she’s not seeing. I keep waiting for Drew to just blurt out that he needs to talk to her, but no. Which means that least a stein or two of those tears we saw in the endless previews have yet to come. Which means we’ll see them previewed again. Oh. Yay.
She walks Mikey out and he holds it together fairly well. In the limo of shame, he is, all in all, calm and together about his exit. Kudos to him for not going all testosterone crazy. We’ve had enough of that. Maybe he can get the camera guy to drop him off with Ben and they can both go after the ladies.
Next week? Barcelona! And betrayal! And tears! Des is crying! James is crying! Oh, Bachelorette!
But there’s no need for you to cry, Blog Babes! If you checked out Part 1 of this recap, then you know who won last week’s HONEY PIE Book Swag. If you didn’t win that round, hey, I have more! Yes, it’s like a never-ending rose ceremony with me. This week? Enter to win your choice of ANY book on my website bookshelf. Even the new one. I know! Click the link, do a little browsing, then drop me an email to firstname.lastname@example.org with the title you picked, and if you want print or digital. Include address or e-book type, then send it to me with “More book swag? Well it better be my turn!” in the subject line. (And feel free to include dish about the show as well. I want to hear it alllll!)
Or, you know, pop back here and share with the group. We still need to discuss who goes next week? Who cries big sloppy man tears? Who storms off in a pout? Same guy? Who is the front runner? Is Brooks your guy? NSS Chris? Or have we been kept from seeing the real shining star? Maybe Drew won’t self destruct by being the Bearer of Bad News… Or Naked Zak has more game than we ever suspected. What day you, Blog Babes?? Tell me allllll!