An exit on American Idol that makes sense. Bottom three? Haley, Phil, and Chris. Boy, I bet he was damn nervous to be up there! I would have been considering what happened to the last two who went up against Haley and Phil. But finally America gets it right and the dreams of millions of men are thwarted as Haley is sent home. Good thing, or next week she’d have had to come out stark naked. Of course, men everywhere can still download pics of Antonella, and now, from what I understand, Sanjaya’s sister. I know. It’s just…there are no words.

Next week? Martina McBride/Country week. Should be interesting.

A lot of Blog Babes are in the running for this week’s free book prize, but there is still time to vote! Until 8pm EST, you can vote for who goes home tonight on Survivor. Someone from the current Ravu, or someone from the current NewMoto? Hey, I tried to make it easy on ya! See Monday’s blog for all the details!

And thanks for all the notes and emails about my poor puppy. He’s not doing so good, better, but he’s having a rough time of it. The carpet cleaners, on the other hand, are sending their entire family to college now thanks to me. At least someone prospers, right?

Happy Thursday!

Tags: Writing by Donna
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You know, that looks all kind of wrong, but was really funny when Tom said it. (Hi Tom!)

Strap yourselves in, it’s Marathon MAC Wednesday!!

On Dancing With The Stars….

Uncle Lenny spanked our dancers, complaining that they weren’t averaging the same practice hours as last season’s stars (13 vs 19, so yeah, a bit of a difference there.) But then, these guys are also doing things like, oh, competing in the world cup and training for the Olympics. So lighten up, Lenny! This is supposed to be a fun show, not Boot Camp.

Beyond that, Maks!!!!! With no shirt!!!! (Hey. Don’t hate me because I’m shallow.)

So, what was up with the music for Maks & Laila? Wow, horrifying parade music for the paso doble? But, I’ll admit that I agree with Bruno that it wasn’t all the fiery. Maybe Maks made it too hard, because it looked like she was really just concentrating on hitting all her steps. Not a lot of confident power in that performance. (But - Maks! No Shirt! I forgive a lot.) (Again, Samantha with the weird Granny-Bun-In-Storm look. Scores: 7, 7, 7, = 21. Fair.)

Okay, how much do we love Apolo & Julianne? T-H-I-S much love, I say! Great rehearsal sequence and, though I agree with their fear of being too young to fully appreciate the waltz, I was really excited to see them perform it. Okay, he had me at the touch of her chin. Sigh. Did I mention I love these two? To go from what I thought (pffft Uncle Lenny) was such a fun, great routine to Pulp Fiction last week, to this? Yeah, these two are in it for the long haul. Because that? Was wonderful. The crowd ate it up, and I did, too. Bruno and Carrie Ann also swooned, then Cranky Lenny had to be a buzz kill. Honestly, who pissed in his Earl Grey? I didn’t think his criticism was on point at all. They went well past learning the routine (that was Laila tonight) to give a beautiful, well rounded performance. In fact, they are the only ones I watch over again, and could repeatedly. They are just that fun to watch. Pffft, Uncle L! Scores - 9, 8, 9 = 26

This week we get Leather Leeza & Tony doing the paso doble, which, I had hoped she’d get the waltz, something that would flatter her stiffness, but no. I guess it was just as well - she has to be able to break that barrier and, well, not so much as it turns out. She’s uber controlled and even when she thinks she’s being naughty girl, again, not so much. She’s too clearly play acting and not all that well, to boot. Sorry, Tony! I don’t think there’s anything you can do here. Bottom two again for me. And, though I’m not in love here, or even in like, Carrie Ann is nice and give constructive criticism, Bruno gives us one of his delightfully demented analogies…and Lenny is just downright cruel. Does he think we need a Simon? Well, sir, you’re no Simon. You just come off as cranky and unhip. Scores - 6, 5, 5 = 16. Fair.

Ian & Cheryl get the waltz (to some godawful song I wanted her to STOP SINGING almost immediately.) But their waltz, if you could shut out the bombastic singing, was lovely. You can see, when compared to Apolo/Julianne, how much more professional and polished this is, a credit to Cheryl’s choreo experience and good teaching. However, while they were lovely and elegant to watch, definitely earning a great score…I had way more fun watching the other two. Way. Sorry, Cheryl! You were more fun with Emmitt, and more fun with Drew. We need more of that! Somehow. (Also? Wasn’t fond of the hair extensions. Too long, so they hung lank and limp, very detracting from an otherwise lovely performance.) The crowd enjoys it, but not nearly the crazed enthusiasm after Apolo and Julianne. They just bring the cuteness. So, naturally Lenny LOVED this because it was boring and elegant, as apparently he thinks ballroom should be. Sigh. Then Bruno saves the night by calling him Dr McStiffy (HA!) and has no idea why the audience snickers. I love you, Bruno. Scores - 7, 9, 8 = 24 (I would have given it an 8., so it all evened out.)

John & Edyta get the paso doble. This should be interesting. (And Edyta has clearly decided to pretend Lenny doesn’t exist and go for the audience, as she is using costuming and role playing. We might as well just ff through Uncle Lenny’s response to this.) Very very sweet when John’s 91 yr old mom surprises him during rehearsal. Awwww! How delightful was she?
They get another song that overpowers and distracts from the dance,which was kind of all over the place, but I wonder if it was the music making it hard to concentrate. Dunno. Kinda bottom 2 for me this week - so sorry John! They all agree with me. Ah well. Scores - 6, 5, 5 = 16 And yeah, deserved. Awww.

Clyde & Elena get the waltz. I think this is his best chance to look good. But if the rehearsal footage is any indication…I’m not holding my breath. I think we have three teams vying for bottom 2 again this week. And none of them are Billy Ray. Honestly, after week 1, who’da thunk that? Judges are harsh. Scores - 6, 4, 5 = 15 Ouch, Lenny!

Three left…and I love Tom!

Karina & Billy Ray. Yay! I enjoy them (for completely different reasons) as much as I do Apolo and Julianne. Who would have ever thought I’d say that about Karina??? But the crying? Yeah, that was very last season, however Billy Ray does the self deprecating thing better than anyone. They will stay no matter what their dance looks like now. On him, the hair and goatee look good, the music is hot (finally - Black Betty? Seriously? Dang, Stoner Music Dude, I didn’t know you had it in you!) and while he will always be Billy Ray, non-dancer, they are very entertaining to watch. He nails the bullfighter if not the dance (like, at all) and Karina does know how to bring the heat. Crowd dug that. Ha! Take that Unca Lenny. And you know, then Uncle Len goes and SHOCKS me by recognizing how hard Billy Ray is working. I don’t know who was more stunned, me or BR. Loved the look on his face. Clearly Lenny was majorly pissed at lack of committment this week and by acknowledging they put in more work than anyone else, made it clear he’ll forgive a lot if you do the time. Nice to know. Carrie Ann sums up my feelings exactly by calling it “oddly awkward, sexy, strange and hot all at the same time.” Scores -7, 7, 7 = 21

Heather & Jonathan get the waltz, which proves trickier for her prosthetic leg than the faster ones due to prolonged balancing. They get lovely music and I think he choreo’d very well for her. It was lovely. I didn’t expect to like her as much, but she’s growing on me. You know she’s doing well when she’s that much more graceful and elegant than Leeza, with all that to conquer. Bruno gives Jonathan credit for the choreo, then Carrie Ann buzz kills all over the place, and Lenny agrees with Bruno. What a turnaround, Unca Len. Scores -7, 8, 8 = 23 Very fair.

Last up is Joey & Kym, who get the paso and hopefully nothing Star Wars. Was I the only one who didn’t like that at all? But this week? Excellent opening. If I didn’t know he was such a jokester, I’d have probably appreciated it even more, because they tackled it very seriously this time. It was really, really good. Hot, almost. Well done, Kym! By far the best paso of the night, and by far the best couple in terms of the skill of both partners being there and one not carrying the other. (Yes, even better than Apolo -though he’s still my favorite cutie patootie.) Standing O. That is what Ian and Cheryl need to do.
Judges loved it, too. Scores - (I’m thinkin 9’s) - 10, 9, 9 = 28. The ten was high, but the 9’s well earned.

Ranking -
Joey/Kym - 28
Apolo/Julianne 26
Cheryl/Ian 24
Heather/Jonathan 23
Billy Ray/Karina 21
John/Edyta
Leeza/Tony 16
Clyde/Elena 15

My bottom two - Clyde, Leeza. With John a close third. Any of them could go and I’d be fine with it.

Speaking of which - last night was elimination night. Since this is already Marathon MAC, we’ll skip right to Bottom Two: Okay, no we won’t. Big and Rich were the guest singers and WOOOT! Drew Lachey was back to Ride a Cowboy with Cheryl. LOVED it. That was so much fun!! He hung right in there with Alec & Tony. Oh, and Joey and Kim rightfully (this time - should have been Apolo last week) get the encore. Okay, shew, now Bottom Two - Not Clyde! It’s Leeza & John. And going home? Leeza & Tony Which is bad news for them, but good news for a whole lot of Blog Babes who guessed right tonight!

Now, if you’re still with me…some Idol MAC!

It’s J Lo / Latin Music week and we are down to the Top 8 singers.

MindyDoo is up first and picks Sway (which I loooove). I’m liking JLo as a mentor. She seems really into it, and a true fan of the show itself, which always makes it more fun. Cute hair, MindyDoo! And she brings the smoulder…as much as a cutie patootie like her can. Another great pro performance. And that dress is kickin! I predict Simon will think it’s dated and not young, and I don’t care. Joyful as always. Judges - Randy dug it. Paula says subtle and sexy. Simon didn’t like it. (I told you so!) For the very reason I stated. Do I know him or what? Scary, that. But I also think it’s a bit of reverse psychology for the fans, since she’s first up. Let’s remember she still needs votes to stay. I think a lot of fans think she’s safe and vote elsewhere to keep their other faves in. So, if that is the case, all is forgiven.

They are starting out with the powerhouses tonight. LaKiki is next. She tackles Conga and I say again, JLo? Favorite mentor thus far, and I didn’t think she would be. Fun! Judges - I actually agree with…Paula? It was kind of generic. She’s good, but it wasn’t wow. Simon says it’s a performance song, not a singer’s song. Agreed.

Chris is next, singing Smooth. He gets the pimp spot, with musicians on stage with him. It’s a good grooving song, and while I think JLo’s advice helped, he’s no Rob Thomas. I’m not a fan of his wavery sound. It’s easily the most contemporary so far, though, in making it sound current. I’m just not in love with his voice, but that’s nothing new. For his fans, they should love it. The performance was good. Judges - Randy’s loving everyone. Paula says its hot. Simon says it was more contemporary - so I’m totally channeling him. Or he’s channeling me. Scary squared.

Now we get Haley who takes Turn the Beat Around, which, like the other Estefan song tonight, more performance than singer’s song, but Haley is only getting by on that, so I guess good choice. So were the hot pants. At least girl knows her strengths. Otherwise? Karaoke. And she ran out of breath with the long vocal runs. First Bottom 2 of the night, but I say that every week. She’s still the only Sexy One, so I’m thinking she’ll stay based on guy vote. Judges - Randy finally keeps it real and uses karaoke (my god, they’re both channeling me!) and Paula also agrees with me. Simon also outs her strategy (like we all didn’t know) and what can she say?

Phil is up with Maria, Maria, who still can’t open a song to save his life. But the boy can close a song and I guess that’s all peopld remember. He might have opened marginally better, but I wasn’t into it. Can’t say he even got better as it went along, he’s still Bottom 2 for me. Sorry, Phil. Judges - Randy agrees. Paula disagrees. Simon says he’s a nice guy, good song, but no originality and can’t get excited about. Same goes. (And the hat? I so hate the hat.)

Jordin picks Rhythm is Gonna Get You. So, why wasn’t this just Gloria Estefan night? Her voice is strong, and she looks great, but I didn’t get the outfit with the copa-like song. Anyway - good rendition, but it’s another performance song and she tries to make it a singer’s song, in a too low register that ends up keeping it kinda boring. She’s good, but this? Not a favorite. As much as I loved last week for almost everyone, so far, no one has wowed me. Come on, Blake don’t let me down! Judges? Randy got something out of it I didn’t. Paula gushes. And Simon? Still totally channeling me. It’s getting downright weird as I’m writing this as I watch, then he goes and says almost verbatim what I just typed. Anyway, he agrees. It’s just not a wow night. Too bad.

Blake picks one of my favorite songs, Need to Know, which is, coincidentally (or not) by JLo’s husband, Marc Antony. I think he’ll put his own vibe on this one fairly well. Seems like a good choice up front. Let’s see how it pans out. (And you can totally tell who her faves are - poker face Stefani she is not. But it’s kinda cute.) Three notes in, I’m sold 100 percent on this. As good as Time of the Season and then some. They might get on him for putting the same sound on his songs, but I think that is his strength, mostly because I happen to totally dig his sound and think it’s what makes him a potential star. He doesn’t go generic. He stands out. Watch out, MindyDoo…I think our dark horse ain’t so dark no more. Oh, and Phil? That’s how to wear a hat. And then ouch, the refrain? Wow, not strong. Just the wrong key. Should be down one lower. Otherwise, nailed it, but that was a shame. Judges - Randy says best song choice of the night. Paula says it captured who he was. Simon says best song choice, best performance so far. Agreed.

And we end the night with….Sanjaya. Because, why not, right? I feel like he’s just a guest star on this show at this point. I don’t even count him anymore. It’s 8 competitors, and Sanjaya. Regular rules ceased to apply to him a long time ago. He’d taking on a spanish song whose title escaped me, and as he has with other guest mentors, he impressed JLo, too. Must be the sweet spirit of him or something. And I think the soft voice plays better one on one. Aaaaand, here we go. Definitely a ballad well suited for his soft voice and the fact that he’s singing in Spanish will send legions of fans into deep swoon. The five o clock shadow and shaggy curls won’t hurt either. I’m just amazed at how he transforms himself each week. I have to say, he does keep me wondering what he will do from one Tuesday to the next. I enjoy him, just for reasons that have nothing to do with this being a singing competition. Which, unfortunately for him (us?), it is. Judges? Randy gives him props. As does Paula. Simon says it wasn’t horrible. Which pained him greatly, but, you know, I agree.

My bottom two are still Phil, Haley. I fear though, as the military vote will keep Phil in, the pin up vote will keep Haley in, so yet another, better singer will depart before his or her time. Hard to say who will keep them company this week, but it won’t be Sanjaya. So..I’d be very afraid MindyDoo and LaKiki. Nothing to do with your singing, but I think going early really hurt you guys. Just hearing the replay clips, Melinda sounds wonderful comparatively speaking, yet, by going first, we lost this. I think tonight is going to hurt. And it might be LaKisha. (Nooooo!!!!)

So…discuss!

And vote! You have until 8pm EST to get your Idol vote in, still plenty of time to get your Survivor pick. See Monday’s blog for details!

Happy Hump Day, y’all!

Tags: Writing by Donna
8 Comments »

…is a bust, as it turns out. I arrived home from work and a verrrrry cold lacrosse game (which we won, at least) to discover that a) my poor dog had been very sick all day and needs a doggie doctor, b) my carpets will also need professional help, c) I will need professional help, and d) my TiFaux has apparently gone to the Great TiFaux Heaven in the Sky. Or the dump.

The good news is they are sending new one. The even better news is ABC very kindly shows Dancing With the Stars and The Bachelor (though I am still on the fence about continuing with that one) on its website. Woot! But, not until the next day, which is today, when I will be teaching people how to apply gold leaf to paper mache pots to make Mother’s Day gifts. So…long story not so short, I will be catching up on all things reality this evening, and will hopefully have Mondo MAC Mania tomorrow.

Until then, please keep the SHaQ Attack entries coming! (See Monday’s blog for details.) Everyone seems to be having fun with this one. And remember, you can enter whether you watch or not. A guess is as good as, well, a guess. So, go for it already!

Tags: Writing by Donna
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Amazing Race was actually interesting this week, with all four teams neck and neck through both tasks…as long as you sort of conveniently forgot there was a fifth team that hadn’t even made it to Malaysia yet. But, if you could manage to put that aside, the rest of it was suspenseful. Except, you know, you really couldn’t. You knew who was going home, and that was Uchenna & Joyce. While there are two other teams I would have been dee-lighted to send home first, this didn’t break my heart. They won it last time, and they raced very well this time, so they can leave with heads held high. Now, if we could just get Mirna/Charla and Danielle/Eric (who worked my last nerve with his constant “hooker” reference. Then the giggling over making Danielle do all the hard tasks. Misogynist much?) out of here and let my beloved Oswald/Danny and the BQ’s finish this off right, all would be well in my world.

Speaking of Oswald & Danny, they finally reach killer fatigue level and prove they are indeed mortal by bickering, but even then, they are even delightful and charming. Hugs to them both.

In other news, Phil? The red shirt? Just say no. I kept waiting for him to strike a Saturday Night Fever pose or something. (Which? Classic if he had.) However, much is forgiven for the eyebrow pop and devilish grin when announcing the BQ’s placement, and his obvious affection for Oswald and Danny.

Next week? Shocking, but true, there are teams who get miffed with Mirna and Charla. Heck, I don’t think Poland has forgiven them yet, so why should anyone else?

As promised, we have a new SHaQ Attack contest this week! Woot! This week we’re going to play “Who Is Going Home?” You’ll get three chances to get a right answer - and for every one you get right, you get another entry. Winner gets the book of his/her choice!

So…Tuesday, who will go home on Dancing With the Stars? You have until Tuesday 8pm EST to get your guess in. (And you don’t even have to watch the show to participate - you can just guess a name if you want.) Will it be: Clyde, Apolo, Joey, John, Heather, Leeza, Billy Ray, Ian, or Laila?

On Wednesday, who will go home on American Idol? Again, an 8pmEST voting deadline. Will it be: Sanjaya, Haley, Phil, Blake, Chris, Jordin, Melinda, or LaKisha?

On Thursday, who will go home from Survivor? 8pm, EST deadline. Will it be someone from the current Ravu Tribe (Mookie, Alex, Edgardo, Dreamz) or someone from NewMoto (Earl, Yau, Stephanie, Michelle, Cassandra, Boo.) I know they merge this week, but for the purposes of this game, pick a team above and if a person presently on it goes home, you’re in.

If for some reason no one gets any of them right, I will draw a name from all the entries. So, enter at will! Send your votes to donna@donnakauffman.com with “Who Will Go Home?” in the subject line.

Now for some fun news! In addition to the “Perfectly Plum“, the Stephanie Plum essay collection that I was fortunate to be invited to participate in (out this July!) I have found out that two of my previous titles are going to be re-released in the smaller mass market size, starting this summer. The Naked Truth anthology will be re-released late August from Berkley, and Dear Prince Charming will be out in early 2008 from Bantam/Ballantine. Yay! Check out the new cover art for The Naked Truth to your right!

Happy Monday everyone!

Tags: Writing by Donna
2 Comments »

So, two weeks, two people I wanted gone were booted. Maybe this isn’t such a bad season of Survivor after all!

Last week, Lisi was ridiculously foolish enough to tell Alex and Edgardo that she knew where the idol was, mistakenly thinking this would get them to keep her in the game. First of all, Lisi, your loyalty and easy vote already had you in their alliance, at least until it was the three of you, then buh bye. And, uh, once you told them where it was, you were already expendable. So….yeah, not getting the strategy there.

Apparently, Alex and Edgardo agreed with me, because they stupidly told Mookie. I know. Mookie. Why? Just because he’s a guy? No, Dreamz is a guy, they didn’t tell him. Because they’re afraid he’s flipping after the merge (the only intelligent thought of this entire episode.) They needed Mookie for numbers? I’m not sure. But, regardless, they start digging while Lisi and Dreamz are sleeping, so, yeah, Lis, clearly a great idea! And then, Mookie is the one that finds it. I know. Mookie. Way to go, Alex and Edgardo. So, while I think Lisi is looney toon central and have said so since the ant killing incident waaaaaaay back, I am starting to see the Lah-hoo-lah-zer thing. Of course, I include Lisi in that club, but my god, could these guys be any more inept?

Loved the Dance Dance Fiji Revolution challenge. Ha! And Ravu loses because they take nothing seriously after being in Fat N Happy Camp too long. Either that or Ravu Island is just cursed. I think it’s the former. NewMoto wins, which I love, but would have loved way more if I could have seen Yau dance!

Then NewMoto kicks more Ravu patootie in the immunity challenge, where Yau, once again, proves why he is an asset to his tribe by basically rocking the entire challenge. Loved how Probst gives him grief for being picky about his arrows, then he just nails it. Ha! Our Host is really starting to get more annoying in his repartee with the castaways. I’m sure he’s just real tired of doing this show, but then, you know, quit already. Leave the paycheck behind and let someone do this who isn’t kinda angry all the time. Like it’s the castaways fault you’re not home with your hot, former-castaway girlfriend and stuck on some bug infested island in Fiji.

So, Ravu goes to tribal, and before they head off, Lisi falls apart. Again. More psycho drama. And begs her tribe to send her home. Since they have the idol she so conveniently told them how to find, they don’t need her anyway, except for the easy alliance vote after the merge, and they kinda have Mookie for that now, so everyone said, Sure, go home. Easiest vote off ever. But then she overhears them talking about how this hasn’t exactly been a tough Survivor for them, seeing as how they lived in Fat N Happy Camp for most of their 20+ days and it’s only a 39 day stint, and she starts thinkng that maybe she’s being too wimpy and hasty, and tells them to keep her in and knock Dreamz out.

At tribal, Probst stirs the pot about Lisi’s wavering and Dreamz takes her on in a smack down of thank-you-for-finally-making-her-own-up-to-her-crazy proportions that was just great. And everyone sees that really, she can’t stay, and everyone sends her home. Ha! Buh bye, delusional one. I would have paid big money to be at her viewing party last night when she saw for the first time that they’d already found the idol and hadn’t told her, and had it that whole time she was being ridiculous. Ha!

Next week? Everyone is sent to Exile Island. Both tribes. Why? We don’t know. Is it good? Not judging from anyone’s expressions. Could be the most interesting merge ever! Can’t wait!

Tune in Monday for Amazing Race MAC and a new SHaQ Attack is coming next week, too! Plus, fun news.

Happy Hoppy Day everyone!

Tags: Writing by Donna
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Check in for special a Saturday Survivor MAC….and tune in Monday for a new round of SHaQ Attack!

I hope you all have a wonderful, safe, joyful holiday weekend.

Tags: Writing by Donna
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So, I was worried. Weren’t you worried? When Ryan said Teflon Phil was safe? I was. Because we need Gina at least until rock week, come on! But in the back of my mind, I was like “naaaah, finally has to be Haley.” Because if Sanjaya wasn’t bottom three, then it had to be someone, right? So, yeah, buh bye Haley. Except NO! Shock and awe! Gina goes home. Unexpected, folks. That one was unexpected. Not with the weekly Bottom Three Phil and Bottom Three Haley both there. And far more deserving of the boot. First time she lands there and she’s out? Wow.

So, that sucked. And what else sucked? Simon. Sorry, there is a line. You judge the night of singing. And I almost always agree with you. But could ya try and find a little kindness in your black soul when someone’s dream is about to be snuffed? Live. On national television. Seriously? Because, seriously. That was callous and unnecessary.

Next week? JLo and Latin music. Woot! I’m ready. Sorry you didn’t make it to Bon Jovi week, Gina. Should have, and then some. (And boy, what a brutal song THAT was to have to sing on boot night, eh?) She did it beautifully. Hugs.

To recover, I watched the penultimate episode of Top Design.

Aaaaaand, My Guy Mat lets me down, Andrea doesn’t understand joy, and Carissa might be a royal pain, but I have to admit I like her rooms. They are joyful. Playful. Fun. By contrast, the others look cold and stiff. Gorgeous, but cold and stiff. So, it’s a totally backwards result from what I wanted. Because, fun notwithstanding, I’d always thought I wanted Mat and Andrea as final two. Now? Not quite so sure. After the judges have their say, Mat wins? Now, I love him, but the room was unfinished. And minimal to the point of boring, despite the intriguing furniture placement. He deserves final two, but not that win. In the final hour, Carissa gets final two as well, and while from a personality standpoint, it’s kind of appalling, from a design standpoint, it’s deserved. (Especially as this week they show us just how difficult the supposedly beleaguered Carl really is. I think he has issues working for “the little woman.”) So sorry, Andrea! I love ya, but for the love of god, would it kill you to embrace color? (For excitement she went from gray….to brown. To “liven it up.” Yeah. Sigh.) I will say the finals will be more entertaining this way. And not as monochromatic. I’m all for that.

Tonight? Survivor. And you know what that means. More Yao!

Also…check out my guest blog today over on Brava Authors. (See link in right hand column.)

Tomorrow…more MAC and some fun news!

Tags: Writing by Donna
3 Comments »

…Our Bachelor Andy is ridiculously over-qualified on the Good Guy Scale. Wow, right? However, might I say, that after listening to this well spoken young man during his long opening montage, the show’s producers confirm my opinion of them by having our very first glimpse of his future possible brides-to-be as a bunch of shrieking and giggling bubbleheads, followed by what looks to be a drunken Oktoberfest beer crawl. Or circus audition. I wasn’t sure which. I am sure I was embarrassed for my gender. (I’m certain there were well mannered, well spoken, credits to the X-squared chromosome there, but surely they were being tastefully discreet off camera, and therefore, not coverage worthy to the producers.) We need women to produce, direct, and edit these shows. Honestly.

So, on with the Birthday Bash.

First impression rose definitely doesn’t favor the early girls…(example - that first girl? I liked her, and she still stands out in my mind) but what is up with them knowing about it in advance? So they’ll be “on” and not themselves? Great idea. Anyway…it was a very mixed bag so far, but every glimpse of the party later is horrifying. The girl who says “heinous”? Yeah, honey, and you’re such a peach. I know it’s a gazillion hours long, with no food and a whole lot of booze, but seriously? Seriously. Still embarrassed.

Chris talks about how ten have to go home. Oh, I’m easily half way there on the first batch alone. (And some of the dresses? Just wow. And not in a good way.) Lots of blondes. Lots of awkward. He seems so open and friendly, then they just sort of stammer after hello. Nothing really easy and right to my eyes yet. (And the first impression rose….yeah, that didn’t seem like a stunt at all, nah. Stephanie (which had about 8 syllables the way she said it) asks about it and he is just “oh yeah, this? You want it?” I didn’t get the connection thing at all. Maybe he just wanted it to be done and overwith.) He does seem to like the southern girls. And blondes. Wow, big shock, the girls inside were insanely catty. Rrreeorw! They were all “Wow, hi, yay for you!” Subtext: kill her, shoot her, poison her now!

So…Tessa? Very cute, and yay its Diana’s friend’s roomie!! but kinda wow with the joke thing a little. Still, he seemed to like it. And he’ll cetainly remember her. Possibly a good strategy!

Ah! The heinous one is Lindsay. Yeah, not liking her right from the start, which means he won’t see through all the overly cutesy “heyyy!” to the witchypoo “rrrrowr” and she’ll make it to the final 6 or something. But the chick in the mini skirt, which would have totally turned me off, won a few votes with the dorky save maneuver getting out the limo. Dang, a shame Kate is so shy, huh? Boy, let’s hope she comes out of her shell a LOT more. Preferably around Lindsay. A lot.

Sheesh, I remember now why I have a hard time listening to this show. Now, I love Chris. Funny, funny man. But the lines they give him to read? “Will their dreams of a man in uniform be crushed forever?” Because, apparently, if Andy spurns you, the entire military becomes off limits. Wow. Bigger stakes than I thought, then.

So, Andy is tiny bit geekier/dorkier than his initial montage footage, still cute! but dorkier. Still, it’s kind of endearing. Better a bit awkward than smooth operator guy, right? Aaaaaand, he enters the pit of lions, tigers, and bears. Oh my!

Okay, so the first rose chick? Lost me with her “oh yeah, it’s the first of many” speech. Humble goes a loooong way and would look ever so much better on you. And Lindsay? Step away from the alcohol. I can only hope she is absolutely dying right now as all her friends and family watch her make a complete ass out of herself. Yikes. But, you know, heyyyyyy.

And is it me, or is Our Bachelor Andy’s biological clock ticking perhaps louder than anyone elses? (He was a Sunday school teacher, too? Seriously?) Aaaaaand he just totally won jock me over with his “that is SO hot” in reaction to the scars on Bevin’s legs. Ha! (And yes, I totally know she does the back handspring later from the promos and I already am cringing for her. I want to shout Stop! You’re already in! Don’t do stupid things! But I know it’s to no avail. Sigh.)

Linda? Wow. Yes, go home. Now. And Tina? Awwww. You’re pretty and your dress is fine. Hug. Aaaaand then she SINGS??? The Star Freaking Spangled Banner??? I totally take back the hug, Tina. Come ON!! What is UP with this show? Did they tell the girls “Listen, do stupid stunts. He LOVES that stuff!” It’s insane. This is totally insane. One hour in and it’s already a full blown train wreck in motion. Wow.

Lindsay…still, well, you know, heinous is the word that comes to mind. Stephanie? No words. Intense dislike. Tessa? Major redemption with the Inca Trail story. Awwww. Yay Mom & Bruce! But another awww to poor, poor, drunken Blakeney. Wow, her family? So proud right now. (Of course, mom did name her Blakeney, so perhaps the tipsy runs in the family? Just sayin.)

I’m not even gonna comment on the tequila cake. Oh Linda. Honey. You have these big, beautiful eyes and smile. Back far far away from the eyeliner, k? You’re on a mascara strike, too. So unnecessary. And then? She challenges him to push ups? Because, yeah, most jock guys like women who can get muddy. But probably not best them in a push up contest…in front of other women. That was just freaky. And so unappealing. You definitely made an impression, but I’m thinkin it’s not gonna have the desired result. Aaaaaand, the bar crawl is in full swing. And back flip. Yikes. And they brought that sad ass cake out? I am beyond, just totally beyond words. Night One. No Words.

Andy is buzzing, saying he’s already just feelin it. I can only hope and pray that those moments that inspired such excitement were ones they chose not to show us. (And do we all note that every time he mentions wife, it’s an automatic & children? Tick. Tick. Tick.)

Aaand, the roses go to birthday sharing Pey-ton, scarfoot Bevin, mini skirt Kate, Alexis (yay- first out of the limo girl, AWOL since then, which? Probably a good thing), Danielle w/ the foundation past boyfriend, Amber (also mostly AWOL, wtg Amber!), can ‘t help but notice the preponderance of blondes…and the two brunettes so far? Almost no screen time. Just sayin> Tiffany (??), Yay, Inca Trail Tessa, Our Tessa, gets a rose! Wooo hooo! (and she gets a mmmmmm sound w/ her hug. Mmmm), Nicole (who I officially have to love just a little, despite her total drunken stupor of a night, because she, too, thought it was a mistake. Ha! Tequila Cakes? Good, as it turns out), Beige-y Blonde Susan we know so little, Amanda, who had a story, but I’ve forgotten it now, platinum blonde AWOL Erin, Star Spangled Tina (really?? I think he’s a softie who feels for the dorky ones a bit), and back flip Stephanie. (HA! Lindsay. What-ever.) At least drill sgt Linda didn’t make it. (Aaaand, to the surprise of absolutely no one, Lindsay HAS to make the Big Exit, because, girlfren, you know it’s ALLL about her. Sigh. Thank goodness that show was abruptly cancelled.)

So, a whole lot of advance peeks at the rest of the season. Lots of blonde hair, folks. Like that narrows it right down. I could play TiFauxSpy and try and figure out which ones make it far, but I’m just not sufficiently motivated by this crop to do so. I’ll have to go find a spoiler board somewhere and see if this ishow s worth investing in. First Rose (Psycho) Stephanie appears to go far enough to make this a Big If for me. Ugh.

What’s your verdict, Blog Babes? (OMG…credits outtakes…the rap? Kill me now.)

Aaaand, on American Idol, it’s Tony Bennett mentor week for the final 9. This, unfortunately, will be abbreviated (hey, blame LINDSAY who would not shut up) so, a quick recap…Blake gets Mack the Knife (woot! Great match) and does a very smooth stylized version, I liked the sound and the arrangement was great, but not sure he captured the spirit of the story, judges liked it , Simon agreed the band helped out. Phil gets Night & Day and doesnt listen to Tony. It….didn’t rivet me. Judges weren’t riveted either. Sorry, Phil. Nice save with the wife comment tho. MindyDoo gets Ive Got Rhythm. Tony loves her. I love her. Judges do too! Great, stage commanding performance. Take note, Phil. That? Was great. Simon is frustrated by the absolute lack of ever being able to find something to critique in her performance. Aww.

Chris gets Mr. Saturday and fun opening. Good performance. And he brings the cuteness. Judges thought it was his best. Agreed. He should stay after that. Jordin gets On a Clear Day and Tony likes her style changes. Very nice performance. These classic songs really suit this bunch. Judges love her and agreed, agreed, agreed. Gina gets Just Smile and we really see why Tony is the genius he is. The man never just sings a song. Ever. He finds personal meaning each and every song, each and every time. We need more Tony’s. Gina does a lovely job with this. Judges were a mixed bag with Simon finally having to be mean to someone and Gina was the unfortunate victim. Jordin and MindyDoo have huges voices, so yeah, but Gina just did a lovely job. Lovely. Disagree with Simon. For a change.

Sanjaya meet Tony, Tony, Sanjaya. Tony says he’s a huge fan and champions him, which, considering he’s a kid taking an enormous pile of doo, is kinda nice to hear. No matter what you think of him. He gets Dancing Cheek to Cheek and gives it his soft voice charming best, flirting with the audience and Paula. Still not my fave guy, but I do have to give him enormous credit for withstanding a barrage of stuff that no one really deserves. He’s running with it and making what he can of it, which is more than most kids could pull off. , out of the situation he’s found himself in. And yes, he should still go home this week. Sorry, S. Judges were kind. Kind of. Haley and Haley’s legs are up, and get Ain’ Misbehavin. She works the dress and the legs, which, really, it’s good strategy for her. She does her very best with it, and she has a lovely voice, but it’s not a memorable or distinctive voice and that’s her problem, despite the MindyDoo’s and LaKiki’s in the competition with her. Not a bottom three performance in other seasons, but with this crowd? It is tonight. Except there is NO way she’s going. She’s the Sexy One. Guys everywhere are dialing everything they have. Judges…don’t really matter at this point. Last up is Miz LaKiki and she gets Stormy Weather which, perfect match. Great open and close tonight. Strong performances all around really. Best over all week yet.

Bottom three - Phil, Haley, and,Sanjaya. I think this might be Phil’s week. And, if S can’t go, it should be him anyway.

Who is your pick?

And last but not least…. who goes home on Dancing With the Stars. First, Joey and Kym get the encore? Really? Hunh. There is singing and dancing,(omg Maks and that paso doble dip? Be still my heart. He always dances the best with Karina. Fire meets fire….and I don’t think I’ve ever seen Tony look so wonderful as he did dancing with Julianne. There is something Tinkerbell special about that girl.) But Our Bachelor Andy took up tonight’s recap time, so we move ahead to the bottom two couples and they are Shandi/Brian and Leeza/Tony. Now, that was surprising, only because she was tied for first with the judges and Clyde was bottom last, so I thought it would be him (and should be.) But Clyde, Leeza and Shandi were my bottom picks, so it looks like everyone out there is of the same mind. Heartening, that. Shandi/Brian go home this week. Ah well, they were all of our pick, so no surprise, but always sad to see another couple go. I believe, unless miracles happen, it will be Leeza/Clyde one way or the other the next two weeks. Then things will get interesting!

Who is your pick to go home next?? Next week - Paso Doble and Waltz. Hmmm, which couple should get which dance?

Happy Hump Day everyone!

PS - SHaQ Attack is taking a spring break along with my kids this week, but will return next week!

Tags: Writing by Donna
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Welcome to the Morning After Commentary Cafe….grab your frothe-a-latte and join in the fun!

On Dancing With the Stars….this just in: Samantha? Looks pretty normal this evening. Now if they’d just take the mic away from her and not let her near the backstage area, we could all just enjoy her more.

Hi Tom! Hi 10 remaining stars! Hi Maks! (What? There are other instructors?)

Tonight it’s the Tango and Jive!

Everyone descends the Stairway of First Impressions….Ian & Cheryl (who has a very fringy boob), Karina & Billy Ray Capone, Leeza My Fair Lady Gibbons & Tony, Barbarella & Joey (I swear she’s going to put someone’s eye out with those things. I’m sure Joey hopes it’s him), Maks Bond & a very elegant Laila, a suprisingly fairly clad Edyta & John Corleone Ratzenberger, Brian & Let’s Shag! Shandi, Elena & Clyde (what is he wearing? Way too much black on black on black), Jonathan & Gidget Mills, and Apolo & Julianne Witherspoon.

Hi Judges…let’s get dancing!

Shandi & Brian are up first, they get the jive, and she’s trying, really she is. You know, I think she’s a bit too mechanical, but I can’t help but wonder if their lack of votes is because of Brian. He out performs her in a way that diminishes rather than builds their partnership. Plus he’s just one giant (well, euphemistically) exclamation point. I don’t see them lasting long, but they weren’t horrible or anything, just not particularly memorable. Scores - 7,7,7 = 21 Very fair.

Edyta & John go next with the tango. (What is she wearing? As props go, that one kinda flopped.) Oh, and it turns out she’s not all that clothed. Shocking, I know. It was good, and they even had decent tango music, but I think the reason this one wasn’t as charming was it was a bit too obvious that Edyta was leading. And the thing is, I don’t really think John needs leading all that much. I guess she was worried or nervous. But, again, servicable, but I didn’t find myself grinning through it as I have his past performances. Lacked the charm. Okay, until the end when he dragged her still prone body over to the judges table. That? I loved. Big cheers from the audience and from me. Scores? 7, 6, 7

Clyde & Elena get the jive and an absolutely adorable segment with Clyde’s mother who can zydeco her little fanny off with the best of them. I say put Mrs. Clyde’s Mother on the show!! So….then they dance to Creedence Clearwater Revival? Oookay. And this is tough on Clyde, who has fast feet ability from his NBA years, but it’s not translating too well here with the jive, but he’s certainly giving it his all, and she’s very cute and bouncy (up until the dress peel - what was she wearing after that? Odd looking garment and not much of it!) Still, a bottom three team again for me this week. Scores - 6, 5, 5 = 16 And ouchie, but ya know, in contrast to the competition, fair. But now you can see why I thought Shandi’s was more than fair.

Yay! Maks & Laila get the tango. Mmmm. Tango Maks. Lucky us. Hectic travel week and we even get Maks’ baby bro Valentin… Mini Maks! Laila is starting to feel the pressure and the dynamic between the two, while it appears a bit volatile, I think works well for one another. I don’t know who else could handle these two, so best they are together. They’ll either win or die trying. Or kill each other. HA! I KNEW it. They get Bond music. Am I good or what? Maks is even better and Laila looks all kinds of fantastic in hair and dress. This? Is going to be good. Shaken and stirred. She really has the right ‘tude for this dance, and so does he. (And did you see that little pat on her lower back? Hmmm…..) Definitely easier for the pro to be the guy in this dance, but they looked really good and she held up really well. Dare I say it was hottt? (Okay, I didn’t like so much when it was over and she strolled over to the judges without even so much as looking at Maks, much less waiting for him. Hunh. Not good. Lost a bit of love there. No one puts Maks in the corner.) Judges give them grief for breaking the rules by breaking hold in the tango and no one lets Maks rebut, which, you know, I’d have enjoyed. Scores? 7,7,7 = 21 Clearly unfair in terms of how well they did, but punishment for rule breaking. Ah well. Not sure why they did it, because Maks had to know. Maybe they just couldn’t fit the whole dance into her tight schedule, so they eased it a bit. A shame, because it was good.

Julianne & Apolo (squee!! don’t break any rules!) get the jive. Can’t wait. He’s training for the Olympics while also doing this, and I have NO idea how, but props to him. (Okay, how adorable are these two together? Is it me or is there chemistry screaming, but in a total cuteness kinda way? Ha!) And I finally get the outfits - it’s Pulp Fiction! Love it. Great opening - her choreo is so fresh and fun. I just love it. (Cheryl? Watch out! There’s a new kid in town and she’s gunning!) They are just SO great to watch. Fun, entertaining, charisma out the wazoo and just riveting. WAY best of the night. I can’t imagine anyone, even Cheryl & Ian, topping that one. He had an absolute blast out there and it showed. I think he was ready to do it all over again the second it was over. Judges - Carrie Ann? Shut up. Man, she is really being a harsh buzz killer tonight. A bit too much so - it’s ENTERTAINMENT, CA. Lighten up already. Bruno - said he’s so much fun he should be a ride at Disneyland. I’d buy tickets. Len - cranky’s it up about god forbid they have a cute opening (didn’t say anything about John & Edyta’s tho) but lked it well enough. Who pissed in their collective Wheaties tonight anyway? I’m going to go back to just giving scores and ignoring them. Scores - 7, 8, 8 = 23 Which was a point or two shy for me. But enough for the lead. For now.

Kym & Joey are up and it’s a Star Wars theme for them, so R2D2 stops by. I totally don’t get any of how that meshes with the tango, but here we go. Very over the top Star Wars theme music complete with laser sound effects for a tango. I think it overshadows the dance in a huge way, which is very well done, but my god that music was loud. Scores? 8, 8, 8 = 24 so they edge out Apolo/Julianne, which, okay, they were technically good. But the other two were way more fun to watch.

And, have I mentioned how much I love Tom?? Love. Him.

Cheryl & Ian get the jive and Ian gets schooled by some Chippendale’s dancers (and didn’t look too shabby up there body wise…but yeah, he really needs to loosen up those hips.) Here we go… they get Elvis and a leaping off the stage Ian. It’s a very tightly choreographed routine, which we’ve come to expect from her and she definitely doesn’t let us down. Ian really throws it out there and he is looser than he has been, which is partly due to Cheryl choreo-ing to his strengths, and to hers, as she has with past partners. This is very good, and very well done. (They need new cameramen tho.) Still, I have to say, Apolo/Julianne for pure entertainment/character value was hands down better than this one. I think it’s just their amazing charisma that sells them so well, because technique wise this and Joey’s were better. But not the ones I’d rewatch. Wow, the judges are really pissing me off. Scores? 8, 8, 8 = 24

Leeza & Tony - okay, I know Leeza is a nice person and tries to be very motivating to others, but, maybe it’s me. Sigh. She’s just coming off a wee sanctimonious/preachy/self-indulgent to me now. I can see why the audience isn’t warming up to her. She’s just got this sort of barrier around her, and what isn’t there in a uber-control-freak kinda way, is there in attitude. Leeza, really, I fear it’s your turn. (America? Please don’t Sanjaya Leeza! I beg you.) They get the tango and no suprises. Her dress/hat/hair is hideous (not her fault) and the dance is stiff and soooo slow, even for a tango. (Her fault.) FF past the judges because it’s really late and I don’t need to be pissed off anymore than I already am. Scores? 8, 8, 8 = 24. I can’t even respond to that. Just. No.

Rrrrrrr.

Heather & Jonathan have the jive, which should be quite the challenge. But then I thought that about the mambo. Still, the mechanics of her body simply do not, uh, jive, with the jive and there really isn’t any overcoming that part, so I have NO idea what they’re going to do, but I find myself already rooting for her. So, wow, she goes and gets a bouncy artificial limb (this is where having a ton of money comes in real handy) but, you know, cool! Science is neat! So, they do go for it, and they distract with some fancy tricks, but she does try and there is a little jive in there, and I say, well done for getting out there and going for it. I’m plugging my ears during the judging portion. Scores? 8, 8, 8 = 24 well earned. Quite fair.

Billy Ray & Elena finish out the evening with a tango. He’s a cutie, Elena is totally likable this season (Poland would even like her this year) and they get to Rock the Casbah. He looked the part, but there was a lot of bear in swamp in this, yet still, he’s way better than I thought he was capable of, and they’re fun to watch. Though arguably the worst in terms of technique this week, I don’t think he’s going home and I wouldn’t send him this week. Clyde, Leeza, and Shandi would go first, in terms of entertainment for me. Scores? 7, 7, 7 = 21 which was very kind, but made me happy.

Standings:

Ian & Cheryl = 24
Joey & Kym = 24
Heather & Jonathan = 24
Leeza & Tony = 24
Julianne & Apolo = 23
Karina & Billy Ray = 21
Shandi & Brian = 21
Maks & Laila = 21
Edyta & John = 20
Clyde & Elena = 16

I agree with last place, but that’s about it. For me, top four are Apolo, Laila, Joey, Ian. Middle three - Billy Ray, John , Heather. Bottom three - Shandi, Leeza, Clyde. I’d send Clyde ths week, but I have no idea who will actually go. Probably Shandi I’m thinking.

What do you think??

So, as you can see the time stamp above, this little author needs to get her beauty sleep. (I’ll be back next week. Kidding!) Bachelor Recap will have to wait. Idol tonight! Results show tonight! Too Much Reality….Not Enough Time!! Where are the elves when you need them?? (I think I’m channeling Tom.)

Happy Tuesday everyone!

Tags: Writing by Donna
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I am going to that special hell, because, indeed, I laughed. I felt horrible, mind you, and I swear I didn’t the second time, but the first time? A little snort might have escaped before I could, you know, stop it. Poor, poor Charla. Why on EARTH did Mirna (who, remember, does every little thing, except, you know, any actual physical work) let Charla do that suit of armor Road Block? It was pretty cool that they created a suit of armor for her, and I was so incredibly impressed that she did it (and didn’t get her whole body kicked to smithereens by that horse - talk about dangerous!!) but, tis true, when she tipped over that first time, right before I gasped in fear for her, my son and I might have issued a small sound of amusement. Damn you, Amazing Race producers!

(Second laugh of the night? “Ladies and Gentleman, I give you Miss California!” as Dustin loses her kielbasa. That was pretty funny. Even she cracked up. I am enjoying my Beauty Queens this season.)

But, mostly, it was two hours completely wasted as nothing really changed from beginning to end. The Guidos were sent packing, Eric and Danielle realllllllly need to get off my television screen, Mirna and Charla right with them. Joyce and Uchenna were more likable. The BQ’s rocked, as usual. And I want Danny and Oswald to be my best friends forever. My love for them only grows.

I feel as if the two legs last night, along with the one from last week, were just incredibly poorly planned and it’s really diminishing my enjoyment of this season. (Although I would like to thank the entire country of Poland for being smart enough to give Mirna the cold shoulder.) The use of the intersection and fast forward in tandem last night wasn’t particularly well placed, despite the fact that I loved that it helped Danny and Ozzie increase their lead over the back of the pack teams.

So, now we’re down to five teams, two of which I want to go home, one of which I’m ambivalent about, but who won last time, and so therefore I don’t want winning, and two teams I’d be happy to see win. In fact, I’d love to see the rest of the race just run between the BQ’s and the Cha Cha Chas. That would be super. I truly hope they are final two, at the very least.

Who do you want to win??

Tonight is Dancing With the Stars, woo hoo!, and, yes, I’m going to watch Bachelor. I’ve skipped the past two after being an early undying fan of the show (hey, I’m a romance writer, what did you expect?) but it seemed like the producers were more interested in filiming Cathouse Fights! than a romance reality show, so I bailed. Besides, the Bachelorette versions always did so much better in terms of good matchmaking, and I’d MUCH rather watch 25 guys vye for a woman’s heart than 25 catty girls vye for a guys attention — because the fantasy of having a room full of men wanting little ol me is way more interesting (not to mention fun!) than the fantasy of fighting, scratching, and clawing my way through 24 other women to get to a guy who is paying attention to a whole lot of other women besides me (why don’t the producers understand their audience??? I totally don’t get that) but….well….then I saw this season’s cutie patootie interviewed and totally got suckered back in. I know, I’m so easy like that. Shhhh. Anyway - who was it who has a friend of a friend who is on the show??? You’ll have to tell us which girl it is so we can share her journey. Hope she makes it past tonight’s big cut at least!

Happy Monday, Happy Spring Break everyone!

Tags: Writing by Donna
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