Okay, first, on Top Chef, our pre-existing relationship chefs are no longer a matter of consideration. Yes, grinch-faced Zoi was told to pack her knives and go, which came as a shock to no one except her lovah, Jen, who continues to insist to Zoi and the world that she is a force to be reckoned with. Which, we all knew said force was going to be difficult to reckon from her position on Bottom Three row, which is where she spent almost every minute of her time on the show. But, way to be loyal, Jen. Golf clap for that.

In other news, there were multiple moments where I kind of wanted to smack the accessories right offa Lisa’s bitchface. Too harsh? True, it’s not like I have to work with her, but I was forced to listen to her kvetch and moan all during what could have been an entertaining hour long show. So I think my own bitchfaciness is somewhat warranted. I mean, yes, Dale is also a jerk, but I don’t so much feel like getting physical with him. Maybe because he’s an acknowledged jerk, which makes him an entirely different kind of annoyance more worthy of pity for being that guy who proudly calls himself out as an ass and thinks this makes it somehow better. Him, we let bitchslap himself. Lisa, on the other hand, needs our help.

At least Dale manages to reign it in whilst working with others, keeping his simmering assiness internal. Not so much with Lisa, who crabs like most of us breathe, which is to say non-stop. She is even outed on the Top Chef guest blogs as being a never-ending whinypants. So when Dale sticks his nose into Antonia’s argument with Spike (who we will deal with in a moment) Lisa, of all people, wants to stick her two cents in and tell him it’s not appropriate behavior. Really, Lisa? Because the degree to which you should take your well-deserved, bacon-winning trip to Italy and shut up cannot be overestimated. And Dale? Get over the fact that she beat you out. Yes, she made bacon. One of a kind bacon that impressed even a world famous Asian chef. You? Made relish.

These people. Really.

And then there’s Spike. And his hats. Seriously with the hats. It’s worse than Crying Ricky on Project Runway. Which I heretofore thought an impossible boundary to cross. But even worse than the tacky hat parade? Is Spike’s attitude. Which, have you seen his hats? Because that’s saying something right there. Yes, Antonia could have chosen to take a back seat because of her immunity, except this contest is called Top Chef. Not take-a-back-seat chef. Props to her for not slacking off because she couldn’t be sent home. And Spike? It is on tape. I went back and checked. She said she’d make an awesome soup if you wanted her to, (her words, by the way) but she felt it was the wrong direction to take with the menu. And she stood her ground with regards to her feelings. Sort of like, you know, a top chef would. You? Did not. Because, after her little speech you agreed with her. So, shut up about everything from that point on, Hat Boy, and take your defeat like you own it. Because, you do. And Zoi? It is too your dish if you’re the one sending it out to be judged. So season the damn thing. What is it about this season where no one wants to, you know…..season?

Oh, and while I’m whining worse than Lisa, Richard? You are so damn lucky you’re not packing your knives. Scaly fish. Amateur mistake. Even Andrew wouldn’t have sent that mess out. Stephanie? Still rocks. Despite having a less than stellar palate, apparently.

Episode grade: D Worst of the season, thus far.

Next week? The fun and frivolity continue. Let’s hope without any more team challenges. Because this isn’t Top Team Chefs, either, Bravo.

Okay….on to this week’s SHaQ Attack contest! Where I promise not to be remotely bitchy. Last week we went old school with the scavenger hunt, so this week we’re going to play Who’s Going Home: Guy or Girl?. We’re dwindling down the number of folks we can vote off islands, stages, and dance floors, so this week you get three chances to enter. You have until Tuesday evening at 8pm EST to send in your vote for who is going home on Dancing With The Stars: Guy? or Girl? You have until Wednesday evening at 9pm EST to tell us who is going home on American Idol: Guy? Or Girl? Aaaaaand, until Thursday night at 8pm EST to tell me who is going home on Survivor: Guy? Or Girl? (Because we’re merged and I’m all done with fan vs favorite.) Three chances to vote. One winner. Announced Friday, right here. Send any or all of your votes to donna@donnakauffman.com with the name of the show you’re voting on in the subject line.

Good luck, happy guessing…..and now, tell me, who should pack their knives, their dancing shoes, their torch, and/or their ukelele?

And is anyone watching the complete and utter train wreck that is Bravo’s Step It Up And Dance? Because….wow. And not in a good way.

Tags: Writing //