A Lloyd plays piano. Idols sing. Crowd goes wild.

Now, on to more important stuff. Who stays…who goes….and for the love of all that is goodness, do we get our fun back next week?

Yeah, that’s going to take about 55 minutes to answer.

Okay, so A Lloyd is a bit of a ham, and interesting. I liked that he didn’t go all politically correct and just say sweet nothings about the performers. He tried to drag Brooke back out from the bus she threw herself under by forgetting her lyrics last night, then turned around and threw Jason smack under by saying he thought it was the most ridiculous choice he’d ever heard of. But he says it all so jovially, you kind of find yourself laughing instead of being appalled. And thankful we’ve already voted.

The Ford commercial was all kinds of strange, but then this is not a new thing. Syesha doing the Matrix thing was, once again, wow. Girl, where has that been, lo these past million weeks? A shame she hasn’t gone there more often. At least it’s interesting. Then there was a PSA about Idol Gives Back from the White House….and all I’m going to say is, what was Laura wearing?

Stool v. Couch time. The David’s are tortured for a little bit, then told they are safe. (And we get the news that it is Neil Diamond week next go around - who I have loved - but all I’m gonna say is, the first one who picks You Don’t Send Me Flowers? Dead to me. Just sayin.)

British Idol Leona Lewis is in the house. To sing. Brooke looks like she’s going to puke. Not because of Leona, but because she’s still waiting to hear her fate. We get a sneak peek of Will Smith’s next movie, Hancock, which I can’t figure out but he’s kinda like a superantihero. I think. But speaking of superheroes — hey, am I the only one who is all over Robert Downey Jr in an action flick? Because that? Is going to be amusing AND fun. Ironman. Be there.

Okay, okay, back to the show. We get a montage of Broadway Idols…Diana diGarmo, Fantasia, LaKisha, Tamyra Grey, and Clay (who, sadly, needs to go back to Idol’s hair stylists. Seriously. What is that saying?)

I haven’t had the pleasure of hearing Leona, and this song? Really looooooong boring song that’s not all that catchy. But she’s exotically gorgeous and she can sang. So, kudos to the Idol machine for shooting another young one to the stars.

Back to the pain. Next out on stage…Syesha and Brooke. Wow, who babbles worse? And, America, once again on crack. Brooke? Safe. Syesha? Not so much. And, while she’s been a bottom dweller for awhile, the one time she deserves safety and Brooke soooooooo does not? Yeah. What’s up with that noise?

I also am guessing this means Jason is our other bottom dweller, but hey, up is down tonight. Who knows. We will, as he and Carly are called out. What is Carly wearing? Never mind. Just, avert your eyes, America. Carly gets kudos, Jason…..trainwreck reprisal. He’s asked how he felt and he’s all “all I know is I realllllly don’t want to be singing that again. Ever. Especially tonight if I get voted out of here.” Or mumbled words to that effect.

Carly’s looking all cocky and talking about what she’s going to do from now on…and I’m all “hey, you’re not safe yet, sister.” And Jason’s just cringing, knowing the axe is coming, and very adorable about it. Which is why HE is still here, Carly. And you? Are on the Shiny Stools of Death. Yes, America, Jason = Safe. Carly = shiny stools.

Is this bottom two deserved from this week? Absolutely not. But is it a shock overall? Also absolutely not. Just a shame to ditch one of them when they finally brought it. Simon says Brooke escaped because she was human, and Jason escaped because he’s charming. And even Simon can’t help but smile while Jason’s all aw-shucksing his way to safety. Me? I’m a happy camper, fair or not. I know. Shallow end of the pool anyone? There’s room by me.

Then Ryan really pulls the rabbit by suddenly announcing that both girls will sing again and wow, so unfair for them to reprise a night that requires a huge orchestration, because it’s not going to stand up well. Which, see Jason’s expression right now. Says it all. Carly is up first and urgesthe crowd to stand. I’m just afraid that skirt she’s wearing…oh wait, it’s part of her shirt. Oh thank heaven! She does her thing. I still think that while she can sing, her voice isn’t strong enough, or heavy enough, to project through a big song like this. In other words, she’s no Heart.

Now Syesha has to play vamp with no piano or man in black. She is seriously pitchy but she completely goes Broadway with the mannerisms and really, why not? Go for it, Sy. (And in the background, is Carly being incredibly rude during her compatriots sing out, chatting up Ryan very demonstratively. Because it’s just always about her.) Syesha, to her credit heads out and uses the judges table as her stage. Well done.

Me, I think both of them could be wonderful on Broadway. But not so much on the pop charts. Which, not a bad place to land. Everyone’s a winner.

Going home? Carly, ladies and gentlemen. Hunh. I didn’t predict a win for her, but…..well, Syesha is now officially the new Kristy “Kryptonite” Lee. I just hope she doesn’t cave in and takes what this opportunity has given her.

We’re down to three guys, two girls. Who’s it gonna be next week? Anyone wanna predict the final two? I know America thinks it’s going to be the David’s. Given that Jason hasn’t been bulletproof, I think that’s a safe bet. I can’t see either of the girls making it that far.

But hey. I’ve been wrong before.

Top Chef….oh, we’re deep in Soapy Drama land now. A shame, really. I like it better when it’s about food, not shanky personalities. But tonight, it’s all about desserts, and so I forgive. Because, mmmmmmm….sugar craving!

Padma explains what anyone who has watched the show knows, which is that trained chefs isnt’ the same thing as trained pastry chefs and many have been booted on dessert failures. She waves around a Top Chef cook book, tells them to hurry up and make something delish, and the winner’s recipe will be in the book. Me? I think that if they’ve ever watched a previous season, that the second they learned they made the show this year, they should have mastered at least one dessert to pull out of their tall white hat. But to not have a fall back? Shame on them. Oh, and btw? Lisa? Wash your damn hair.

Quickfire? Well, duh. Make a dessert. Antonia immediately outs herself as one with no fall back. Dale admits he’s got a grand total of one dessert in him, and this is it. Lisa loftily informs us she swore she’d never cook a dessert on this show. Really, Lisa? Since when did you become producer of Top Chef and get to make those decisions. Wow, when did I start reallllllly not liking her? Oh yeah, for forever. She makes it so easy like that. I hope she goes tonight, and that’s just based on that one comment alone.

Richard tells us how awesomely witty and amazing he is. So awesome he just comes up with stuff off the cuff, because he is, say it with me, awesome. Richard? Shut up. And when you go to Shut Up Land? Please, for the love of all things sweet and sticky, take Spike with you. That is all.

Everyone seems to knock it out, actually. Okay, most of them. Antonia, bottom dweller. As is Spike, commended for tackling the souffle, but still bottom dweller. (Ha!) Mark, who did more dessert appetizers. Top? Dale and his homeboy brew. Lisa. It looked like a hot mess, but….okay. Dammit. And dang, Richard, too? Sheesh. Who wins, and climbs another rung on the Ladder of Insufferable. Wow. When did this show stop being fun? Oh, right, when I stopped liking almost all the chefs this season. How did that happen? It all started off soooo well.

Immunity Challenge this week….wait, first they’re told they’re going to see an improv show at Second City. And do they reallllly think this can be just a social outing? Really? Because even I knew better than that. So, at the end of the show, the cast gets the audience to shout out seemingly random things, which…..become the dishes the chefs have to cook the next day. Lisa drops the F bomb for the second time in the first quarter hour of the show, because she’s all klass-ay like that.

The chefs are left to decide who gets what. They draw numbers. Mark is getting a lot of one on one camera confessionals tonight. This usually does not bode well for chef longevity. Just sayin. Then he has to go say he’s confident in his cooking. Wow, death knell. Sheesh, Mark.

They team up - Spike/Andrew, Steph/Jen, Dale/Richard, Antonia/Lisa, Nikki/Mark (a coupling which further cements my concern.)

Steph/Jen get Orange Turned-On Asparagus. (It was improv, people, no one knew.) Dale/Richard get Green Perplexed Tofu, Antonia/Lisa get Magenta Drunk Polish Sausage, (wow, are these two the pair or what? Both are all really downright haughty. “I don’t cook with beer,” Antonia disgusts. “I’m not dumbing down my food because some idiot shouted it out,” Lisa snots. And god knows they’re not touching polish sausage. Way to embrace the FUN in the challenge, ladies. Can we send them both home?)

Man, I’m really not liking these people. Except Stephanie, sometimes Mark (except he sucks as a chef), and occasionally Jen (no that she’s packaged with 100% less Zoi.) Okay, Andrew can make me laugh. So that’s four. I feel much better now.

Spike/Andrew are Yellow Vanilla Love. Hunh. Rock on. Which leaves Nikki/Mark with Purple Depressed Bacon. I know.

The chefs discover the “improv” in the kitchen is they took all the machines out. Most chefs commiserate. Not Lisa/Antonia, no, they laugh and laugh, because Spike is finalllly making his soup, and yeah, good luck with that. I can’t stand Spike, either. Still, they’re hateful. Then they get the twist that they have to pack up the stuff and cook for the improv crew back at their tiny house kitchen (despite the set table in the top chef kitchen) and, of course, Lisa totally saw that coming and we get more F bombs. Wow. Such intense dislike waves coming from me…..I’m surprised her head didn’t just spontaneously combust.

The presentations are alternately cute and hilarious. Jen/Steph especially rocked that. A shame their dish didn’t rock as well. Andrew/Spike’s dish does well, as does Richard/Dale’s. Spike spikes all over Antonia/Lisa’s dish, but given their level of general horridness this entire show, I can’t even fault him. I want their dish to flop. Spectacularly. And…..it doesn’t go well. (Yay!) Nikki/Mark’s go out, and it’s a hit. (More yay!)

Dale/Richard and Spike/Andrew get the top nods, as they deserve. And only because of Lisa/Antonia’s snot do I totally want the soup to win, even if that means Spike gets a win, too. I’ll just pretend it was all Andrew’s idea. But I’d be good either way, even with a Richard win….which says a lot. Especially since his team does take the win. They both win this time, also deserved.

Bottom time, no surprises. And even when it’s pointed out to them how badly they failed and WHY (they didn’t use polish sausage…in their polish sausage dish. Helllooo?) Antonia/Lisa are still horrid harridans. Hey, if they win as a team this week, can they go home as a team, too? Please, send these two knife packing. Because otherwise it’s going to be Jen and/or Steph, and that? I’d have to stop watching the show. For real. But, given the focus of the questions, it looks like it’s going to go horribly wrong for me. And, probably, Jen. But are they the ones snotting in the back room and dropping copious f bombs (Lisa) while awaiting word of their fate? No.

But, damn. I’m getting a baaaaad feeling, y’all. Yep. Jen is told to pack and go, and at least Antonia and Lisa had the decency to look humbled. I don’t think anyone in that kitchen would have sent her next. Clearly, Jen is stunned. But does she snot? No. Total pro exit. Might wanna take a look into that. Lisa and Antonia. Karma, she’s a bitch.

So…two kinda surprises tonight. They’ve done their dish…now it’s your turn!

SHaQ Attack time….I went easy on ya this week. You just had to send a Pick Me email. Our winning blog babe this week is Kathleen E! Woo hoo!! I have a stack of books to send out, all of which will go when I return from the retreat.

Have a great weekend everyone! I’ll MAC some Survivor for ya upon my return.

But for right now? It’s time to dish! What did you think about the Idol Ouster? Did the right Chef pack their knives?

Tags: Writing //