First it’s American Idol! Hello Ryan! Hello Mrs. Tom Hanks!

We’re down to our Top Five. And it’s Neil Diamond week. PLEASE tell me it’s going to be better than the last two weeks. I’d say it almost has to be, but I’m afraid I’ll jinx it.

Woo hoo - each contestant sings two songs tonight. And it’s only an hour show, so they’re gonna have to zoom. Bring it on, I say!

So, Neil is very fatherly and wise and has a great outlook on having his songs interpreted by other singers. Let’s hope he still feels that way when the hour is over.

A slighty different set up tonight. Each singer won’t be judged until after they’ve sung their second song. Which is the only way they’ll get this done, and I’m fine with that.

Castro is up first. He’s taking Forever In Blue Jeans (a perfect song for him) as is September Morn. Yay, popular music! Things I know! Things I love! Don’t screw it up! Blue Jeans is first. He’s playing guitar - yay! I love the key he’s singing in. Perfect for his voice. I’m really enjoying this from him. Yes, after the past few weeks, it probably wouldn’t have taken much, but,for me, it’s really great for him. I’m a happy viewer, woodland creature!

Second is Our Cook! Woot! And yeah….he chooses I Am Alive and All I Really Need Is You. Right now I am reminding myself that he also sang Hello, a song I loathe, and made me love. Make me love again, David! Make me love! Because, uphill climb at the moment, my friend. So, no one will have heard this, but you can tell it’s a Diamond song, even all Cooked up. Not my favorite, but at least it’s not a ballad. Nice to hear him rock after the past weeks. He does a good job.

Now we’re forced to listen to Brooke. Sorry, but she actually instills anti-anticipation in me. Near dread, would be a closer descriptor. And…it’s Kill Me Now time (shock!) - she’s taking I’m A Believer, and folksing it up with the guitar. Have mercy on me. SEND HER HOME AMERICA! Because? Smashmouth? Can do this song. Neil? Can do this song. The Monkees? Can even do this song. Brooke? Wrong on a galactic scale of No. Her second song? In case you haven’t gouged out your eyes and ears yet? I Am, I Said. On piano. I…might have to fast forward. A tiny bit. Okay, a lot. Because I don’t get paid for this. And I need paid….a lot of paid, to subject myself to this without being under threat of imminent death. I love these two songs. Why? Why her? I must have killed puppies in a former life. Lots of puppies… I made it through about 16 bars of Song 1. Weak, y’all. Does not inspire and it’s way too low a key for her. (The backup bass guitar? Him, I loved.) Last note was the best. Mostly because that meant it was mercifully over.

Did I mention I’m not a Brooke fan?

So….so far, Neil has been only kind and generous and loving. Because he wants to get into heaven. It’s the only thing I can figure. Well, that and his new album drops next Tuesday.

It’s Archie’s turn! I think he’ll do okay with this! I’m trying to be enthusiastic! Then I find out he’s doing Sweet Caroline and America! Shoot me now! Actually, he’ll sing them well. I think America will work for his Broadway-Give to the Needy Always, Even On Stage vibe. But Sweet Caroline? Why didn’t I think this through more? I mean, I guess Cook and Castro would have had to sing them all for me to be truly okay, but wow, I hate songs I love sung by people I don’t. So it seems. And then? And then? He switches up Sweet Caroline like he thinks he’s Cook or something and wow, it’s too chopped down to fit the two minute time frame to be pulled off like that. It’s waaaay too Up With America Sings Neil Diamond! for me. Not on today’s radio. Or tomorrow’s. And yet, the young girls squeal. Save your breath, he’ll never be going home with you. Just sayin.

So…better songs. But same performers.

I’m…..where is Chikezie!?! And Johns!?! Hell, Amanda Overmeyer for god’s sake, and I didn’t even like her. This is SO generic from everyone except Castro and Cook. They can all sing, but they don’t jump up and command your attention. I feel zero need to download when I listen to Brooke or Archie. Syesha allllmost had me with One Rock N Roll last week, but I didn’t cave to the studio version when it wasn’t any longer than the stage performance. And that’s as close as I’ve come to widening my download boundaries. And we’re down to five. FIVE.

Sigh.

Okay, so, yeah, Syesha pulls the pimp spot. Hell, I’m actually PRAYING for another One Rock N Roll week from her, just to restart the party. If she can’t? I say we open the show with Castro, end with Cook, every week until they’re the only ones left. She chose Hello, Again and Thank the Lord For the Nighttime. And hey, finally, good choices! (This is how desperate I am. I’m rooting for Syesha to entertain me.) She does a very Andy Williams Show version of Hello with the requisite screamy part in the middle. Seriously, she’ll have a great career on Broadway. AI? Top 40 radio? Not so much. Nice smile, though.

Mostly, I’m just thankful that NO ONE chose You Don’t Bring Me Flowers. (Though, you know? I’d have probably downloaded Cook’s version. Which is saying A LOT.)

Judges quick impressions on Round One? Randy - Jason, meh; Cook, strong; Brooke, Karaoke; Archie, da bomb; Syesha, strong. Paula - Jason, loved lower register….and then she critiques his second song? Um….what show is she on? Isn’t this live? What the… She’s all “he only sang once?” Simon leaps in to save her and asks her, several times, who her favorite is, desperately trying to get her on some semblance of not a train wreck (tooo late!) She tries to salvage, they kick to Simon. He says they’re lucky to have two songs. Rapidly, Jason - forgettable, Cook - just above average, Brooke - nightmare, Archie - amatuerish, Syesha - old fashioned. Generally agreed with Randy except for Archie, and Simon except for Jason. He’s not being overly harsh here, but he’s being very forecful, partly due to time constraints, but I still think he’s trying to move the bullseye to himself. (Who knew there was a heart of gold…plate, under there? Aww.)

You know what excites me? No, not that there are more commercials jam packed into this jam packed show than actual show, no, not that. But the commerical for So You Think You Can Dance excites me. Even a commercial filled with clips from last season are more entertaining than Top 5 Idol this year. Sad, really.

Okay, so you know how we all tease Paula for being loopy and generally under heavy pharmaceutical care? Well, tonight? WOW. Seriously. Watch her when they kick it back to RyRy after the commerciallllllllllllls and she’s all trying to just prop her elbow on the table. Reality programming at its finest right there, y’all. Scary and amusing, all at the same time.

Right, Round Two.

Jason with September Morn. Stool sitting, singing…and I like him this week. Call me nutty, but it works for me, folks. As does his lovely face and smile. At least he’s original sounding. Judges don’t appreciate his “sound” but it’s not traditional, have no idea where he’d land in today’s music scene and he’s not Broadway material, either, so I get the reaction. I just happen to really like him. SO there. Neener neener. Judges? Randy - just okay. Paula says he’s too safe. Simon says he doesn’t recognize him. I DO! I mean, I get that it’s not as original as Hallelujah and he can stretch more, but I like his “sound” anyway.

Cook with All I Need Is You. With folk guitar. For me, kind of boring. One unknown song is okay, but both? And when it’s kind of a rambler? I’m waiting for it to kick in, but it’s taking waay too long. And when it does, it’s kind of shouty, which, admittedly is very Diamond, but it’s not the good kind of Cook shouty that I otherwise like. Nice falsetto moment, though. He can sing, and he does a nice job, but I think it’s not the song choice for him. Just sayin. Judges - Randy says he rocked it. Paula is proud (and toasted.) Simon says first song okay, second song brilliant. Ooookay. He says David made the song feel contemporary, which is what he wants Jason to do. And…I actually get that. And agree. It was contemporary and he made it his own, it was just a kinda boring song for me. But props for not going the Top 40 Song Choice route. More or less.

Brooke hits us with I Am, I Said. On piano. And, I’ll give her props in that the gravelly kind of vibrato she starts with is distinct and works for this song. Otherwise, I’m still not a Brooke fan. Carole King -yes. Carly Simon - yes. But Brooke doesn’t have the richness of tone to make up for the thinness of voice. But still a vast improvement on song one. Judges - Randy says nice job. Paula strings words together. Simon Says this is the Brooke we like.

Archie does America. Archie rockin in out. In his striped Gilligan shirt and sneakers. I know. But he does a really great Star Search job with it. Impressive as all hell when you’re still ten years old. But now I don’t know what to do with that big voice singing halftime songs. Judges - Randy says he’s in the zone (there’s a shock) Paula thinks it was perfect song choice, Simon says it was a smart choice of song, check, check, check. Correctomundo there. Very Kristy Lee sings Patriotic.

Syesha gets on with her gospelly bad self on I Thank The Lord. Okay, I don’t know how down she got with it, but it was an upbeat way to end the show. And right now, that’s alright with me. F-U-N. We need more of that. Judges - Randy says she’s finding herself. Paula attempts coherence in a rather coherent way. Golf clap. Simon says it’s the strangest show ever. He thinks it’s all over the place. Simon says it was actressy-singery. Right enough, but he also says she’s in trouble tonight, and, honestly, I’d like that honor to go to Brooke at the moment. I think Syesha is at least distinct, if not memorable. Brooke is just someone I’d like the pleasure of being allowed to forget. Sor-ry! as Simon would say. But Sy would be next anyway, so 6-to-1.

Whaddya think? I enjoyed my little woodland creature and Cook did his thing. Brooke can go. Archie isn’t going anywhere, so I save my breath. And Syesha deserves one last week. What say the Blog Babes? Dish Time!

Next….Who goes home on Dancing? Well, first, let’s update on Christian’s injury. Yeah, he seemed in too much pain for me last night for it to be even a severe cramp. Cheryl said it looked dislocated to her, which would be in keeping with how kind of white-faced he was (for a really tan guy, but you know what I mean.) Nice to see the other dancer’s concern. He is on the floor tonight, but they’re dragging this out forever…and the emergency room prognosis was?

Yeah, hurry up and wait on that. So…Def Leppard on a ballroom show. Seeing them standing backstage. Surreal? Just me?

Encore goes to Jason/Edyta, thankfully for the quickstep and not the NFL…thing. Great dance, this one. Great choreo. Dirty Boogie indeed.

Len announces that they’re all done fighting it and wanting to begin the joining part, so, as of next week, the couples can incorporate an optional lift in each routine. Yay, progress!

Now, finally elimination, but no word on the elbow, although they just panned past Christian and Cheryl and he was gesturing with that arm, so maybe…..I dunno. It looked pretty bad last night, y’all.

Okay, who’s not going home? Kristi/Mark.

Dance Center, next! Still rockers in the back hall, but this time with leather clad pro dancers. My interest increases…. Hi Kenny! Hi Jerry! Hi Len! I love these segments!

Now Def begs us to Pour Some Sugar On Me, and I’m left realllllly wanting a Maks encore. And another cigarette. And? Still never smoked, so this is disturbing. Lots and lots of pyrotechnics, none of which keeps us from noticing they are totally lip synching to the original, which….odd. All original members, so yay! Still love the one armed drummer. And yet….. But hot dancers make me totally not care about why, why they’re on the show (because when I thinlk ballroom, I think 80’s hair band. Next week? Whitesnake reunion!) and I love them, love their music, just….odd. So I resume watching the leather clad, and care not. (Was it just me, or did the dancers look off their beat? Especially Anna. Since they lip synched to the original, it’s not like they switched up the speed or this. So..also odd.)

Next week is their 100th Episode Celebration! Woo hoo!! Everyone is going to be there…especially me!

Also moving on? Mario/Karina. Yay! Deserved.

Wow, Sam goes all rock fangirl Amanda Overmeyer in her intro to the second Def Leppard, who actually sing this time. And they still have the chops, so no excuse on the lip synching, dude! I already had Leppard in my iPod before tonight, but I like this tune. Wow, what is all kinds of wrong about the fact that I’m going to download more music from Dancing than Idol? Seriously. And I want to know their smooth skin secrets. All of them have skin like a baby’s bottom. (Stop with the drum cam - it looks bizarre!)

Then some sinewy latin lover dancer guy comes out and his partner, ouch, has had a really unfortunate run in with a rooster it appears. Can that be surgically removed? I think Christian is not the only one in need of medical intervention here. I can’t bear to watch! It’s inhuman. So, I type, and listen, and sigh in fond remembrance of Def, out door concerts, and heavy downpours. Meriwether Post. You had to experience it. Good times.

Song ends, crowd stands, crowd cheers. Not for the dancers, methinks. The lead singer seems confused. Clapping for us? The dancers? Should I be clapping? More good times.

Four couples left…who stays? Who goes? And why does Marissa suddenly look like someone’s Italian grandmother? We’ll find out..after commercial break. We’re back, and time for a one-on-one with Christian, whose arm is in a brace under his shirt, which explains why he could lift it around earlier. So, here’s the deal. He thought he couldn’t go on last night, then this morning he thought he could, then the results of his MRI came back right before result show time and yeah, eww, he ruptured a tendon in his bicep. Yowch. So he needs surgery to repair and I’m no expert, but I’m thinking that’s that. Which….no. NO? Seriously? He says the surgeon can delay the surgery, and if they are voted to stay on, he wants to continue. HOW?!? I don’t care what brace you’re wearing, you can’t bear weight, swing someone around, catch them, etc etc etc. I mean, that’s dangerous to him and Cheryl. I give total props for not wanting to quit, but that’s crazy talk right there. (As is his “deaf woman” comparitive comment. Yikes.)

But we continue on with the elimination… Aaaand? Christian/Cheryl are safe. She’s SO thrilled. Me? Scared to death if I’m her.

Bottom two? Marissa/Tony. Awwww! Boo hiss! Jason/Edyta safe, which clearly overjoys her. Which leaves Shannon/Derek as the other bottom two couple. Overall, not a surprise. I wish now it was Christian, only to save us all from watching Dancing With the Stars: Fear Factor. But, beyond them being there, it should be these two couples. I guess. Still, I’m hoping it’s Shannon. Sorry, Derek!

And yep, sans injury, America does get it right this week. Shannon is out. I am okay with this. You?

Dish time!

Tags: Writing by Donna
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Dancing With the Stars…three weeks until the finale, folks. We’re down to six couples. Tonight they dance two, count em, two dances. One ballroom, one latin. And it’s alll? LIIIIIIIVE!

Ballroom round:

Tony/Marissa are out first, and while it’s still relative, her hair and dress are more subdued and not as garishly distracting as before. They tackle the tango and do a pretty good job of it. She really has just let down any and all guards and is going for it, which I think is what the crowd reacts to with her. Nicely done. They get a 27.

Cheryl/Christian get the foxtrot and I’m all distracted by whether Cheryl’s dress is the I Dream of Jeannie pant cut, or just oddly paneled in the front. Yeah. Oddly paneled. Very distracting. In the intro clips we meet Christian’s very adorable daughter, but the moments on film between them seem really posed, as if they had to do a million takes to get it right. A shame. He could use the boost. They looked….nice on the floor. Not spectacular, eye-riveting, but nice. They get a 25.

Mark/Kristi have a really nice ensemble, with Mark in dress whites and Kristi in a very flattering Edyta-style white flowy cutaway thing. (That would be the technical term.) They do a lovely waltz using an umbrella as a prop, and though Uncle Lenny wasn’t all that about the prop, and Kristi kind of overspun some of her turns (weren’t you realllllly glad Mark got there in time for her calculated fall out of those turns? Whew!) But they were lovely as always. Mark? Just a note, but tone down the facial expressions a notch or six. Or ten. Animated bordering on comic book. They get their lowest score - at 26. They’ll live.

Karina/Mario tackle the fox trot and you know, I think that while Lenny is right and he’s not the most elegant dancer, they really went for it. I liked the costuming and the music and I think he did the best with what he had. Judges agreed and gave them a 24, which was the lowest this round, but still the right number here.

Derek/Shannon apologize again….and again, then go out and do a pretty fierce tango. I honestly thought it was her best performance yet, given her awkward giraffe-legginess. I think Derek really got a break-through performance out of her this week. Judges were very, very kind with her. They get 26.

Last in this group is Edyta/Jason and usually these two are just missing something for me, but tonight? Wowza squared. They had the quick step which is never my favorite dance and he nailed it, y’all. He totally went for this and it showed. Fun, fast, flirty, great music, stunning costumes (I know!) and a whole lot of fun out there. I watched it twice. So far, easily the dance of the night. With Kristi and Mark flailing a bit so far, this really puts him in the running. They get a 29. (Which puts him in first and Kristi? In fourth! Wow.)

On to Latin Round!

Marissa/Tony get the rumba, which, a few weeks ago would have, I think, been rather painful to watch, given the overt slow and sexy nature of it. But Tony has really pulled her out of her shell, and she definitely goes for this. It’s next to impossible to look all sinewy and sexy when you’re short and have a fireplug shape, which this dance demands…but she gets everything she has out of everything she’s got. Will she ever be Edyta? No. But do you admire her dedication and willingness to potentially look the fool? I know I do. And there was nothing to be embarrassed about with that routine. Her hair is down and lovely for the first time ever, her make up is understated and she is truly beautiful. Her smile during the dance was sparkling. Well done, Marissa. The judges give her a 25.

But wow, can we PULEEEEEZE get Samantha far, far away from these people? She’s just so awkward and pushy with her questions and buzz kills so much of the night for me by making the couples, who come back all bubbly and out of breath instantly awkward and guarded. What will it take to get rid of this chick?

Next we get Christian/Cheryl with the samba. MUCH better outfit for Cheryl, who really has been suffering at the hands of stoner wardrobe dude this year. And Christian is sleeveless, which is a look I can always get behind on this show. The music is fun and flirty as is the routine, but though there’s all kinds of hip action and going for it, once again their routine has a bit of the manic to it, even in a routine that kind of demands it. And it’s not Christian that gives off the almost desperate vibe when this happens - and it happens a lot to them - it’s Cheryl. Given how brilliant her choreo used to be before the Hough sibs showed up, it’s odd to see this continue to happen. I just want them to relax into it more, but they always seemed so rushed. Like if she just makes it super fast, it will be more impressive. Not so much really. But, all that said, still a fun routine. Right up until the end when Christian pulls something in his forearm twirling Cheryl around. At first I thought they just missed a hold, but then he essentially stops and holds onto his forearm. Cheryl is still dancing, oblivious to this as they aren’t in hold at the time, and then she spins around and he tries to get back into it so she won’t crash, but he can’t hold her and they both end the song on the floor with a stumble and tumble. Really so unfortunate, but he’s clearly injured, so you can’t really hold any of it against him. Tom tries to determine how serious it is and Christian reassures him several times that it’s just a muscle pull and he’s fine, but he’s clearly not fine, so Tom goes to a commercial break. Yeah, after having Marie faint literally at your feet last season, this is not a bad idea. I’m concerned, with the kinda glazed look and the grip he has on his forearm that he actually snapped something, or tore something. Yikes.

We come back from commercial and are told the EMT claims severe muscle cramp, he’s wrapped in ice and either very embarrassed or seriously trying to hold it together because of the pain. Or both. Aww. Judges say they will score up to the point the injury occurred, and now, dear heavenly god, we have to watch Sam interview them. Really? Can we just go to the scores part please? Mercifully, Tom wastes time while the judges mark their ballots and Sam kicks it right to scoring. Yay, a correct move there. They get straight 7’s for a 21 and then Sam doesn’t shut up and I really, really want to duct tape her mouth shut. Something. Anything. Bueller?

Moving on, it’s Kristi/Mark with cha cha cha. I really liked the hair. I know it was over the top, but I thought it suited the dance. Now, we know the whole latin sexy sinewy thing isn’t a natural feel for her as she’s a more conservative person, but she really goes for it here and I think she did a great job. But jeez, once you notice Mark’s plastic-used-car-salesman cheesy grin in these dances, it’s hard to look away. Can’t he even attempt dark and sexy? No, it’s all these Oh! faces and lip synching. It suits some dances, but I think sexy would have been a better thing here and helped her out a lot, too. Ah well. I don’t think they’ll get noted for it as the dance itself was really tough choreo, danced swiftly and smoothly, really brilliant. The techno contemporary moves at the end will likely piss Uncle Lenny off, but there was plenty of content in this, too. Aaaand, Lenny totally gets all old fashioned and cranky, setting Bruno totally off while Carrie Ann just shakes her head. I love these guys. Truly. And you know Lenny is totally a teddy bear, he’s got such a delightful sense of humor about himself that I just sort of shake my head now too when he gets all curmudgeonly on me. Oh, Lenny. In the end, they get a decent score - 28 - 10, 8, 10 (ha!) and totally make Tom giggle, which I loved in a big way.

Mario/Karina get the mambo. Okay, I really loved this dance. I think it’s my favorite from them by far. It didn’t hurt that Mario’s pants made every woman in America appreciate his very fine behind. I thought they had real sparkle in this one and the music and rhythm was great. Mario really looked like he was leading her this dance. For a 21 one year old kid? Very impressive. Judges love em. Scores - 27.

Tom informs us that Christian has gone to the hospital for further tests and we’ll get the scoop on the results show. Along with the always elegant ballroom favorites….Def Lepard?

Shannon/Derek get the mambo as well, which is odd to have the same dance back to back, but whatever. I guess with them all dancing two dances and keeping the same order of appearance, that can get tricky. And Derek clearly choreo’d some in your face hip action for Shannon to deliver as she wiggles right on the judges dais to kick the dance off. The sad part is, the judges are still right - she rotates her hips mechanically, not organically. Still, it was cute and made the judges laugh. But while Latin is very much Mario’s friend, it is clearly not poor Shannon’s. It exposes all of her awkward leggy stiffness. She simply can’t get them to go all rubbery and flexy, much less fluid and sexy. A shame, she’s a beautiful girl, a good performer, and she has great chemistry with Derek. But I think she’s come as far as she can. I feel sorry for the judges as, after last week, and getting the chance to be kind to her in her earlier dance, if they’re honest, this round there will be another tough critique. Aaaaand? Critical but kind. Kinder than I’d have been - she really just kind of stumbled around. Watch it back. Score - 24. I’d have gone with 7s. And that would have been kind. Really, watch the tape. She’s not really dancing in between segments, just wandering from one moment to the next. It’s bad. Easily worst of the night.

Last up, Jason/Edyta, and I realize that I don’t have that pair that I anxiously await each week, to see what they’re going to do. This time, after their first dance, is as close as I’ve come to that anticipation. I hope this paso rocks. And? Uh…wow…and they get the NFL Monday Night Football theme to open the dance, with Jason wearing black paint under his eyes. Shameless? Totally. Effective? You betcha. He is SO on for this. But then the music doesn’t segue to paso music, but rather they are going to use the whole song. (I didn’t even know it was a whole song) and much like the Star Wars paso from season past, this doesn’t work for me. At all. There’s not enough musicality to it. But…hey. You do what you do. The dance, if you can see it through the football ditty, is pretty good. I’d have much rather had a Free Your Mind kinda tune. Wow, imagine that with this guy. Judges are really on - I just got such a kick out of them tonight. Score -26.

Yay, we get Kenny and Dance Center back tomorrow night!

Tough tonight to decide who goes home, as I thought, skill wise, Marissa was next to go, but then she rocked it out the park tonight. It could possibly be Shannon. She executed her first dance well, and has better dancer lines tonight than she has in the past, but killed that dead in the Latin round. I know Mario was in the bottom last week and I have no idea if his performances tonight will change that, but I thought he was really good in the mambo tonight, and fun in his fox trot. Christian, I think, might have been in danger tonight, he seemed a bit disconnected personality wise, then the injury happened, so…hard to call. I predict Marissa is safe again….and Shannon goes home.

Overall scores?Edyta/Jason - 55, Mark/Kristi - 54, Karina/Mario - 51, Tony/Marissa - 51, Derek/Shannon - 50, Cheryl/Christian - 46

What did you think? Who leaves? We know who sings! Tonight on Idol is Neil Diamond night. Woo hoo, the chance for fun music returns. I cannot wait to see what they do this week. I hope we rebound strong. We kinda have to at this point.

Don’t forget to check out the Very Special Prize in this week’s SHaQ Attack contest - check Monday’s post for the details. You won’t want to miss this one!

Aaaaaaand DISH it out!

Tags: Writing by Donna
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I hope everyone had a great weekend! The writer’s retreat was fantastic as always. For those of you tuning in to read my Survivor MAC, check the post before this one. I watched Thursday and was having such a great time, I MAC’d it right then and there.

For those of you checking to see this week’s SHaQ Attack contest…well, it’s right here! I brought home a VSP (very special prize) from the retreat. Along with getting some signed books for some charity auction baskets I’m contributing to, I also picked up a signed copy of something fun to giveaway to you guys! Some of you might have heard of an author named Nora Roberts. She’s written, oh, one or two books…. She has a new series out, the Sign of Seven trilogy, and the second in the trilogy, The Hollow, is coming out next week. Well…..I have a signed copy of it Right Now. If you’d like it to be your signed copy, then all ya gotta do is send an email to donna@donnakauffman.com with “Are you kidding me?” in the subject line. One lucky winner will be chosen from the pile, and announced in Friday’s blog.

Tonight we get some dancing….tomorrow we get some MAC!

Happy Monday, everybody.

Tags: Writing by Donna
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OMG, best Survivor line EVER. So good, I had to come blog this tonight, despite the suitcase that still remains unpacked.

Okay, rewind. So, first, we get James and Amanda, with Amanda boo-hoo-ing because the girls didn’t include her in their plan, didn’t think she was play-ah enough to take the deal and not rat to Ozzy. Which, they were SO right about that, but whatever. James? He thinks it’s hysterical, because he admires good gameplay, so he’s all over this just out of sheer respect. However, do not mistake his respect for good gameplay with any respect he might still have for Parvat. The apple eater. (Anyone who saw James’ last season knows about his parable where the apple is sin and people just can’t resist it, rather than be honorable.) So, he’s SO done with Parvati, but he’s really just amused by it, because he saw this in her from day one. Second best line? Parvati begs him to believe she’s not trying to suck up, just apologizing for not keeping him in the loop. She says she doesn’t want it to be awkward, to which James (who has seemed all fine with her batting eyelash apology) to say, “Ohhh, it’s gonna be awkward.” HA! And when she goes on to say, far more humbly, “Well, I just wanted to talk to you.” He’s all “Yep. You talked.” HA squared.

But what I’m loving more than anything else, is that everyone, to a man/woman, gets that this is all gameplay. So there’s no Pouty McBitch faces going on. Well, except Jason, who, at the Reward Food Auction, begs Natalie - who has a “Send someone to Exile and take their money” card, not to play it on him. Natalie confirms with Probst that there is a new idol out on Exile, and he says yes, so she turns to Jason and is all “I don’t know why you’re upset, you have a shot at another idol” to which Probst adds….wait for it…..

“Yeah, Jason. Maybe this time you’ll find a real one.”

Oh, hahahahahahahahahahahahaahahhaahhaa. HA! God, that was so good, I almost needed a cigarette and I’ve never smoked in my life.

Back to the auction….Natalie immediately puts Jason’s money to good use and gets a big, honkin’ chocolate cake, which comes with a note saying she can share it with three people, all you can eat, 60 seconds. Now, we’ve gotten a combined, oh, maybe sixty seconds of airtime with Natalie and Alexis, so we can be pardoned if this is the first time we discover that apparently she’s a hipster back home, with her own skate park or something. We get “trippin’” and “aggro” in the only two sentences we’ve ever heard her utter. So…chillax and eat cake, mo fums.

She picks the three women who aren’t Amanda, thus creating tribal lines carved deep. In chocolate cake. And thems serious boundaries in a game where people are starving, yo. And then Erik pays Cirie 40 bucks to lick her fingers and he’s all making sex noises, which might have been strangely erotic from the ice cream man, except the noises were all for the chocolate. Which, then is just disturbing. James cannot believe what he’s witnessing. James = no fun.

As usual, we don’t see the whole auction, as is proven by the fact that James is eating something noodly when the segment ends. I’m glad to think everyone got something. Except Jason, of course.

Back at camp, Nat claims she was looking for signs of someone who wanted their shot at idol hunting, but said she got nothing, and didn’t want to deprive anyone of the chance for munchies. Which, understood. But now they’re all freaking out that the only remaining challenge monster (because no one still seems to realize that Parvati kicks ass in all of them) might end up the idol holder. And, unlike the challenge monster they unloaded last week, Jason has no love from these people. Yeah, well, hope the cake was delish.

And wow, not only does Natalie have some street in her, she’s all throwing around the bitch word in a kinda nasty way (which, it’s about Jason, but still…) Wow, what a potty mouth. (Does she know Lisa from Top Chef? Because she’d totally be dropping f bombs right now if this was cable, and y’all know it.) Maybe that’s why she’s gotten no airtime.

So…out at Exile. Jason goes on the idol hunt. Which, if I recall, he did find where the idol should have been hidden last time by following clues, he just found the fake one instead and then was an idiot. But he did find the hiding spot. And, from what they’re showing here, he’s off on another jaunt to find this one, too. Of course, does it rain and storm like hell has opened its doors? Like it did on Cirie? Of course not. Gorgeous sunny days. You do get the chance to see how pretty this place is and how clear the water. Oh….and Jason is also delusional in that he thinks Nat sent him hoping he’d find it, and they could team up, that it was totally strategic and he is now in a winning alliance. Wow, all that from sending him to exile. Well, stranger things have happened, but I’m not thinking that was her game plan….. At the time. But then…..he does find it, so we’ll see.

So, props to Natalie for figuring out she can play Jason, but…can they pull off a complex blindside twice in a row? Guess we’ll find out.

It’s Immunity Challenge Day and it’s Erik’s 22nd birthday. Black Widow Natalie tells us becaus of this, they are kindly sparing him the axe. Awww, the heart, the mercy, the humanity. I feel like I need a shower. She gets Jason aside long enough before the contest begins to tell him they’re sending James home that night and that she’ll explain everything later, but that she sent him for a reason, and he’s all “I knew that!” Now, they don’t want James to get immunity since he’s back up to Jason going home, which means they don’t want him getting it either. Wow, so many things can go wrong now. I’m just no longer certain what wrong is. But I’m sure they’ll show me shortly.

It’s a three part challenge - part one ends up with James, Jason, Erik, and Amanda moving on to part two. Two of the four left are the ones they don’t want winning, except they are…well, winning. So far. James is playing like he knows his life is at stake, he rocks the puzzle, because he’s always been good at those (doesn’t anybody notice this?) Erik is moving. Amanda can’t get past the first stage of part two. Jason is struggling. (He can hunt all over god’s creation and find an idol in a crevice, but he can’t unlock a lock with a key….) So it’s James and Erik to the end. Well, at least Jason is ripe for the picking. Except for that Idol he found, and all….

Do you get the feeling Erik is still playing for Ozzy? I do. So they’re both struggling, but that means more time getting to see wet James in black spandex, so they can just take as loooooong as they want. It was damn close, but Erik got it in the end. Happy Birthday, E!

So…the table is set. Will the poison be played? If it’s up to self-proclaimed ruthless, stone cold bitch Natalie, the answer is hell, yes. With a smile, and a knife in the back if only I had one. Maybe I can make one! Wow, she was just one cackle short of maniacal despot there.

But never underestimate the underdogs, y’all. You know, in her last game, Amanda was a good conniver. She hasn’t had to be this time around, because Oz was handling that. And what he wasn’t Cirie was. So she’s kind of rusty. Or just has island fatigue, going from one game to the next, so she tells James he’s the second choice to go, but can’t figure out how to beat the Black Widow Brigade. James? Not a problem. If Jason writes my name, I’m writing Parvati’s (hey, if they don’t want to keep him in the loop, well, duh!) So he asks Amanda to do the same. Now, Jason plays the idol, Parv goes home. And I am SO down with that plan! HA! Man this is a good season - everyone is seriously playing the hell out of this game. Well done, casting dude. Well done.

James is sure Jason will play the idol. Which, coming from James, kinda funny, but also, who would know better? I mean, he didn’t and Ozzy didn’t, so yeah, you’d think Jason wouldn’t take chances. But then, he fell for a carved stick, folks….

Wow, so do you think Natalie realized she’d be getting no camera time so suddenly decides to go all Lizzie Borden on our asses? Because, yikes just a little bit.

Tribal Council, where Ozzy gives them all the death stare and Cirie’s all kinda “wow, he’s still pissed.” Which he proves by flipping them the bird over his shoulder. Wow, so it’s okay to boot other people, Oz, and it’s just game play, but you get outwitted and outplayed and it’s all kinds of sore loser hate going on. Yeah, respect going down a notch there, my tree climbing forest creature.

Jeff puts James in the spotlight as the next target (thanks, Probst) so James just totally owns it and throws Parvati waaaaaay under the Ozzy bus, outing her as the one who turned on him. Well played, James. If you’re going? Take as many people with you as you can. Probst takes on Jason, who blathers around about having a new place in the tribe, but who knows….then he kindly picks Natalie who is more than happy to back up the notion that your fortunes can change that quickly. And it’s like, no one has their poker face on. Wow, they must really think he’s that stupid. Of course….

Jeff asks for the immunity idol to be played….aaaaaaaaand, nope. Causing James to do a downright comical double-take. I think we can safely say now that he’s no longer in the dumbest of dumb category, just the charter member in the rapidly growing club of dumb. It’s a little closer vote than we’d have liked, but in the end Jason goes home.

Eliza is enjoying the jury, but Ozzy is too busy with the puss face to care. Really. Get over it, Tree Boy.

And James apparently cut his finger and has this huge bandage on it, and is told to see medical on his way out of tribal. Please, can we not have yet another medical evac? I don’t want to see James go. For me? Right now, if I could pick any players to be in my personal final four, purely - purely - for entertainment value, I’d want Cirie, James, Erik, and would have to be Amanda (only because Nat and Alexis, no, and Parvati, hell no.)

But we’ll see how it plays out.

Next week? More about James finger, none of it good. And? It’s family reunion week. I always love them! Yay, civilians!

Okay…I am off for a weekend of fun and rejuvenation with my writer pals, but first - mega booksigning! Hope to see some blog babes there! Woo hoo!! I’ll be back Monday with another SHaQ Attack contest and more MAC to follow. Things are starting to get interesting on our little shows….

DISH! You know you wanna!!!

Tags: Writing by Donna
6 Comments »

A Lloyd plays piano. Idols sing. Crowd goes wild.

Now, on to more important stuff. Who stays…who goes….and for the love of all that is goodness, do we get our fun back next week?

Yeah, that’s going to take about 55 minutes to answer.

Okay, so A Lloyd is a bit of a ham, and interesting. I liked that he didn’t go all politically correct and just say sweet nothings about the performers. He tried to drag Brooke back out from the bus she threw herself under by forgetting her lyrics last night, then turned around and threw Jason smack under by saying he thought it was the most ridiculous choice he’d ever heard of. But he says it all so jovially, you kind of find yourself laughing instead of being appalled. And thankful we’ve already voted.

The Ford commercial was all kinds of strange, but then this is not a new thing. Syesha doing the Matrix thing was, once again, wow. Girl, where has that been, lo these past million weeks? A shame she hasn’t gone there more often. At least it’s interesting. Then there was a PSA about Idol Gives Back from the White House….and all I’m going to say is, what was Laura wearing?

Stool v. Couch time. The David’s are tortured for a little bit, then told they are safe. (And we get the news that it is Neil Diamond week next go around - who I have loved - but all I’m gonna say is, the first one who picks You Don’t Send Me Flowers? Dead to me. Just sayin.)

British Idol Leona Lewis is in the house. To sing. Brooke looks like she’s going to puke. Not because of Leona, but because she’s still waiting to hear her fate. We get a sneak peek of Will Smith’s next movie, Hancock, which I can’t figure out but he’s kinda like a superantihero. I think. But speaking of superheroes — hey, am I the only one who is all over Robert Downey Jr in an action flick? Because that? Is going to be amusing AND fun. Ironman. Be there.

Okay, okay, back to the show. We get a montage of Broadway Idols…Diana diGarmo, Fantasia, LaKisha, Tamyra Grey, and Clay (who, sadly, needs to go back to Idol’s hair stylists. Seriously. What is that saying?)

I haven’t had the pleasure of hearing Leona, and this song? Really looooooong boring song that’s not all that catchy. But she’s exotically gorgeous and she can sang. So, kudos to the Idol machine for shooting another young one to the stars.

Back to the pain. Next out on stage…Syesha and Brooke. Wow, who babbles worse? And, America, once again on crack. Brooke? Safe. Syesha? Not so much. And, while she’s been a bottom dweller for awhile, the one time she deserves safety and Brooke soooooooo does not? Yeah. What’s up with that noise?

I also am guessing this means Jason is our other bottom dweller, but hey, up is down tonight. Who knows. We will, as he and Carly are called out. What is Carly wearing? Never mind. Just, avert your eyes, America. Carly gets kudos, Jason…..trainwreck reprisal. He’s asked how he felt and he’s all “all I know is I realllllly don’t want to be singing that again. Ever. Especially tonight if I get voted out of here.” Or mumbled words to that effect.

Carly’s looking all cocky and talking about what she’s going to do from now on…and I’m all “hey, you’re not safe yet, sister.” And Jason’s just cringing, knowing the axe is coming, and very adorable about it. Which is why HE is still here, Carly. And you? Are on the Shiny Stools of Death. Yes, America, Jason = Safe. Carly = shiny stools.

Is this bottom two deserved from this week? Absolutely not. But is it a shock overall? Also absolutely not. Just a shame to ditch one of them when they finally brought it. Simon says Brooke escaped because she was human, and Jason escaped because he’s charming. And even Simon can’t help but smile while Jason’s all aw-shucksing his way to safety. Me? I’m a happy camper, fair or not. I know. Shallow end of the pool anyone? There’s room by me.

Then Ryan really pulls the rabbit by suddenly announcing that both girls will sing again and wow, so unfair for them to reprise a night that requires a huge orchestration, because it’s not going to stand up well. Which, see Jason’s expression right now. Says it all. Carly is up first and urgesthe crowd to stand. I’m just afraid that skirt she’s wearing…oh wait, it’s part of her shirt. Oh thank heaven! She does her thing. I still think that while she can sing, her voice isn’t strong enough, or heavy enough, to project through a big song like this. In other words, she’s no Heart.

Now Syesha has to play vamp with no piano or man in black. She is seriously pitchy but she completely goes Broadway with the mannerisms and really, why not? Go for it, Sy. (And in the background, is Carly being incredibly rude during her compatriots sing out, chatting up Ryan very demonstratively. Because it’s just always about her.) Syesha, to her credit heads out and uses the judges table as her stage. Well done.

Me, I think both of them could be wonderful on Broadway. But not so much on the pop charts. Which, not a bad place to land. Everyone’s a winner.

Going home? Carly, ladies and gentlemen. Hunh. I didn’t predict a win for her, but…..well, Syesha is now officially the new Kristy “Kryptonite” Lee. I just hope she doesn’t cave in and takes what this opportunity has given her.

We’re down to three guys, two girls. Who’s it gonna be next week? Anyone wanna predict the final two? I know America thinks it’s going to be the David’s. Given that Jason hasn’t been bulletproof, I think that’s a safe bet. I can’t see either of the girls making it that far.

But hey. I’ve been wrong before.

Top Chef….oh, we’re deep in Soapy Drama land now. A shame, really. I like it better when it’s about food, not shanky personalities. But tonight, it’s all about desserts, and so I forgive. Because, mmmmmmm….sugar craving!

Padma explains what anyone who has watched the show knows, which is that trained chefs isnt’ the same thing as trained pastry chefs and many have been booted on dessert failures. She waves around a Top Chef cook book, tells them to hurry up and make something delish, and the winner’s recipe will be in the book. Me? I think that if they’ve ever watched a previous season, that the second they learned they made the show this year, they should have mastered at least one dessert to pull out of their tall white hat. But to not have a fall back? Shame on them. Oh, and btw? Lisa? Wash your damn hair.

Quickfire? Well, duh. Make a dessert. Antonia immediately outs herself as one with no fall back. Dale admits he’s got a grand total of one dessert in him, and this is it. Lisa loftily informs us she swore she’d never cook a dessert on this show. Really, Lisa? Since when did you become producer of Top Chef and get to make those decisions. Wow, when did I start reallllllly not liking her? Oh yeah, for forever. She makes it so easy like that. I hope she goes tonight, and that’s just based on that one comment alone.

Richard tells us how awesomely witty and amazing he is. So awesome he just comes up with stuff off the cuff, because he is, say it with me, awesome. Richard? Shut up. And when you go to Shut Up Land? Please, for the love of all things sweet and sticky, take Spike with you. That is all.

Everyone seems to knock it out, actually. Okay, most of them. Antonia, bottom dweller. As is Spike, commended for tackling the souffle, but still bottom dweller. (Ha!) Mark, who did more dessert appetizers. Top? Dale and his homeboy brew. Lisa. It looked like a hot mess, but….okay. Dammit. And dang, Richard, too? Sheesh. Who wins, and climbs another rung on the Ladder of Insufferable. Wow. When did this show stop being fun? Oh, right, when I stopped liking almost all the chefs this season. How did that happen? It all started off soooo well.

Immunity Challenge this week….wait, first they’re told they’re going to see an improv show at Second City. And do they reallllly think this can be just a social outing? Really? Because even I knew better than that. So, at the end of the show, the cast gets the audience to shout out seemingly random things, which…..become the dishes the chefs have to cook the next day. Lisa drops the F bomb for the second time in the first quarter hour of the show, because she’s all klass-ay like that.

The chefs are left to decide who gets what. They draw numbers. Mark is getting a lot of one on one camera confessionals tonight. This usually does not bode well for chef longevity. Just sayin. Then he has to go say he’s confident in his cooking. Wow, death knell. Sheesh, Mark.

They team up - Spike/Andrew, Steph/Jen, Dale/Richard, Antonia/Lisa, Nikki/Mark (a coupling which further cements my concern.)

Steph/Jen get Orange Turned-On Asparagus. (It was improv, people, no one knew.) Dale/Richard get Green Perplexed Tofu, Antonia/Lisa get Magenta Drunk Polish Sausage, (wow, are these two the pair or what? Both are all really downright haughty. “I don’t cook with beer,” Antonia disgusts. “I’m not dumbing down my food because some idiot shouted it out,” Lisa snots. And god knows they’re not touching polish sausage. Way to embrace the FUN in the challenge, ladies. Can we send them both home?)

Man, I’m really not liking these people. Except Stephanie, sometimes Mark (except he sucks as a chef), and occasionally Jen (no that she’s packaged with 100% less Zoi.) Okay, Andrew can make me laugh. So that’s four. I feel much better now.

Spike/Andrew are Yellow Vanilla Love. Hunh. Rock on. Which leaves Nikki/Mark with Purple Depressed Bacon. I know.

The chefs discover the “improv” in the kitchen is they took all the machines out. Most chefs commiserate. Not Lisa/Antonia, no, they laugh and laugh, because Spike is finalllly making his soup, and yeah, good luck with that. I can’t stand Spike, either. Still, they’re hateful. Then they get the twist that they have to pack up the stuff and cook for the improv crew back at their tiny house kitchen (despite the set table in the top chef kitchen) and, of course, Lisa totally saw that coming and we get more F bombs. Wow. Such intense dislike waves coming from me…..I’m surprised her head didn’t just spontaneously combust.

The presentations are alternately cute and hilarious. Jen/Steph especially rocked that. A shame their dish didn’t rock as well. Andrew/Spike’s dish does well, as does Richard/Dale’s. Spike spikes all over Antonia/Lisa’s dish, but given their level of general horridness this entire show, I can’t even fault him. I want their dish to flop. Spectacularly. And…..it doesn’t go well. (Yay!) Nikki/Mark’s go out, and it’s a hit. (More yay!)

Dale/Richard and Spike/Andrew get the top nods, as they deserve. And only because of Lisa/Antonia’s snot do I totally want the soup to win, even if that means Spike gets a win, too. I’ll just pretend it was all Andrew’s idea. But I’d be good either way, even with a Richard win….which says a lot. Especially since his team does take the win. They both win this time, also deserved.

Bottom time, no surprises. And even when it’s pointed out to them how badly they failed and WHY (they didn’t use polish sausage…in their polish sausage dish. Helllooo?) Antonia/Lisa are still horrid harridans. Hey, if they win as a team this week, can they go home as a team, too? Please, send these two knife packing. Because otherwise it’s going to be Jen and/or Steph, and that? I’d have to stop watching the show. For real. But, given the focus of the questions, it looks like it’s going to go horribly wrong for me. And, probably, Jen. But are they the ones snotting in the back room and dropping copious f bombs (Lisa) while awaiting word of their fate? No.

But, damn. I’m getting a baaaaad feeling, y’all. Yep. Jen is told to pack and go, and at least Antonia and Lisa had the decency to look humbled. I don’t think anyone in that kitchen would have sent her next. Clearly, Jen is stunned. But does she snot? No. Total pro exit. Might wanna take a look into that. Lisa and Antonia. Karma, she’s a bitch.

So…two kinda surprises tonight. They’ve done their dish…now it’s your turn!

SHaQ Attack time….I went easy on ya this week. You just had to send a Pick Me email. Our winning blog babe this week is Kathleen E! Woo hoo!! I have a stack of books to send out, all of which will go when I return from the retreat.

Have a great weekend everyone! I’ll MAC some Survivor for ya upon my return.

But for right now? It’s time to dish! What did you think about the Idol Ouster? Did the right Chef pack their knives?

Tags: Writing by Donna
3 Comments »

First up, on Dancing With The Stars…hmm, everyone comes out in their western duds, so let me guess what the encore dance is gonna be? I wonder…. Tonight we get Ashleeeeeee Simpson and Riverdance. I used to love Riverdance but my last view of it, the lead guy, what’s his name, was all over the damn thing ruining it. So I think I will be moving on to American Idol a bit faster this evening as the ol fast forward finger will get more than just commercial break action.

I always enjoy the backstage commentary from the stars. This week I liked Christian’s the best. He’s all excited about how good it feels to get a good score (three 9’s) then comments how this is how Kristi must feel every week. Love him. And I love the good natured rivalry they’ve all got going with her. She’s used to big time pressure from competing at the highest level in her sport on an international stage, so this is nothing for her, which makes it all in good fun. It also makes me miss Adam Corolla. He brought the funny. On the bringing the pain scale, that would be Derek and Shannon. She’s hurting over the judges criticism (though it was pretty much right on, I have to admit) and Derek picks up the gauntlet and gets angry that they’re picking them apart, but not the other couples. Aaaaaand, yeah, he also has a point. Just sayin.

We find out that Apolo, Julianne, Maks and Mel B will be back on a future show. I want to go!!!

Now it’s ff time as Ashleeeee takes the stage. Aaaaand, we get more backstage drama from Shannon who is pretty much having a total meltdown which I’m sure she’ll regret doing on camera later. Or not. But with all the pressure, stress, and training, I have to give her a little room here, since I’d have probably long since lost it after working so hard only to constantly hear them tear me down. What’s even harder is that, for the most part, the critiques are spot on. I’m not sure Shannon gets that they’re not telling her she can’t dance, but that, at this stage of the competition, she’s not up to speed with many of the others. Which, she’s not. Has she seen the show? And they didn’t give her a bad score. She’s just having “a moment.” I just hope Derek gets her on to another moment quickly.

She could take lessons from Marlee, who is handling her failure to compete at the level she is trying so hard to quite graciously, and you know it’s taking a toll on her. Marissa is loving her night, as is Christian and Mario. Kristi and Mark are just plain cute. Any other person in her spot, I’d probably not be loving (see: Sabrina) but she’s just too dang adorable to hate for being so good.

Now it’s time to play Safe or Not Safe? Safe? Is Shannon & Derek (and I heart Tom for saying it’s time for happy tears.) Not Safe? Marlee & Fabian. Hmmm. Wonder who will land next to them. (By the way, note to Wardrobe Manager: please have Jason wear sleeveless shirts every week. Thanks.) We get a little backstage commentary where Sam does the obligatory “how does it feel to be a loser” chat with Marlee, which, shut up, Sam. Then when she turns to ask Shannon and Derek how they feel to be safe, we see that Derek’s face is covered with lipstick kisses, which….after Sam’s grilling last night, was pretty funny. Then Shannon earns back some brownie point by apologizing for the meltdown, as does Derek, both claiming they are passionate about what they’re doing and just lost their cool, prompting Sam to comment on how they have the passion, alright. Yeah. Tom can get away with this, Sam, not so much. Still, at least they’re trying for lighthearted.

Next we get Riverdance,and since Michael Flatley was no where in sight, I didn’t immediately ff, and I’m glad I didn’t. I thought it was pretty entertaining. I wish the camera guys understood that the power of the final line was seeing them all dance in unison at the same time, but no, they had to pan foot by foot, leg by leg, down the line. Sort of defeats the power of the image, but whatever, stoner camera dude. I still enjoyed it.

Time for more ballroom kids. I enjoy the little tykes, but there’s a part of me that just thinks kids that young dancing like that is unnatural. Tonight we get the not-so-little 13 yr olds. Although I will hand it to the little guy who danced second, who had charisma times ten, I was glad to see the first couple get it. I really liked that pair.

Time for more Safe/Not Safe. Marissa/Tony are safe, and thrilled. But really thrilled is Christian who lets out a whoop when they announce he and Cheryl are safe. I am glad, but with them both in safety land, this means that either Jason, Mario, or Kristi is in the bottom two with Marlee. Hunh. I’m guessing maybe Jason? He didn’t dance as well, but why take the eye candy away, why, America? Still, Mario and Kristi should definitely be safe. I guess we shall see. And I’m predicting it’s a Marlee Exit this evening, so likely, it won’t matter other than to nudge the fans of the other bottom dweller to get on the stick and vote next week.

So, can we start a Get Rid Of Sam petition somewhere? Because it’s just more painful every week. Her “banter” is just so awkward and you know Tom is just cringing every week. I know I am!

Who else is safe? Kristi & Mark, and it probably wasn’t the worst thing to give them a taste of loser flop sweat. But, surprisingly (and no one is more so than Edyta) Jason is also safe! Which means the Curse of Karina lives on. Mario/Karina - not safe. Maybe it was the ick factor of Mario dedicating a sexy dance to his 6 year old brother, who knows. I thought they were pretty hot. But…here they are. Undeserved, but it is so.

In the end, it’s Marlee & Fabian making their exit. I think she was truly remarkable and such an inspiration. She makes an incredibly classy exit, as does Fabian. Then Tom goes and gets me all misty as he hugs his dear friend, Marlee, good-bye. Awww, Tom!

Comments? What did you think? I think it was the right choice, but still sad. Next week should be interesting. Two new dances for each team - and the competition is pretty darn tight!

Now? It’s Idol Time! Woo hoo! And please, for the love of dog, can someone guarantee me up front it won’t be a Evita/Cats/Phantom Night ? I need up tempo people, I need fun! Can we have a ballad free week? Okay, so maybe this week with Andrew Lloyd Weber in the house, that’s too much to ask, but I’d kill for disco week right about now. So…you know how desperate I am.

The band is bigger, and on the stage where they belong….except it’s because they’re an orchestra tonight, due to the whole Broadway theme thing. Sigh. Would it kill them to do a rock night? Seriously?

Our Top Six come out, and much as it pains me to say, props go right off to Syesha for acknowledging fabric can have color. Her red dress is a knockout, and makes the already drab other five look even more generic. Okay, so Carly tries with some sort of paisley…something, sorry, I just can’t look.

We get a little mini-lecture from Lloyd-Weber on his theory on making songs powerful, and that’s to focus on the story told in the song, that the power is in the words. I couldn’t agree more. Which is why Syesha? Carly? Yeah, this might be a tough week for you.

Syesha starts it off and thank the stars, she picks One Rock N Roll Too Many, a saucy little tune from what show I have no idea, and she totally goes for it in rehearsal. Where’s that light been hiding? On stage, she starts on top of a piano - standing, on top of a piano - and while the tune is still there, and the dress is all hot, where did all the saucy go? The animated Syesha from rehearsal has been toned down. Hunh. I don’t get that choice. She starts to bring the vamp a bit more toward the end, hits a few ouch notes, but brings it home way better than she launched. It is easily her most memorable performance and a great way to kick off the show (not a ballad!) Still, I hate to be a sour puss, but it’s not the show stopper it could have been. Judges - Randy agrees with. Paula thinks she rocked. Simon says it was really sexy and she’s definitely in her element on Broadway. (Which, apparently is her Happy Place. Who knew?) And Ricky Minor in black, dancing? Where has that been, btw? Because that? Is a hawt bald man.

Yay, we get Castro next! NO! He takes Memories, from Cats. And all the joy is sucked immediately from the room. Dammit, Jason. Now I have to listen. You know how I said I hated that song Carly sung last week with the passion of a thousand burning suns? Yeah, this one? Hate even more. Most oversung song ever. I hate that he couldn’t get original, in a week where it could have really paid off, and instead goes for the equivalent of the diva tune. This, Phantom, and Evita, should have been taken off the table, so they’d be forced to do what Syesha did. (And no, I cannot believe I just typed that.) Lloyd-Weber is essentially horrified to see some dread locked white boy singing his singature diva tune. Well, Andy? That makes two of us. And I love the guy. (Do I have to listen?) Okay. Here we go. And, you know? His breathy voice and soft spoken style are actually working for me. In fact, the opening few bars kinda gave me goosebumps - for real. How in the hell did that happen? Maybe it took someone who had no clue about this song, its history, or anything to do with it, to sing it so purely. But he did. Then, very unfortunately, he stays in such a low register, it loses its opening punch. Frankly, the fact that he got me to love even eight bars of this song is remarkable. Judges? Randy proclaims trainwreck. Paula liked that he sang it like Joe Cocker instead of power diva. Simon says, longest two minutes ever. To his credit, Jason agrees with him. Not his favorite week either. Aww, I love my woodland creature. (Ryan? Shut up.)

Brooke White, who could redeem a couple of snoozefest weeks with something really solid here, is up next. (I’m taking a wild guess right now and saying they’re giving the pimp spot to Archie tonight.) Aaaaand, she picks the ballad he wrote for the new Evita movie. Really? So….Syesha, who couldn’t steer clear of a diva song if paid big piles of money to do it, is the only one to get original tonight? Oh, the irony, people. Oh. The pain. So, now I suffer. And so, I think, does Brooke. I would have pegged Syesha going home tomorrow, but Our Brooke has made several showings in the bottom three and tomorrow might be her turn for the bottom one. And I’d be okay with that. On top of that, Our Brooke, who feels the pain of mortals only on a slightly lower scale than Archie, actually had to have Lloyd-Weber walk her through the song and explain it’s meaning, so she could sing it with conviction. It’s a tragic song (oh yay) and she still had to work to wrap her head around it. Really? Lord Andy has hope. Me? Not so much. Sigh. Here we go. Aaaaand, she breaks on the opening note, and has the orchestra start over. Now, she’s done this once before, but then it was just her on the piano. This time, I don’t think the judges will gush about what a pro move it was to start over rather than sound rough. This time, I think she just choked. Harsh? Could be. But I’m kinda done with Brooke. And ,though she brings it in the end, I think, overall, the song was truly the trainwreck Randy said Jason’s was. Judges? Randy thought it was uneven. Paula struggles to find a nice way to say mean things. She chastises about the start/stop/start. Then she reverts to her loopy form. Simon says it was strained and the stop/start cost her. She’s all tragic and vulnerable. And I’m still done with her.

Also and? They resist giving Archie the pimp spot on Broadway night. At least there are some surprises tonight.

He’s next. And, nonononononono NO, AGAIN with the power female diva sung by a guy thing? And from Phantom no less? Why, Archie? Why? Whhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Am I being punished? Is that it? What did I do to deserve this? What did America do? We’ll stop, just tell us. Make it stop. Pleeeeaaase, make it stop. Lloyd-Weber is caught further off guard by the fact that Archie reworked the song entirely, but feels that kind of bravery deserves accolades. Oh, you sad, silly man. Clearly, he doesn’t watch this show. He’ll learn. I don’t even recognize the song in this form. It’s nice. Sung well. And he did make it contemporary, if not particularly memorable. At all. What kind of night is it when Syesha is the memorable one? I ponder while the judges struggle to find meaning in another ill advised, crap theme night. Sorry, Sir Lord Lloyd, or whatever your title is. Personally, you rock, but on Idol? Not so much, really. Judges? Randy says he is the one to beat. Oookay. Paula gushes loopily. Simon thought it wasn’t memorable (hello!) And Lloyd-Weber looked underwhelmed. I defer to Simon and the Sir. Ryan mercifully shuts up and doesn’t try to bury Archie’s entire career, as he did with Jason.

Aaaand, the penultimate spot goes to….Carly? Hey, wow, finally, a worthy pimp spot! (I SO hope he brings it.) Oh, what does she choose, dare I uncover my eyes? And pop off the mute button? Praise the Lloyd, he convinces her NOT to sing another Phantom tune. (Hallelujah!) And she goes for Jesus Christ Superstar, which, for her? Could be a knock out and is definitely more a show stopper potential than yet another dreary power ballad. Brooke was enough for one night, thanks. So, kudos on song choice. Let’s hope she makes it pay off. The paisley now makes sense. And, love it or hate it, love or hate her, but this was waaaaaay better than any ballad she could have chosen. I don’t know if her voice was quite big enough for the whole orchestra behind her. And the background singers got all tripped up in her stylized vocals, but oh well. So far? It’s Carly and Syesha’s night. Up is down, down is up. Dogs and cats, living together. Cook, end the craziness! Judges? Randy says the big voices rule on Broadway night. And…true. Perhaps that’s the explanation. Paula woo hoodles. Simon said it was a bit shouty but one of his faves of the night. And Carly trots out a Simon Loves Me (this week) tee shirt, all happy. Which, I’m all for anything that brings more joy to this stage. So, hoo-yah. Mostly because it cut off the Ryan Babble Time.

Now FINALLY we get David Cook. I can’t even imagine what he’s going to do, but it better be damn fantastic. So, he chooses Music of the Night, from Phantom, and we learn he grew up doing musical theater. All of this crushes me, mostly because, REALLY DAVID? So what if this is your wheelhouse. PHANTOM? Must you? For the love of…Even if he sings the daylights out of it, I’m already so disappointed. You know, Weber did write OTHER MUSICALS besides the Big Three. Ask Syesha. Oh, okay, go ahead and sing. Sheesh. Opening notes….and I’m already numb and losing interest. David, how could you do this to me? Yes, he sings it perfectly. Powerfully, even. But contemporary? New? Different? No. No. And no. And I find, sadly, I care not. This is the first week I will not download a tune. Judges? Randy says it was an amazing vocal. True. But hot? I think not. Paula says he’s well rounded with a beautiful instrument. Also true. Yet, still, I care not. However he did look beautiful tonight. Simon Says he made the most of the night and the song he was given. True, true, and true. And yet America weeps. And not in a good, Idol Gives Back kind of way.

So, there is your night, people. Bottom three? Should be Brooke, Brooke, and well, Brooke. I don’t think anyone else deserves the boot or the bottom tonight.

What do you think?

Don’t forget, today is your last day to enter the contest this week. Details in Monday’s post. Winner announced tomorrow! Tonight, we send a singer home. Do your work, America. Get it right.

Tags: Writing by Donna
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Dancing With The Stars delivered the heat, last night, y’all. Everyone did something different. We had jive, we had rumba, Viennese Waltz, mambo… And pretty much everyone brought their A game. The only dancer to suffer was Marlee, but when you factor in the fact that she can’t hear the dang music, her technically insanely difficult mambo was brilliant.

We learned all kinds of things last night.

We learned Jason can get his freak on in the cha cha. Whew, they were pretty smokin’ hot. And they both bring the pretty, too.

We learned that Marissa can float like a princess in the Viennese Waltz. I thought that was Tony’s best choreo for her by far. And he looked quite dapper in his tails. And, finally, stoner wardrobe dude went easy on Marissa this week in the costume department. Now if we could just get the stoner hair stylist babe to figure things out… It was her best dance yet, I thought.

We learn that Cheryl and Christian can dance a fox trot even when the singer decides to totally butcher the cadence and rhythm of the classic song, Come Fly With Me. What was up with that, anyway? Totally ruined an otherwise lovely dance. So please, All About Me Singer Dude? Take it down a notch, you’re not the one competing here.

We learned, if we read the TV Guide online news (who me?), that Shannon and Derek were caught smooching in public, and I’m thinking it wasn’t just at the beach shoot. Samantha grilled them about their budding romance backstage after their Sexy Rumba Dance, but both play coy.

They are SO doing it.

We learned that Kristi was born with a club foot, which, honestly? Wow. And she’s a gold medal Olympian. Between her and Marlee, you really start to see where determination and drive can take you and it’s both humbling and inspiring. I bow to both of those ladies. Then she and Clark Kent Mark knocked their jive out of the park. Really adorable and I’m liking them more and more as the weeks pass, despite Kristi being a total ringer.

Hi Paula Abdul and Simon’s GF Terri in the audience!

We learn that Mario really wants to compete and brings the Sexy Back with Marvin Gaye and a sizzling rumba with Karina that could melt steel. Yow. Squared. I’m sure there was not a man alive watching the show who wouldn’t have killed to be Mario in that dance. And there were some women feeling much the same about Karina.

Scores: Kristi/Mark - 30, Mario/Karina - 28, Cheryl/Christian - 27, Marissa/Tony - 26, Jason/Edyta - 24, Derek/Shannon - 24, Marlee/Fabian - 21,

Now we get the group western dance. I loved the film snippets and behind the scenes looks as much as the dance itself. That was fun! I’m glad the judges don’t get to score this one. Christian Perry, of Ballroom Bootcamp fame, is their choreographer, and while I liked him in that other ballroom series, I’ve been less than impressed with him when he guests on this show. Have no idea why that is. Christian chooses Kristi and Jason as leaders of their respective packs, and the two of them facing off, with several feet difference in height, is pretty amusing. Everyone seems to be having a really good time, and even if it’s chaos on the dance floor, I’m betting we will, too.

All in all, cute and successful. I think Mario, Jason, and Kristi did the best over all in their mini-solos, but it was all fun.

My bottom three this week? It’s tough because I like all of them. Would have to be Marlee just on difficulty sake, it’s getting hard now and really challenging her inability to hear the music, Shannon, because those legs are a mile long, but not all that graceful. As the other dancers progress, you see more baby colt in her than leaping gazelle. And, I guess, Marissa, though her verve makes up a lot for her lack of finesse. Going home - Marlee, maybe? Hard to say. They each have their own fan base, and loyalty amongst viewers who care about them. I suppose it could be Christian, seeing as he was in the bottom two last week, but it wouldn’t be deserved.

Tonight’s results show has a list of entertainment so long I have no idea how they’ll make time to boot someone. Should be fun, except for that last-five-minutes part where someone has to go. I’m not ready for any of them to leave!

Idols sing tonight, too. It’s a veritable smorgasbord of fun and fabulousness. Don’t forget to enter this week’s SHaQ Attack contest. Details in Monday’s post. Winner announced on Thursday this week, so get your entries in!

Aaaaaaand, dish!

Tags: Writing by Donna
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So, I got my own charitable gift last night. We had raging storms here all day, which, great writing weather, but not so much with the satellite dish. All I got of Oprah’s Big Give finale was up through Blue Man Group and then Stephen hugging the wife and kids after he won. I liked him, glad he won. Thank you, Mother Nature, for sparing me the rest. I doubt this one will come around again, and if it does, I won’t be recapping it. I’ve done my Big Give with this show. Now I go home.

This week will be a short one for me, as I leave early Friday for my writer’s weekend retreat. We kick off the event with a huge multi-author book signing at Turn The Page Bookstore and Cafe in Boonsboro, Maryland, which begins at 11 and likely runs until at least 1. Probably longer. It’s an annual event for many, so usually very well attended. If you can’t attend but would like a signed book by one of the authors, you can go to the bookstore website and attend their virtual booksigning! Woo hoo! All the details are on their home page - click the Turn the Page link in the right hand column of this blog under Buy My Books!

We will have a SHaQ Attack contest this week, but it’s a short one, with the winner announced on Thursday morning instead of Friday. I’m going easy on you (and me!) this week - just send an email to donna@donnakauffman.com with Pick Me! in the subject line. One lucky winner will be drawn from all entries and get a free book!

I realize the short week will eliminate the Survivor MAC on Friday, after the Best Episode Evah last week, but I will offer a belated MAC of the show next Monday. Doesn’t mean you can’t discuss amongst yourselves while I’m gone. I’ll respond to that, too, when I get back and get a chance to watch it and read your comments and emails.

Tonight on Dancing with the Stars we have the remaining dancers doing two dance performances. Oh the stress, oh the drama! Tomorrow we get more singing on Idol from the remaining six. It’s Broadway musical week, so there is at least the chance of up tempo tunes for the first time in forever, but oh, the bombast that is likely to come out way. Wince. I am interested to see what Jason and Cook do, so there is that. Should be a knock if out the park week for Archie. I’m predicting anything from Lion King. And all the girls will sing Cats, just to punish me for mocking them, lo these many weeks. But I’ll show them. I’ll just limber up the ol’ ff finger action on the remote control. Ha!

Since I doubt anyone has anything to dish about the Oprah finale, or will simply spare me the diatribe, we can just dish books today instead. Speaking of dishing, I’m currently reading Mary Kay Andrews’ Deep Dish. Kinda cute in a Susan E Phillips/Jennifer Crusie kinda way. Ish.

Hope you all are enjoying springier weather wherever you are. We’re somewhat sodden here today, which, I guess is springy weather, too, just not the bright, sunny sort. Still, good writing weather for me. I’m off in search of the perfect munchies to go with. Hey, it’s part of my whole, um, creative process. Yeah, that’s it!

Tags: Writing by Donna
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Finally, fun comes back to reality television. With last night’s episode of Survivor starting with the remaining tribe members questioning Jason on the fake immunity idol. And Jason? Just because Eliza played it and not you? Yeah, doesn’t make you look any more the rocket scientist. Neither does beating Ozzy in one immunity challenge (about which you can shut up at any time.) The fact that you fell for a carved stick? Yeah. I laughed and laughed. Oh, and take that buff off your head. You look like the eighth dwarf. Dorky.

We get right to the first challenge. Two teams of four this time. Winning team flies to a local tribe for a feast and night of luxury. Well, that last part might be relative, but still, cool. I love the tribal rewards. Oh yeah, we have two teams of four but nine people left. The person not chosen? No chance at reward, straight to exile island. Wow, talk about your schoolyard pick nightmare scenarios. Immediately you know the young shiny people will take this and yep, it’s Cirie going to exile. Man, I wish the idol was still out there and she got it. Young shiny people.

So, we have two teams: James/Parvati/Alexis/Natalie and Jason/Ozzy/Amanda/Erik. I give the edge to Jason’s team, because James and water do not mix. Although there really isn’t much swimming, and he usually rocks the puzzles, so who knows. It was close and either team could have had it, but in the end, it’s Jason’s team for reward. A shame Cirie isn’t left back at camp to work her devious wiles. Dammit.

I love that the emissary of Yap, sent to escort the surivors, learned enough English to introduce himself. They go through this lovely glade to the village and it’s all very Ewok Adventure. I want to go to Yap! Then the goofy music starts as the locals pass out the wacky juice in coconuts and we get a lot of digitally blurred naked breasts on tribal women of all age ranges. I’m guessing they weren’t so blurry in person, but with the wacky juice, hard to say. Erik is forced to admit that he’s eating and looking at more boobs than he’s ever seen in his whole life. I love Erik right now. For some reason, he’s the narrator of this entire segment. Possibly because he’s the only one sober enough to be coherent? Not sure. But more likely it’s because he’s so wide-eyed about it all (as I would be) it’s delightful. Ozzy comments on this as well, and I heart him, too. (And as it turns out, it wasn’t because Erik was the sober one. But he’s a cute stoner.)

See, Nigel? Reality television and = fun. Just sayin.

Then we go to Exile, where poor Cirie is having to go through a ridiculously harsh storm all by herself. (Is she the first one to do Exile alone this season?) It’s not her first time there this season, but that looks about as sucky as it gets. Not to mention scary. At least, as opposed to her first season on the show, she can make fire now, even if the storm did kill it. Now that’s a long ass night, and with nothing to gain, damn. But it does give her plenty of time to consider that the biggest threat in the merged tribe is Ozzy. Maybe you shouldn’t always pick according to strength, young shiny people.

Back at Loser Camp, they aren’t enjoying the torrential rains, either. And James is about all done playing servant in the downpour to a bunch of lazy ass shiny people. Parvati’s lucky he didn’t just send the axe he was sharpening in her general direction. I might have.

The reward group comes back and Ozzy goes on waaaaaaay too long about the amazing food. I think he’s a pretty good social player, so I’m not sure of the strategy there, but boy was not reading the room. Not so happy shiny people Ozzy, and they don’t want to hear the details of your damn feast. If it was Erik just being all naive and shiny telling them about his grand Ewok adventure, I’d forgive a lot more. Not so much with Ozzy.

I love how Jason views himself as the ultimate threat. He knows he’s the one going out if he doesn’t win immunity. Way to be self important there, Dorky. You don’t give these folks enough credit on canabalizing their own, which is why you won’t win, and someone like Erik actually would stand a chance. He’s thinking ahead, you’re just thinking about how awesome you are.

Immunity Challenge: it comes down to Parvati and Jason in an endurance challenge that goes on for over 6 hours. Yikes. Finally Jeff tempts the remaining two with a platter full of food, saying if they get down, they can share it with the others. It’s clear that Jason was at least right about the fact that no one on the tribe likes him. At all. Wow. So he demands a guarantee that he won’t be the one going home if he bails and takes one for the team. And it actually takes them a few minutes to decide. Maybe not so much self important, as universally loathed. Cirie and Amanda cross fingers when they give him their guarantee. Like that makes it any less of a bold faced lie, but whatever. And he’s all smug/smirky while he “thinks about it” and I begin to see why he’s loathed. Self important little twerp. But I’ll give him this, he’s definitely a challenge threat. Dude looks like he could stay there all night. In the rain. I hope, however, that the tribe is also noticing that this isn’t exactly wearing down Parvati yet, either. Six hours. In the rain. Just sayin.

Parvati tries to sway him by telling him he’d score points and make friends. I’m sure he realizes the friendship points will only last as long as the food. In the end, he takes the big risk. And I have no idea if it’s going to pay. I hope he enjoyed the pizza. And yep, they’re all not back in camp for two seconds and rolling their eyes and wondering what in the hell he was thinking to trust them. He’s totally going home. Which, on the one hand, ha ha, Jason, ha ha. On the other hand, I actually feel a teeny tiny bit sorry for him, sitting over there, all by himself, still all alone in this game. I’m sure I’ll get completely over that any time now. And Ozzy has a total point - Jason was poised to take the second immunity in a row, and he could easily keep on with that, so it’s kind of now or possibly never. Which, yes. And still…..damn, that’s pretty cold.

Cirie decides this is a perfect time to blindside Ozzy and get rid of the idol (told you guys not to leave her alone, cold, wet and miserable.) And James senses something’s not right, and even Ozzy admits it would be the perfect time to execute a blindside, but then goes on to say he has faith in his alliance. Now who’s being the fool? Hopefully he does tote the idol along. You can always find it again if they put it back out there, Oz Man.

Tribal Council: Jason does explain a bit more about why he went for the deal, and it makes sense. He knows he’s gone if he doesn’t win every time, and he probably won’t, so he decided to see if taking a different tack would work. It won’t, Jason, but nice try. I hope they all feel worse voting for you. But seriously, take that doorag on your head. Love how Cirie deals with Jeff. Ha.

Time to vote. I think Jason is going. Ozzy’s either going to play the idol, or the folks realize he’s on to them and just vote Jason rather than risk the wrath of Oz if he uses it and stays.

So, wow, Ozzy doesn’t use it. Jason smiles, which means nothing really. But so does Cirie. Hmmmmm. And slowly, the knife turns, and WOW, in a five-four vote…it’s Ozzy going home. Now in a season of blindsides? THAT was the best blindside ever. I mean, I love the guy, but in terms of pure gameplay? Rock on, Cirie! Take that, shiny happy young people. HA! James, Amanda and Erik are like WTF? And Eliza is just losing her total shit in the jury box. Damn. Ozzy? Not a happy camper. I’m thinking Cirie won’t be getting his vote for the money, nor will Parvati. But hey, it’s the risk you take. As was not playing that idol, Oz man. Damn.

And now that Parvati turned her on alliance, Amanda will have to run to the Girl Power team if she wants to survive, and James and Erik might be forced to team up with Jason the Smug. Enjoying that doughnut a bit more now, Dorky? I bet you are.

Ozzy’s exit? Well, he admitted it was stupid to get complacent and too trusting, but then he made it very clear that when he finds out who voted against him from his alliance? Yeah, not getting Ozzy’s vote, I don’t think. Bitter, party of one! I guess it was okay and outwit/outlast/outplay to lie straight to Jason’s face then vote him out, that’s on Jason. But your alliance turning on you, that’s different. Ooookay.

Man, I love this game. Episode rating? A+ That is how you play Survivor.

Next week? Parvati is scrambling. James is borderline homicidal. Which is never a good thing with a gravedigger. And Girl Power unites. Um…do you think they’re aware that when they get it to be all girls, they will have to vote each other out? Just askin.

Now on to this week’s SHaQ Attack contest! A lot of you voted guy for Survivor, but I’m betting you weren’t thinking it’d be Ozzy. And it was girl’s week on both Dancing and Idol. A lot of you got all three right and have three chances at being drawn for the prize. No one got it all wrong, although there were a few close calls! So no Booby Prize this week! And the winning blog babe is? Drum roll……….Judy F from Ohio! Woo hoo, Judy!! You voted twice and got them both right. You win this week’s free book. Just let me know which one you want (send me a few titles in case I’m out of your first choice) and I’ll get your book out with the next batch!

I hope everyone has a pretty spring weekend. I am heading up to a ribbon factory today so I can see how they make ribbon. How cool is that? Even cooler, then I get to go over to the outlet side of things and buy all the ribbon I can carry for pennies. I use a lot of fibers in the art/crafts I teach, so this is going to be a fun day for me!

Tune in on Monday, where we’ll have some Men in Trees and Big Give Finale MAC.

Wow. Now if that tribal council doesn’t call for some dishin’ I don’t know what does. What did you think??

Tags: Writing by Donna
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So, five minutes into the results show on American Idol and all I’m wondering is what happened to Paula’s Christmas pageant parade float? Clearly she’s somehow fallen off of it.

You know the opening song is a snoozefest when you only look up from the keyboard when Archie sings. You know, producers, Mariah did have number one dance tune hits Just sayin. It wouldn’t kill y’all to up the fun level to, well, fun.

Wow, I just hit some combination of keys that killed my entire post. Which I’d saved just a minute ago. There’s an hour of my life I won’t get back. Which is kind of how I felt about the results show tonight. And, come to think of it, the singing show the night before. Suffice it to say that I hate Lythgoe and his stupid group 1 and group2 theatrics. In the end, the safe group is Cook, Castro, Carly n’ Archie. Meaning Syesha, Brooke, and Kristy Lee are bottom three and the world is once again back on its axis.

Leaving tonight? Not Syesha. Better be Kristy Lee with the mouth. And? FINALLY!!! Kristy Lee’s evil plan comes to an end.

Andrew Lloyd Weber next week. Wow, show tunes. With Syesha and Carly. An all new level of hell. Yay, us.

Top Chef….because we haven’t had enough assy behavior, apparently. We start right off with Spike saying he’s hearing from the others that he should have gone home over Zoi, which he chooses to interpret as he’s too big a threat to him with his madd cheff skillzzz. You keep believing that, shack hat boy. Then we have to listen to Lisa and her issues with Dale, because listening to her whine is apparently okay, but Dale ranting is out of line. And, oh the irony of her saying “If you have an issue with me,then just tell me” but when he does exactly that, in about as nice a way as you can tell someone they suck, she gets all “how dare he tell me I suck! He can go….” Well, I imagine you can fill in that blank. Not that Dale has a point, and you’re busy wasting no time making it.

Is it wrong of me to want them all to go and we can just watch Antonia, Stephanie and Ryan compete. Not because they’re the strongest chefs, but because they’ll just shut up and cook. Cooking, by anyone, would be very welcome right now. On this show about cooking.

Quickfire Challenge looks to be all about beer. Which, hey, lets give them alcohol! Yeah. They have to create a dish that goes well with the beer of their choice. Richard starts gasbagging and I honestly just tune him and all of his molecular structure out. Wow, for being a beer and simple pleasures test, the guest judge, whose name I didn’t catch, could go sour face to sour face with Lisa. How perky and fun was she? More beer, Padma?

And to the shock of no one, when she pulls her bottom three out, she goes on…and on….about what she didn’t like. Dang, I bet you’re a blast to go drinking with! (And yay, Lisa, way to be a pro, smirking at Dale’s bottom three showing. And Jen, nice that you’re trying to win one for the ousted gf, but also, way to be a pro when Spike ends up in the bottom three.) Wow, we went from a solid cooking season to Real World:Top Chef in like one week. Jen wins, and Lisa isn’t in the top three. It’s an okay balance for me.

The Elimination Challenge is all about cooking tailgate at a Bears game. Everyone cooks for themselves, no teams. Finally! Everyone seems to love almost all of the food. Nice for a change. Antonia, Stephanie and Dale were top three. Dale wins. He’s a Chicago boy, so it was nice for him. And, more karmic balance. Huh, Lisa. In the bottom are Mark, Nikki and Ryan. All understandable. The guest judge, also unknown to me, looked like he played the football game. Without a helmet. So, they deliberate and I think it should be Nikki, or, past that, Mark. Ryan was off in his choice of food, but the other two were far more a trainwreck. Who has to pack their knives? It’s Ryan. Wow, I don’t get that at all. Not comparatively, anyway. Other than he needs to stop talking. But still. Dang. And we lose a little man candy, too. Such a shame. One thing I noted, was that the group didn’t seem to be as choked up over his leaving. Perhaps he’d worn them out, too. Or they’re all just hitting killer fatigue. Who knows.

Next week? Dessert week. Because these guys are all chefs, not pastry chefs. So that makes perfect sense. Sure. Followed by…stand up comedy? Ooookay. But at least it looks lighthearted and fun. Which beats the real world crap hands down. I’m in!

You have one last day to vote for this week’s SHaQ Attack contest, until 8pm EST this evening. So far, the ladies haven’t fared so well this week in reality land. Will the trend continue on Survivor tonight? We shall see!

Tags: Writing by Donna
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